Poem for the book i'm working on!  Hope u like!

VODKA HER DRINK OF CHOICE (Tyella)

04-23-08

Trying to drown away the thoughts

Memories of how

With her husband she fought.

He had wrapped his fist around her throat

"You've changed", In a letter

The next day she wrote.

No longer able to cry

Trying to find a way

To kiss her sorrows goodbye.

A bottle of vodka sits beside her hotel bed

Wishing away the thoughts

The nightmares she can't get out of her head.

Another shot straight from the glass

Down it goes

Only knowing the feeling wont last.

Not long after she drinks

Straight from the bottle

Wanting to forget the things she thinks.

By the night's end

Vodka's gone

Yet she can't pretend.

Pain still ever present in her heart

Thriving to block it away

Now another bottle of vodka she will start.

My God, I did not realize just how long I had been gone... I thought I'd only been away from this site for only a couple of months, but I now realize that I have actually been gone for 6months... The last time I actually posted something was back in October. Oh Lord, it's been far too long.

So let me get you updated on my life (for those of you who actually care.) Hubby and I are doing really well now. We hit a rough spot a few weeks ago, mostly because I feel like we've grown apart and that we don't really know each other anymore. But we've started spending more time together and reconnecting.. Mostly just trying to get to know one another again, and it's good... We're good!

My kids are doing wonderful. We finally got their asthma under control but now with allergy season in full swing it's starting to flare back up, but that's ok we can handle it. It's nothing that we can't take care of.. When we took my baby girl in for her preschool physical last week ( yea hard for me to believe that come fall I'll be all alone) the doctors found a heart murmur. So they sent us to have an echo and today we found out the results from that. Thank you God!! She's fine, the doctor said that it was benign and nothing for us to worry about. Thank God!! Every night I count my blessings and I thank God for my little family and for the fact that both of my babies are safe, sound, and healthy. And now I have another reason to be thankful... And belive me, I truly am!!

As for me? I'm happy.. I'm working again. This time on a book of poems that tell a story about 6 characters... So far I'm having a lot of fun with it, but I've kind of hit a stand still. So until I get some more ideas I've started another project. This one I've gathered all of the letters that Tim and I wrote to each other throughout our relationship, and I'm gaining inspiration for a story about two lovers who face some hard times, including the fact that the man is about to go away to basic training and may have to go off to war. I'm excited about it, mostly because the characters are based on Tim and myself, which means exposing myself to the world. But I kind of already did that in my first two books... Which by the way are now published and ready for purchase from lulu.com.... It's a wonderful site that publishes you for free, which is a great place to start for beginning authors who can't afford self-publishing, and can't find a publishing company willing to take a chance on them. But for those of you who maybe willing to check out my books you can find them at lulu.com/Liz McDaniel

Well, I guess that's all for now, but there will be more later, I'm back into my writing mode, which is a great thing. So I promise it wont be six motnths before you see me again!!

Oh, and the stress continues....  Took my kids to the doctor today..  My son was diagonosed with asthma a little over a month ago..  And started right away on asthma medicine...  We thought we were getting it under control when he went back 10 days later for his checkup.. At that time, we thought him & his sister were just getting head colds... Well my son's cold cleared up, but my daughter's did not, so she returned about 2 weeks ago and was put on a stronger cold medicine... At that time she had an ear infection as well, so the doctor & myself thought it was nothing more than a cold bug...  Still no help & her cold has only been getting worse & then Ty got sick again.. So today we returned to the doctor to find out that Ty (my son) is having an asthma flare up, my daughter has a throat infection, and has now been diagnosed with asthma as well...  Now both kids are on singulair (once a day at night) Pulmicort (an inhaled preventive medicine given in the morning and at night) and albuterol (an inhaled corticosteriod (rescue medicine) taken 3times a day for the next 10 days).... Hopefully when they return to the doctor in 11 days, we will have finally gotten both of their asthma under control... The doctor has now increased 2 of Ty's medicine's to higher doses, so hopefully this will work....  If this works then we just do the pulmicort & singulair... And if they are better, then they will be able to get the flu shot... WHich we desperatly need because my son is 3 & my daughter 2, and they've each had the flu shot every year, and every year still gotten the flu....  And my daughter, God bless her, has had the RSV virus four times... Now with both of them taking asthma, i can't afford to take any chances with the flu.... I would have gotten them the shots sooner, but the doctors just got them in today.... UGGGHH!!!  Anyways, i have to make sure i give them their medicines on time, every day, no missing a dose.... This is their life we're talking about, and I have to make sure i do it for them....

Tim's overtime finally came back today!! Hooray!  It's a wonderful thing... For the past month, he hasn't been allowed to work any overtime, (long story why) but it's really hurt us...  We've had to fall behind on our bills so that i could buy food & medicine's for our children...  I mean we only have to pay a $2 copay per prescription, but I have filled A LOT of  prescriptions in the past few weeks.. Today to get all the medicines and a little bit of food, i had to take the money that I was suppossed to pay my cell phone bill with..But hopefully with Tim's overtime being back I can still pay it by the 10th, cause i'm already behind half a month... And they've already shut my direct-tv off cause i was behind 2 months on that... But that's okay, i don't watch tv much anyways, it's mostly cartoons here..lol.. I do at least have my internet, it's in with my home phone, and i made sure that & half my cell got paid, cause i need my phones incase the school has to contact me about Ty, or something happens to him or Bella here & i need to contact someone... ... So i'm very THANKFUL that Tim's overtime is back... He said he's not sure how long it's going to last, but i pray that it lasts till we get caught back up on our bills...

And the last thing i'm stressing about is my marraige... Yesterday, I wrote about the fight we had... And i know he's sorry, but i also know that the comments i recieved about it are right..  He's got to change, or i've got leave...  It hurts me so bad to say it, because he's my soul mate, but i don't want to be scared of my husband...  I don't want to be scared of the man that sleeps beside me in the bed... I know he's extremely sorry, and I know how his dad gets, I've been there, and his dad is an extremely scarry man when he's angry, and i'm scared that Tim's headed that way... That terrifies me, I know that that is the last thing he wants to be, but i can't help but wonder if he's not headed that way....  He's sorry, but sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it......,

So all in all it's been a stressful day, money, my kid's health, my marraige.... Tomorrow Ty goes back to school (which makes him happy, he loves preschool :)! )... And it's trick or treat night here in Floyd County!!  Since Tim will be working late tomorrow night,  my mother in law said she's trying to work something out so that the kids & i can trick or treat with her, her 10 year-old daughter, & her grand-niece... She's worried about me & the kids being out after dark by ourselves.... It's very sweet of her.... We haven't always gotten along,  infact, it's only been this past year that we've really been getting along...  But she's going through a hard time right now... Both her mother-in-law & her mother have cancer...  Her mother-in-law lives in Texas (over 2,000 miles away) & is now doing chemo.. They say she's doing really well... But her mother, who lives in Michigan, on the other hand isn't doing as well...  She can't do any chemo, they've got her in the hospital right now, not sure when she'll be able to go home, and they've only given her 46 weeks to live.... So i've got her in my prayers.... God, all i know is that it must be hell, having you mother & mother-in-law both sick at the same time, and your to far away to do anything to help....  I pray i'm never in her shoes....

God, I pray tomorrow is a better day!

Okay, so I have decided to take the Dark Angel Poems & turn them into a book.... Developing the other characters in the book:Victor of Evil & Zombie Slayer....    Anyway, i just finished a poem about the dark angel finally forgiving the victor of evil.... But i 'm not sure if the tittle works, or if the ending works.. So PLEASE tell me what you think......

FORGIVENESS

10-24-07

Creeping in your window

I watch you sleep

I didn't come to disturb you

Instead I came seeking peace.

I forgive you

For the broken promises you made

The manipulations

And the games you played.

I forgive you

For the hurt and betraying me

Your cowardly actions

And for the lies you made me believe.

The dark angel and victor of evil

Were never meant to be

Being friends didn't work either

So what made us believe.

We tried

And failed again

Now we're to the point

Were hate is all there is in the end.

I've finally forgiven you

And I'm moving on

Told you I was better than you

The pain and anger are now gone

But if our paths ever cross

Just let it be known

That I will do what I have to

Even if it means to kill you.

Cause you are evil

And I am the essence of good

Forgiveness doesn't mean a thing

In this world

When only one of us can survive.

THE DARK ANGEL FALLS IN LOVE

10-22-07

Her eyes

Normally dark and grey

Now sparkle

Expressing a lovely green display.

She marvels at his physique

Starring into his rich blue eyes

Is he the one to take away the pain

To wash away all the past lies?

He holds her in his arms

Assuring her she's warm and safe

Working hard he's already begun

Taking the past away.

Close her eyes

He's all she sees

As long as he's by her side

He's all she needs.

Her heart thunders and skips a beat

Eyes dancing in the dark

Somehow through all the pain

He found his way to her heart.

She thought it was impossible

Thought she could never love again

Now she's ready to live

Ready to let her life begin.

THE DARK ANGEL HURTS

10-22-07

She watches in horror

As he yells holding tightly to her arm

He slings her around the room

Wanting to cause her more harm.

His words come colder and louder

She begs him please

He can't hear her cry

He doesn't see her plead.

Crying as he slaps her backwards

She falls to the floor

Never again she swears

She wont put up with anymore.

She sits alone on the hard cold floor

Weeping in sorrow and pain

Now comes the thunder and lightning

Next will come the rain.

He swore he never would

Swore his love was true

While the bruise will heal

The pain he can't undo

So she turns to a man

She thought was her friend

Only to have him turn his back

Now the friendship has met it's end.

She walks away

Tortured by the pain

A bruise on her arm and face

A bigger one where only part of her heart remains.

Twice in one night

By two different men

Pain & bruises of different types

Neither of which will ever heal again.

No one to turn to

No where to call home

She walks out into the brisk night

Beginning her journey once again, all alone.

LEAVE THE DARK ANGEL THE HELL ALONE

10-22-07

What the hell do you want from me

Why is it

That I push out of my life

And then you haunt me in my sleep.

I want to rest, I want to dream

I just want you to leave me alone.

I'm the dark angel

Don't you know

It's not good to mess with me.

Don't you know that I'll bring your evil down.

Just get out, stay out

Leave me the hell alone.

I don't need you

Telling me in my sleep

How much you love me

How much you need me.

It's lies, all lies

Just part of your evil plan

To bring this dark angel down again.

I'm not gonna let you

I'm not going to watch you

Destroy the life I created for myself.

I forgot you

I put you in my past

And locked you away

Why can't you stay there.

You don't belong in my head

You don't deserve the blood on my wrist.

I'm better than you

I'll beat you again

It's a game you'll never win.

So get the hell out of my head

Get the hell out of my dreams

Go away

And leave this dark angel the hell alone.

Last night i had another dream....  It was really weird and made absolutly no since, things seemed out of sequence and didn't really seem like it could happen, yet the dream seemed so real, when i woke up i almost thought the events of the dream had happened in real life.  So from everything i hear, everyone says it's good to write your dreams down, especially if you want to be a good writer, so i'm writting this dream down for 2 reasons.... 1.) as a writting exercise for my creative writing class & 2.) for HOPEFULLY some feedback & insight into what the dream means, if anything....  Zack is out of my life, so why does he keep showing up in my dreams?  Any thoughts?  Comments greatly welcomed...

Tim leaves for work

Zack shows up, for some reason i let him into the apartment where he sit's on the sectional.  I sit in his lap and for a reason God only knows, I try to kiss him, but he stops me telling me that he can't kiss me because if he does then he'll fall back in love with me again, and he doesn't wanna do that yet.

I ask him if that would be such a bad thing and he says "no, except u'r married"

S we lay on the couch talking, him on one side of the sectional, me on the other with heads together,

Tim calls my cell phone, I try to answer it, but Zack grabs it instead. He says hello & I hear Tim ask who the hell he is.

I take the phone and try tell Tim that it's just a friend (like Justin Bently or someone) but he doesn't believe it.

Tim calls his dad, and then his dad shows up. His dad believes Zack & I are brother & sister until Tim calls him again Then he accusses me of having an affair.

After his dad leaves Zack leaves, as I'm walking back to the apartment I hear children crying for help, I run to find them trying to swim in the river, I try to save them but I can't, because i can't swim, so i start to drown too when Zack saves me, & then somehow later I save his life.

Tim comes home we have an argument about the whole thing, we both take our rings, our marriage looks like it's over. Just as I am about to call Zack to tell him I'm ready to be with him, Tim comes outside & decides to give us another chance. Before I can answer him the phone rings, it's the hospital Zack's been hurt.

We arrive at the hospital and I see Zack just before he dies

A few hours later I get sick. I see myself lying in the hospital and I hear the nurses say that she died just a hours after her "friend" did.

Then I wake up.........

THE DARK ANGEL'S PAIN

10-16-07

Half empty bottle of whisky sits before her

She pours herself another glass

Trying to mask the pain within

Trying to forget the past.

Her angel wings now hidden

Masked by her pain and despair

Fighting back the tears

She pulls back her long blond hair.

As she downs another shot of whisky

Her black eye-liner begins to run

Damming him to hell

For all the pain he's done.

His evil takes a hold of her

Fighting to be free

She gasps for every breath

Asking, "what happened to me?"

She awakes the next morning

In a strange bed

With blurred vision

And an aching head.

She pulls out her knife

Stroking the sharp blade

How dare she be so careless

How dare she let his evil win the crusade.

She let the past come back to haunt her

Thought she had locked it away

Just goes to prove the dark angel

Can't forget her pain.

DARK ANGEL/GOTHIC PRINCESS

10-17-07

Such a soul

Dark and bleeding

A shattered heart

Eyes dark and misleading.

Whispers as she walks by

Such a sad lonely girl

All eyes starring

But they don't know her.

Some say

She tried to take her life

Wanted to end it

With the sharpest knife.

He referred to her as an angel

Then her wrecked her heart

Fueled by pain and alcohol

Now she plays it smart.

With a soul so dark

It's no wonder

They call her the gothic princess

But they don't know her.

She doesn't care

Ignores what they say

They don't know the truth

They don't feel her soul dark and grey.

So she'll be the gothic princess

Or even the angel of night

It doesn't matter to her

After all, she's the dark angel, right?

Zack appeared in my dream last night.  To be honest, it frightened me, i thought i had rid myself of his terror, and yet now here he is hauting me in my dreams.  It seems the more i try to keep him out of my life, the more haunts me.  These dreams, they make no sense, and yet at the same time they make all the sense in the world.  In this dream he didn't trust me when i warned him about something, it turns out i was right, but it was already to late.... That always was the problem with our "friendship" (and i use that  term loosly because it was completely one sided), but neither of us trusted the other one, we feared being hurt, and in the end i got hurt.  I began to trust him when i knew i shouldn't, and it could have destroyed me if i let it.  But it doesn't matter, that was the past, and that's where it needs to stay, i don't need him or his memory haunting me while i sleep.  I need peace in my life, and it doesn't involve him. 

Any way, here's another poem i wrote about the dark angel.  In this one she's being haunted by a memory of someone.  Yes inspired by my dream/life.... In fact, if you haven't noticed all my DARK ANGEL poems have been inspired by my life.  So read & enjoy, let me know what you think.

HAUNTING THE DARK ANGEL

10-19-07

Dark angel awakes from a profound slumber

Sweat saturating her spine

Relentlessly questioning herself

How did he get back into her mind.

Haunted by his memory

Haunted by her pain

His blue eyes stare

As he looks at her through the window pane.

She shrieks in terror

As he slyly smiles

Her heart thunders

Questioning her denial

Close her eyes

To wish him away

He's gone now

She should be safe.

It was only a nightmare

A haunting for truth

He's after her again

Now what to do?

Why is he coming back now

He's been gone for so long.

Why doesn't he believe her

When her plead is so strong.

Trust was always the problem

That which neither could do

Now he haunts her as she sleeps

And she searches for the truth.

The truth to stop her pain

And rid her life of him

The truth to stop his haunting

So he'll never come back again.

(DARK ANGEL) SAVE THE NIGHT

10-16-07

Wait to see her soar

Above the sky

The rain continues to pour

Late into the night.

Stop the evil

Stop the pain

Her only mission

As she steps out into the rain.

He called again

Wants to make a truce

She does not negotiate

With evil for any excuse.

She spreads her black wings

And begins to fly

Above she towers

Peacefully in the sky.

On her mission

To bring his evil down

Hoping to bring peace

To this destructed town.

Healing the world

Is all that remains

Her heart wont ever heal

Cause she'll never forget the pain.

So watch her soar

Up through the sky

The dark angel on a mission

To beat evil and save the night.

So i read my Dark Angel Series poems to my husband, and i was trying to explain to him the character behind the dark angel.  She's a woman who's been broken down time and time again.  And although she's told repeatedly how beautiful she is, she doesn't see it.  All she sees is a broken woman, who's scared to trust, afraid of being hurt.  So i wrote yet another DARK ANGEL poem, only this one describes her.  ENJOY!

THE DARK ANGEL

10-15-07

Lovely as an angel

She hears them say

Face of a beauty

With a life in disarray.

They don't see

As green eyes hide

The pain she feels

Tears welling inside.

They don't hear

As she cries in the night

They're not there

To watch her fight.

A beautiful angel on the outside

Is all they see

A sad broken girl

Is all she manages to be.

Afraid of being hurt

She keeps her heart locked away

Refuses to let others in

To their dismay.

Her cries in the night

Go unheard

Calling her an angel

She believes is absurd.

She's not their angel

Her soul dark & bleeding

Her sorrow sings

Pain she feels late this evening

She's the angel of the dark

The angel of night

She is the dark angel

Beginning tonight.

The Dark Angel has become my favorite character, by FAR that i have written about, (and believe me, i've wrote a LOT of stories (back in highschool) and poems about different characters.  She even beats the characters in my two novels that i'm working on & the Princess in my children's book. Maybe it's because I realate to her so much, maybe it's because subconsiously she is me.  Either way, I love the Dark Angel.  So I've decided to continue on in my Dark Angel poem series, but before I write another poem, i thought i'd repost the first two, so that anyone who missed the first two can catch up on the DARK ANGEL.  So here they are, the other two poems in my DARK ANGEL series:

DARK ANGEL FLY INTO THE NIGHT

10-14-07

Last time I wrote about you

I said I wanted Vengeance

The dark angel would get you

Watch you bleed to your slow eternal death.

Anger now surpassed

Pain washed away.

This dark angel didn't forget what you did

I'm just no longer holding on to it.

I'm over you

I'm over everything you did

It's not worth dragging me down

For piece of shit like you.

You ask about the memories

Maybe there was some good ones

But you ruined them

With all your evil.

The devil lives inside you

Waiting to come out.

You tried to make me your prey

But capturing this dark angel you will not.

It's over

It's done

I found peace

This dark angel will no longer run.

Then vengeance I once sought for

Maybe I didn't find

But peace I did

Into the night

This dark angel now will fly.

THE DARK ANGEL SINGS

10-15-07

The dark angel opens her eyes

Looking around

She sees the pain in the night.

The dark angel spreads her wings

Wanting to help

With the power she sings.

Her words of sorrow

Speak to those

Looking for love in the pane glass window.

The dark angels eyes

Full of pain

Sees the others cry.

Wanting to assist those in pain

Her words come out louder

Trying to sing over the pounding rain.

The dark angel's eyes well with tears

From the pain she's felt

For the past four years.

Feel her mounting pain

See it in her eyes

Her blood left it's stain.

Once again she spreads her wings

Mounting with sorrow

The dark angel sings.

So i read my Dark Angel Series poems to my husband, and i was trying to explain to him the character behind the dark angel.  She's a woman who's been broken down time and time again.  And although she's told repeatedly how beautiful she is, she doesn't see it.  All she sees is a broken woman, who's scared to trust, afraid of being hurt.  So i wrote yet another DARK ANGEL poem, only this one describes her.  ENJOY!

THE DARK ANGEL

10-15-07

Lovely as an angel

She hears them say

Face of a beauty

With a life in disarray.

They don't see

As green eyes hide

The pain she feels

Tears welling inside.

They don't hear

As she cries in the night

They're not there

To watch her fight.

A beautiful angel on the outside

Is all they see

A sad broken girl

Is all she manages to be.

Afraid of being hurt

She keeps her heart locked away

Refuses to let others in

To their dismay.

Her cries in the night

Go unheard

Calling her an angel

She believes is absurd.

She's not their angel

Her soul dark & bleeding

Her sorrow sings

Pain she feels late this evening

She's the angel of the dark

The angel of night

She is the dark angel

Beginning tonight.

I just wrote another poem, & I really love it......  It may not be the best written poem, but it gets a point across, it makes you feel her pain... Or at least i do, but then again, maybe i am the dark angel......  Oh, well, i love it, i think it may be a favorite of mine.... Maybe i should continue on with the DARK ANGEL series, do a few more poems about the DARK ANGEL character....  Oh well, here it is, hope you enjoy it as much as i do...

THE DARK ANGEL SINGS

10-15-07

The dark angel opens her eyes

Looking around

She sees the pain in the night.

The dark angel spreads her wings

Wanting to help

With the power she sings.

Her words of sorrow

Speak to those

Looking for love in the pane glass window.

The dark angels eyes

Full of pain

Sees the others cry.

Wanting to assist those in pain

Her words come out louder

Trying to sing over the pounding rain.

The dark angel's eyes well with tears

From the pain she's felt

For the past four years.

Feel her mounting pain

See it in her eyes

Her blood left it's stain.

Once again she spreads her wings

Mounting with sorrow

The dark angel sings.

SAY GOOBYE TO THE REMINDERS OF YOU

10-15-07

Say goodbye

To the well written words

As they go up in flames

Just a reminder of you.

Say goodbye

To the baggage that been sitting in my heart

Waiting to be put away

Another reminder of you.

Say goodbye

To the perfume you liked

I pour it down the drain

Just a reminds me of you.

Say goodbye

To the sweater bought me

All torn to shreds

It reminded me of you.

Say goodbye

To the songs I loved

Each one played a melody to my heart

Only to remind me of you.

Finally, say goodbye

To your face in the pictures

As I toss them in the trash

My last reminder of you.

I wrote this poem for my husband as a joke.... He's a really HUGE fan of zombie movies, and i figured with Halloween aproaching that this would be a nice poem for him...  So i figured i'd share with you all...

ZOMBIES ATTACK

10-15-07

Their drooling

You're screaming

"Help me" goes your cries

As they bite into you tonight.

Full moon above

The world is changing

Their attacking you

By tomorrow you'll be one too.

One bites into your arm

Another to your leg.

Finally getting away

Trying to remember what happened earlier today.

Somehow the world erupted

It's a war versus another species

Blood trickles down your arm and leg

Now you choose, become one or shoot yourself in the head.

Realizing you wont go on to be the man you wanted

You must bid farewell to those you love

End this here and now with your gun

Or by morning you'll be one.

I think this may be my favorite poem that I've written... It's the best well written poem, but it emphasises everything that i want to say, that i fell... 

FLY INTO THE NIGHT

10-14-07

Last time I wrote about you

I said I wanted Vengeance

The dark angel would get you

Watch you bleed to your slow eternal death.

Anger now surpassed

Pain washed away.

This dark angel didn't forget what you did

I'm just no longer holding on to it.

I'm over you

I'm over everything you did

It's not worth dragging me down

For piece of shit like you.

You ask about the memories

Maybe there was some good ones

But you ruined them

With all your evil.

The devil lives inside you

Waiting to come out.

You tried to make me your prey

But capturing this dark angel you will not.

It's over

It's done

I found peace

This dark angel will no longer run.

Then vengeance I once sought for

Maybe I didn't find

But peace I did

Into the night

This dark angel now will fly.

Hi Everyone!

So tonight I'm working on a few minor details to my book (mostly just feeling in any blanks that i may have left out... Don't want any readers asking how she got from point A to point B), and then i have to go back and do my proofreading fixing any misspellings & grammer errors that i may have made.  But i do have on problem that i can not solve alone, and that's where you all come in...  I need a tittle for my book.... Now some of you have read excerpts from this book, but others of you may have not... So I'll try to sum it up...  A girl, Elena meets this guy & falls in love with him (Travis).  They become engaged, and 3 months before her wedding she meets Zane who she takes an immediate liking too, and begins to fall for.  But in the end she chooses to marry Travis...  Now she manages to walk away from Zane and stays away from for 4 years until they somehow manage to find their way back into eachothers lives.  They try to walk away from eachother a few more times, but somehow they manage to get drawn back into eachothers lives... This book follows them through 50 years of their lives....... I need help with a tittle, I had one in mind, but I'm not really sure if it works, so I'm looking for ideas.... Please help with this one, I need a good tittle that just screams : READ ME, YOU KNOW WANT TO!

Questions Answered

10-14-07

I asked a question

To be answered by you

Your lack of an answer

Was an answer in itself.

For the first time

In over four years

You chose not to lie to me

I at least thank you for that.

I wanted to know the truth

The truth you could not answer

Your lack of response

Became my questions answered.

I'm not a preppy girl

I'm not a girl that meets your preppy standards.

I'm just me.

I'm not the girl he fell in love with

I'm not the girl you wanted me to be

I'm just me.

I'm not a girl who plays childish games

I'm not a girl who will sleep with you just ‘cause you want me too

I'm just me.

I don't believe tricks and games

I don't believe in playing with people's hearts

I'm just me.

I was never in the popular crowd

More of an out cast

Cause I'm just me.

I'm a little punk

I'm a little rock

I'm just me.

I love my family

I love my friends

I'm just me.

I'm a girl who trusts to easily

I'm a girl who falls in love

Cause thats me.

I love with my whole heart

And when I say I love you, I really do

Because that's me.

I am who I am, I wont be any other way

Like me or not, I don't care

I'm just me.

So today i have many reasons to celebrate!  For starters it's my 23rd birthday.  But i'm so tired and exhausted that i'm not really sure i feel like celbrating.  But i am extatic because yesterday i achieved one of my goals, and that was getting a book published.  I did it!  My collection of poetry is now published and ready for anyone to buy so YEA for me!  I'm so proud of myself, i don't care if a single person never reads my book, i just want to be able to say when i'm old that i did this!  And now i can!  But now i have to finish my other book that i'm working on, which will hopefully be soon.  

I'm 23 today, and i already have a family that i've always dreamed of having (the husband & two kids), now we just have to buy that house that we've always wanted...lol.... I'm very thankful for the life i have.  So on this my 23rd birthday i have much to celebrate, my book, my health, my family, my life!  Thank you God for blessing me to be where i am today!  Life isn't always perfect, but I'm here, I'm realitivly healthy, I have my family, and for that I am eternally grateful!   And I want to say thank you to everyone here who has supported me through the hard times that I've had this year, I'm doing so much better now that I removed myself from a certain *friendship*.  I am REALLY happy!

So tonight to celebrate my hubby & I are ordering pizza & watching "THE HOLIDAY" on Starzz!  A nice quite evening in, sounds like music to my ears!  I wish you ALL a wonderful weekend!

Okay, so I've been doing some soul searching over the past few months. And I've turned over a new leaf, I've realized who I am on the inside, and I'm not the woman that some of you may think I am. I'm stronger than what you think, and I'm smarter too. I now know what I'm capable of, and today I'm showing my strength by letting go. Letting go of anger and resentments, forgiving him for what he did to me, and forgiving myself for trusting him. I'm letting go once and for all of the pain he caused, all the pain I allowed myself to feel. I've been carrying this baggage around for too long, and it's finally became to heavy for me to carry any farther, so I'm leaving it hear today. I'm letting go. I'll try to walk away with the good things I remember about him, because there was some good things. But sometimes the bad out ways the good. But I'm letting the bad things go, and if it means I have to leave the good memories behind too, then so be it. You can lock away the pain, but you can't forget the memories, and eventually it all comes flooding back. So, I've decided to unlock the door where the pain had been hidden and let it out, say goodbye to and never look back. And if the memories go with it, then maybe I'm better off not having those memories. It's time for something new, no more resentments, no more anger, no more pain. Just happiness!!

*~*Liz*~*

Here's the new chapter for my book.  As i already said, it wasn't originally planned to be in the book, but i think it's a good addition.  I think he shows the lengths that Zane will go to, to prove his love to Elena.  So please read, and tell me whether or not you think it should be added to the book.

He parked his truck in the driveway behind her SUV. As he steeped out of his vehicle, knots began to form in his stomach as his nerves began to get the better of him. He knew what he wanted to say; he only hoped that he could find the words to say those things. He walked up the steps that led to her front door.

When he reached the door he found that it was already partially opened about a foot. Zane placed his hand on the door and it opened about another foot, he peered inside and called out to her. "Ellie, Ellie, are you home?" When no one answered he decided to enter. Zane got the feeling that something was wrong, and then as he entered her dark living room he knew something was terribly wrong. There wasn't a single light on in the brightly colored living room, which Zane found unusual, considering it was 11:00 at night, and he knew she had to be home, after all, her car was out front in the drive. He reached over to the closest wall and found the light switch, which he immediately turned on.

When the lights came on he saw her, sitting in a corner by the television armoire, balled up like a baby in the fetal position crying. Zane ran over to her and pulled her into him. As he wiped the hair away from her face he saw that her black mascara and eyeliner had ran down her angelic face. Even under the streaked makeup he was able to see the black & blue bruise on her left check and her torn blouse, the same blouse she had been wearing when they had lunch earlier that day.

He sat there on the floor, holding her in his arms. "Ellie, who did this to you?", he asked compassionately and yet getting angry at the same time. He was angry that someone could hurt the most beautiful woman in the world, the woman he loved and cherished. Someone had hurt her, he wanted to kill them, but all he could do know was hold her.

With tears steaming down her face, she looked up at Zane, finally realizing that she was safe, and held on to him as tight as she could. "Zane I'm so scared. Jason, what if he comes back. He said he'd kill me. I wouldn‘t give him any money so he could pay his drug dealer."

"Did he....." He hesitated for a moment, afraid that he already knew the answer.

The large lump in throat made it impossible to speak any words, so she nodded her head in accordance to Zane's question. She couldn't bring herself to speak the words. Rape. That's horrible word, and unspeakable act, something she always feared, but never believed it could happen to her. Zane pulled her against him as he pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket, and then dialed 911. "Yes, I need an ambulance for my friend, she's been assaulted." As he spoke those words, the anger began to take over his body. The only thoughts he could think of was finding the sick son of bitch and killing him.

After hanging up the phone with the 911 operator Zane realized that Elena's kids may be in the house. "Ellie, where are the kids?", he asked fearing something may have happened to them.

Wiping away more tears with the back of her hand, she looked up at Zane who was now standing looking up at the staircase that would lead to the hallway to the children's rooms. "They're at my mom's, they wanted to have a sleepover with grandma & grandpa. Thank God for that right?", she said as more tears began to pour down her cheeks. Zane rushed back to her, scooped her up and into his arms. At that moment he heard the sirens, so he carried her out the door to the EMT's, he knew he needed to get her out of that house. Out of the place where the callous bastard hurt her.

As the EMT's put Elena onto the stretcher Zane showed the police where he had found her. When Elena was put into the ambulance Zane told her, "I'm going to follow the ambulance down to the hospital. I'll be right behind you. I'm not going to leave you alone." As the ambulance drove off Zane took one last look around at the house his father had designed for Elena. She loved this house, in this perfect, safe neighborhood. The flashing lights were all around, and you could see the neighbors coming out of their house wanting to know what had happened, why in their gated community an innocent woman would be attacked. Police going in and out of the house gathering evidence, and there was nothing he could do. As he climbed into his truck he realized there was one thing he could do. He reached into his back pocket of his pants and pulled out his cell. "Hey, meet me at the hospital, it's Elena, she's been hurt." Then Zane proceeded to drive the mile and half to the hospital to be by her side.

As Elena was wheeled into the ER the doctors told Zane that he was going to have to wait out in the waiting room while she was examined. Zane walked outside the double doors that led to the 8 story hospital. Zane desperately needed a cigarette, to bad he quit smoking two months ago, he needed one now more than ever. Just as Zane was about to go back into the building he noticed the tall figure walking towards him.

"Is she in with the doctors?" Travis asked Zane, worried about his wife.

"Yeah, they're examining her now, and then of course the police are going to have some questions.", Zane said becoming uncomfortable talking to the husband of the husband of the woman he was in love with.

"Did she say who he was?"

"No." Zane said lying, Elena had told him who it was, and soon the police and Travis would both know. But they were going to have to wait, because Zane had made it his mission to kill him first.

"Look for the record I don't like you, and I'm not exactly sure why you had to see MY wife at 11:00 at night, but I'm glad you found her. Thanks for getting her here, and thanks for calling me. You didn't have too." Travis said sincerely. He knew that Zane didn't have to call him, he could have chosen to let Travis stay out with his friends while he got to be the knight in shinning armor. But he didn't, and for that he had to respect him.

"I didn't do it for you, I did it for her, I knew she'd want you. She's scared, I thought she could use you, after all, she is YOUR wife." Zane said looking at Travis, knowing that Travis could see right through him, and could see the that he was in love with Elena. After a moment of starring each other down, Travis turned and walked into the building, while Zane turned and walked towards his truck. Now it was his mission to find the bastard that raped Elena.

Travis walked into the waiting room next to the ER and saw two police detectives waiting outside the doors that led to the ER. A tall female doctor walked out of the ER and immediately spotted Travis. "Are you with Elena Livingston?", the doctor asked him as he approached her.

"Yes, she's my wife. Is she going to be alright?", he asked extremely concerned by the look on the doctors face.

"Yes she will be fine. She was sexually assaulted, there was traces of sperm, and she had some of his skin under her nails, which I have bagged as evidence along with her clothing for you.", she said turning to face the cops.

"May I go in with her?"

"Yes that would be fine."

"Um, we have some questions for her as well.", spoke up the tall muscular detective.

"Fine, why don't you all follow me, and I will take you to her.", she said turning around to lead the way back through the ER to the cubical where Elena sat on a bed. Travis immediately rushed to his wife's side, while the two detectives stood at the foot of the bed watching the couple ruinite.

"Travis, how did you know?", Elena asked expecting to see Zane instead of Travis.

"Zane called me. I rushed over here as soon as he did."

"I'm glad you're here.", she said holding on to her husbands arm, trying to find a safety net. It had been 3 hours since the attack, and here she sat in a hospital bed surrounded by her husband and two police detectives, and yet she still couldn't find the safety net that she was desperately seeking.

"Mrs. Livingston, we have some questions for you.", said the female detective. She was skinny, stood about 5'8", and her hair was cut quite short.

"Yes, of course. I'll try to tell you everything I remember."

"Okay, do you think you can come down to the station tonight and give a formal statement?", asked her partner.

"Now wait a minute, it's 1:00 in the morning, and my wife has been through enough tonight, I don't think she needs to relive this all over again tonight.", Travis interrupted trying to do what he thought was best for his wife.

"Travis, it's okay, I want to do it tonight. I want to get this over with, so I can just forget it ever happened. I want them to catch the guy who did this to me.", Elena said to her husband, trying to find her courage.

"That's the other thing Mrs. Livingston. Do you know the man that did this to you?" The female detective asked compassionately.

"Yes, Zane didn't tell you? I thought I told him it Jason." Elena said confused. Why had Zane not told the police that Jason had attacked her?u

"Zane? If you are referring to Mr. McClean, he never said a word to us except to show us where he found you, in fact, we are going to have to track him down so we can get his statement. Now this Jason, do you know his last name, where he lives?" The officer asked as he got out his little notebook.

"His name is Jason Grey. He used to do the lawn service for some of the neighbors until the neighbors found out he was a junkie. Then they all fired him."

"I take it he worked for you as well?", the detective asked.

"Yes, briefly. He'd only been working for us for about 3 months when it was revealed that he was using drugs. No one in the community wanted a junkie in our neighborhood, we all have small children, so everyone came to an agreement, and we all fired him. I liked him, he was a good person, but I didn‘t want a junkie anywhere near my children. Even if he was just my lawn boy."

"Okay, we can finish this down at the station when you are released, in the mean time we will get an arrest warrant for Mr. Jason Grey, and pick him up."

"Thank you officers" Travis said to the two detectives as they left the room. Moments later the doctor came back into the room with the discharge papers, and Travis escorted Elena out to the car. All he wanted now was for this horrible night to be over. He wished to God that he had been there at the house, then this horrific crime never would have happen. But he wasn't, instead he was out with his friends. He knew she must resent him, he hated himself for not being there to protect her. But he was here now, and he wasn't going to leave her side, not even for a moment. He was going to make sure he held her hand while she had to relive this terrible night all over again for the police.

Zane knew it would be long before the police came looking for Jason, but he was going to find him first. And when he did he was going to make damn sure there wasn't much left for the police to lock away. As Zane walked up to Jason's apartment he saw the door opening, and out walked the blond haired 5'11" bastard that raped Elena. As soon as Zane saw him rage fuled his body and he ran at Jason. He grabbed Jason by the throat and slung him into a wall, then he began punching him as he would a punching back. "What you thought you could rape her and get away with it, you asshole.", he yelled at hm.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jason yelled back as he tried to fight back.

"Elena, you know the one you attacked tonight because she wouldn't give you any money so you could pay your dealer.", Zane responded as he threw yet another punch into Jason's face. Zane kept punching Jason until he fell to the floor unresponsive, then he began kicking him repeatedly. Just as Zane was about to give Jason one last swift kick he heard a voice from behind him. "Stop right there and put your hands in the air." Zane didn't need to turn around to know that the cops already had the guns drawn, so he did exactly as they said. One cop walked up behind him and cuffed him, while another walked over to check on his victim.

"This is our rape suspect.", said one of the officers to the other as Jason was coming too.

"And let me guess, you would be Zane, the victims friend who called the police."

"I'm not talking without my lawyer." Zane said starring at Jason. He knew he could face going to jail, after all this was his third offense. But it was worth it. The guy had raped Elena, and he deserved to be killed, only Zane was interrupted by the police before he could finish the job.

Elena was preparing to leave the police station and go home when she saw Jason and Zane both being brought into the police station in handcuffs. She had wondered where Zane had gone and now she knew. As one of the officers dragged Jason down to the booking station another took Zane into a holding room. She looked at Travis, who nodded at her. She knew he understood why she had to see Zane. So she walked up to the officer who had taken Zane into the holding room.

"Do you mind if I see him for a minute.", she asked.

"I don't suppose it will be a problem.", the officer said as he let her into the room.

"Zane." She said as she ran to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do what I wanted to."

"Zane, why did you go after him?"

"Ellie, he hurt you. You had to know I couldn't let him get away with that.", he said looking into her beautiful green eyes.

"Zane, this is your third offense. They could send you to jail. You should have just let the police handle it."

"It wouldn't have been enough. He needed to suffer. I'm just sorry that the police arrived before I could finish him off."

"Zane don't say that. If they hear you they'll get you for attempted murder."

"Ellie, don't you know by now that when it comes to you I don't care. I love you, and I will do anything and everything to protect you. I don't care what happens to me as long as that jackass never hurts you again.", Zane said starring at her. He wanted to hold her, but he was still in handcuffs. Just as he was about to kiss her, an officer entered the room.

"Well, Mrs. Livingston I thought you would have left by now. I know your husband wanted to get you home.", the officer said as he looked at the two, knowing that he had interrupted something.

"I was on my way home when I saw that you were bringing Zane in in handcuffs."

"Well it appears that Mr. McClean got into a bit of a scuffle with the suspect earlier tonight.", the officer spoke as he approached Zane with the key to the handcuffs in his hand.

"It was a misunderstanding." Zane added quickly.

"Yea, it appears that Mr. Grey has said the same thing, he's not pressing charges. Which would be a good thing for you seeing you already have two priors.", the cop added looking at Zane, then he added, "Look, off the record, if someone had hurt the woman I loved I probably would have done the same thing. But you should have trusted us to get the guy."

"She's my friend, I'd do anything for her."

"Just your friend? It looks like more to me, and if I can see it, how oblivious do you think her husband is?", the officer asked as he opened the door and let them out of the room.

Elena had somehow convinced Travis to give Zane a ride back to his truck that was parked outside of Jason's apartment building. As he got out of Travis and Elena's SUV he thanked Travis for the ride, and looked at Elena and she looked at him. Travis saw the look between the two, and he knew then that his wife didn't resent him for not being there with her tonight. She didn't resent him because she was in love with Zane, and it was Zane who she wished had been there to protect her, it was Zane who had nearly beat the guy to death.  Because Zane was in love with his wife, so where did that leave him?

So i'm sitting here at my desk working on a very important chapter for my book. And of course i am listening to music. (I can't do anything without music, it's a very essential part of my life.)  So as most of you know, i am a huge FALL OUT BOY fan.  But i listen to almost any alternative rock music.  (Alternative is my favorite, i relate to it so much)  So any ways, last week i started listening to Plain White T's, and i just want to say that they are awesome.  I've downloaded quite a bit of their music, and now i have become a fan of theirs.  Their music is really great.  So now i'm sitting here working on my book and listening to Plain White T's. Now here's one of my favorite songs of theirs:

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind, no

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up
I don't wanna spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
Will just kill me if I'm on my own, oh

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I woundn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone
It's not gettin' me very far
I look around my room and eveything I see reminds of you
Oh, please, baby, won't you take my hand?
We've got nothing left to prove

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
When we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
The way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back
Cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

A great song!

So, if i can finish this chapter today, then i will post it tonight, because it's a new edition to my book.  It wasn't originally planned to be in the book, but i had a dream about it one night and i thought it would be a great way to show just what Zane will do to prove to Elena just how much he loves her, no matter what it costs him, including his freedom.

Today, has been a painful day for me.  As some of you know I am working on a book in which the first 4 chapters come striaght from my life.  Now i wrote those chapters about 6 months ago, but today i was going back through, reading them, editing, and adding any details that i may have left out.  And while doing so, it felt as if i was re-living the memories all over again. The pain I have dealt with from having Zack in my life all came back, and so did all the feelings that i once felt.  Yes he is out of my life, and i am better off for it, BUT, that doesn't make the pain any easier, and it doesn't make me forget.  My heart still breaks when i think about how stupid i must have been to care for someone who was only using me.  To think i loved him and considered him a best friend only to have him in the end turn out to be the kind of guy he is. 

I can't talk to my husband about this, because frankly he hates Zack enough, and he's finally put it out of his life.  And i have too, but it's in my book, so i have to deal with.  I have to face the truth. And i'm glad that i'm starring the truth in the face, because i'm realizing that i never dealt with it (as usual).  I just bottled emotions up inside because i didn't want to face the truth.  My point is, that even when it's  been months or years since someone hurt or betrayed you, it doesn't mean you ever forget, even though maybe you should.  You just try to move on, and be preparred for the days when old memories come flooding back, because eventually they will. 

Sometimes it's harder to forget than we would like. 

Poison: I WONT FORGET YOU

Late at night I close my eyes
And think of how things could have been
And when I look back
I remember some words you had said to me

It's better to have lost at love
Then never to have loved at all

Chorus
I won't forget you baby
(I won't forget you)
Even though I should
I won't forget you baby
(I won't forget you)
Even though I should, yeah

Sometimes in my head
I can still see pictures of you
And I laugh to myself
When I think of all those crazy things that we used to do

Although miles come between us
Just between you and me

Chorus

I should let you fade away
But that just wouldn't be me
Oh, baby

Solo

Although miles come between us
Just between you and me

I won't forget you baby
(I won't forget you)
Memories slowly fade
I won't forget you baby
(I won't forget you)
And all the plans we made

I won't forget you baby

So, i've decided that it's about time that i get back to my roots and start writing again.  I've been so busy with things going on over the past few months that i haven't really done any writing at all.  I lost touch with friends, and i even slacked back in my writing classes, but i have finally gotten out of whatever slump i was in, and have found my aspirations to write again.  I love writing, it's my passion, and so now for the past two days i have worked nearly nonstop on my book and it is FINALLY almost finished!!  Soon it will be ready for publication.  I also have a poetry book that is ready for publication, and to top all that off, i have an idea for yet another book.  So it looks like i'm going to be doing quite a bit of writing for the next few months, which is great, because as i already said i love to write. 

Which brings me back here to shoutpost.  I think it's about time that i get back to blogging, after all, it is where i get some of my greatest ideas and feedback, and it helps to vent my frustrations.  The last time that i blogged i think i was still dealing with the news of finding out about Zack raping my friend.  But i have severed all ties with him and he hasn't even tried contacting me in the last few months, which is a great relief.  I'd just had enough, he'd used me time and time again, but i never could find the courage to walk away from him because somehow, every time i tried, i got pulled back into his web of distruction and lies.  But after talking to my friend, who i hadn't spoken with in years, i realized that this was the last straw.  Any man, who could rape a woman deserves the worst kind of punishment, and i can not and will not be friends with that man.  Yes people can change, and it this he done as a young teenager, but honestly, after seeing the way he treated me (a girl he claimed to have once loved & respect in high regards and consider a friend), i realize that Zack is never going to change.  He's always going to be the same teenage boy who raped a friend of mine.  And that makes it even harder, because she is my friend, and i never knew that she moved to another state to get away from him. (I didn't even know him at the time). 

But I can't dwell on him anymore.  I've got much more to dwell with.  My grandmother just went through a heart catherization surgery a few weeks ago (she's doing much better thank God), but she has problems with her leg, and there's nothing they can do for her, and she worries that she may loose it.  And both of my husbands Grandmothers have just been diagnosed with cancer, one breast & the other has lung cancer.  Both were caught in the early stages so we are optimistic, and praying for a full recovery.

But i've learned anything over the past few months, it's that time is precious, and I'm not about to waste anymore of it, dwelling about the past or my past mistakes (Zack included)   It's time for a fresh start.  And once again a new me.  I dyied my hair back to blond, only this time it's more of a dirtly blond instead of bleech blond(which my husband wasn't crazy about).  I think the dark black hair just kept me in my down mode, so now i'm ready to live my life, happy and upbeat, and get back to being me.  Oh, by the way, last time i wrote, i said i had lost 15 pounds, but unfortunatly i gained some of that back.  BUT!!!! I have started eating REALLY healthy, and working out (thank you pilates) and now i've lost all of that i had gained back and an additional 12 pounds.  So since June 1st (through many ups & downs) i have lost a total of 27 pounds!!  Which is great for me, Because nearly 20 of those pounds has come in the past 6 weeks, and i'm feeling so much better about myself, my self esteem is up, which is great because i've never had ANY self-esteem in the first place.  So, i'm a new me, and i'm  really REALLY happy!

I'll be honest, I hate having dreams that make no sense.   Let me explain:

This morning, just before my son woke me, i was having this dream that felt so real.  Tim & I had bought this new bed for ourselves, and I was trying to put it together.  I needed help and for some reason Tim refused to help me.  For some reason, Zack showed up at our house, and for a reason only known to God, Tim asked him to help me put the bed together, even though i was extremly against it.  So Zack agreed and followed me upstairs to assist me in putting my new bed together.  After a few moments of silence, because I was giving him the silent treatment, he decided that he would try to start the conversation with me, which is actually very rare for him.   I still refused to reply to his desperate attempt to make a conversation, and finally he asked the question, "are you pissed at me for something?"  DUH!!!  And with that i replied , "you do remember your ex-girlfriend Breann right?"  "Yea, from back in highschool, but you knew we dated, so why are you pissed at me for that?"  "i'm not mad at you for dating her, i'm furious with you because you raped her!! "  And with that i saw his face go from curious to furious and and hurt at the same time.  I was trying to understand why he had the look of a sad puppy when he finally responded, "i never raped her, and i'm extremely sorry that you actually believe that."   He went on to explain his side of the story by saying that she slept with 3 of his best friends and that's why they broke up, but he never raped her, she's just some ex-girlfried out for revenge.  (Now while i do know girls who hate their exes enough to tell stories that are not exactly true,  I don't believe that Breann is that kind of girl, however we're not the best of friends, and i don't know her all that well, but she is a person who i consider a friend, and i honestly don't think she's the type of girl who would do that.  Plus the fact that with Zack i know that the majority of the words that come out of his mouth are nothing but lies.)  Zack then said something (i don't remember exactly what it was) but to which i responded, "you're incapable of love" and with that he replied, "that's not true, i loved a girl once, but she chose another man instead of me.  And i think we both no who that girl is."  "Zack i'm not playing stupid games with you again, it's ridiculous, it's all mind games with you." i said as i screwed the last bolt into the bed, "It's not a mind game Elizabeth, i loved you i really did, and in fact i still do" he said as we put the mattress onto the bed.  I felt my legs give out as i heard these words and i fell onto the bed, he came and sat beside me, and was about to kiss me when Tim walked into the room (i suppose to check on us) and that's when my son woke up.

Now see this dream makes no sense to me... I'm not sure if there is suppossed to be a meaning or not, but i do see parrallels between this and my real life.   Tim & i are infact planning on getting ourselves a new bed this week, but he's going to be the one to help me put it together, and i KNOW for a fact that he would NEVER allow Zack into our house, let alone, upstairs in our bedroom with me.. (it has nothing to do with trusting me, because he does, he just doesn't trust Zack, and of course he HATES Zack with a seething passion).....  Another thing is that i am curently writing a new book, based on this past month and me finally learning what Zack did to Breann (it's my way of moving past it), and last night i was trying to do my characterization of Damien (who is based around Zack) and when i got to the question about Heart/Love, and i remembered that Zack had said he truly loved a girl once, and claimed that it was me.   And of course, Zack has always maintained his innocence where Breann is concerened.... 

Anyways, my point is, that this dream makes no sense to me, maybe it's not suppossed to, maybe it's just so many things that i've had on my mind finally coming together in my subconcious state.  Recardless, i fiigured that i needed to write about it, to see what others thought, maybe it was suppossed to mean something, and i just haven't figured out what that is yet....

MY SWEET REVENGE

I'm the ghost in your dreams

I'll haunt you in your sleep

I'm the one your nightmares are about

I'm the one that will get you down.

I'll be the shiver down you're spine

I'll be the reason every invitation you decline.

I'll be the one to make your life a living hell

I'll be the secret you'll never be able to tell.

When you feel someone standing behind you

It'll be me haunting your ever move.

The breath you feel on your skin

Will be the spirit of me deep within.

You'll feel my breath, feel my touch

You'll be missing me way to much!

I'll never be there when you turn around

You'll feel something crazy going down.

I'm there and then I'm gone

I'll disappear just before the light of dawn

You're life will be a living hell thanks to me

In you're mind I'll always be.

Do you really want to fuck with me? Cause I have all the ammunition I need to blow your pretty little life right out of the water. Think about it, cause when the dirty laundry is aired and the shit hits the fan who's going to be standing beside you. You already pushed me away, and now I know the truth about you, the truth you wanted no one to know. I know exactly what kind of monster you really are, do you really think that people are going to stand beside you when the truth is revealed. You're insane if you do.

Are you willing to risk losing everyone you love and care about for a battle with me? Oh wait, you don't love anyone, except for yourself and your precious truck. When you told me that you loved me, I bet you were imagining I was your truck or that you were starring in a mirror, cause you're are incapable of loving someone. You use everyone you claim to love (especially the women) only to get what you want. You're manipulative, but mind games will no longer work on me, you sex obsessed pig.  The games you play of trying to steal my friends, in hopes of now going after them cause you're done using me, and having your friends call me to check up on me, all so you can stay in my life, it's done and over. I'm tired of it and I'm through playing nice. I've now got the ammunition and I know damn well how to pull the trigger.

Think this through before you make the decision to go to war with me. Cause this is one war, where you will never win. Cause I have the ammunition and the power that is needed to when the war. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and taking your stupid shit for fear of pissing you off, never knowing what you may do. But I'm not afraid of you or what you "may" do anymore. Bring it on. I know how to defend myself against you and anything else you throw my way. I'm not sitting here in the dark like a scared little girl, instead I'm waiting for the battle to begin. Cause when it does, carnage is all that will be left of you when I'm done. So let's go, give me your best shot, you know where to find me.

You really wanna fuck with me, fine, game on.

You really want to go to war with me

Cause honey losing is all you'll ever see.

You'll never get into my mind

Cause I'll beat you every time.

You may get under my skin

Every now and again

But you ain't gonna beat me

This is war where a winner you will never be.

Better think twice about this

Cause I'll never let you see a moment of bliss

Just as you wish for me, I can make you're life a living hell

When the truth I will tell.

So pack you're A game and all your guns

It's time to head out on the run.

I'm ready and waiting to do battle with you

Cause this time I've got the ammunition to finish you.

I pull the trigger

There goes the bullet

To late to take back and run

The war's already begun.

So i know i've been gone for a while, but i've been trying to work through things, trying to forget things, as i'm sure many of you can relate..   So anyways, I'm doing good, better, i can't forget, at least not yet (hopefully someday though), but I'm moving forward...  I'm still wondering whether or not i should post my last few poems on my myspace page (cause if i do, then chances are he's going to read it, which doesn't really bother me, infact i kinda want him to, so that he knows that i and everyone else know exactly what kind of monster he is and what he done to those girls) but at the same time, i'm not sure if it would be a smart decision. 

In other news, but kinda related, i've dyed my hair again!  My natural color is DARK brown, i've had it red, and most recently it was blond, but now it's black w/ red highlights (which sometimes looks purple if the sunlight hits it just right LOL)...  I like it, and my husband loves it.. He says it's the next best color besides my natural color (he really didn't like the blond)...  I dyed as part of my "forgetting the pain & past" phase, or whatever you want to call it. I just want to move on and forget that Zack ever existed, and if by some chance he finds this page and reads these words (if i don't post my poems on my myspace page) then i hope he knows that this time i mean it....  I haven't had any contact with him since i learned the truth (except for telling him to leave me the hell alone), and i want to keep it that way....

 So i'm finally getting back to writing, today i wrote my first poem in almost a month....  It's kinda a tribute to my hubby Tim, and how he's always saving me (mostly from myself, and my own inner demons, but from the outside fears as well.)...  We've had a lot of squabbles lately, mostly over stupid stuff, and mostly my fault, but we're doing good, compromise is key to any marraige....  So anyways, here's the poem i wrote, hope you enjoy!

COME SAVE ME!!

Come save me

I'm drowning in sorrow

Wishing the pain would end today

Rather than tomorrow.

Come save me

Before the last breath is gone

I gasp and gasp

As I do my best to hold on.

Come save me

Like all the other times before

My saving grace

Help me cry no more.

Come save me

From hurt, pain, and fear

Come find me lying helpless

Please dry away my tears.

Once again I need you

Come save me

You're always rescuing me

Come save me

When does the pain stop?

When will the anger fade away?

When will I be able to forgive?

When can I just forget?

When does the pain go away?

Will I ever move past what he did to those girls?

Will I ever forget the lies he told?

Will I ever stop feeling betrayed?

When does my heart stop aching?

When will the wounds heal?

When does the pain stop?

I HATE YOU

I hate you

You raped her

Tried to rape another

And of course denied it all to me.

She's right

You wanted me as your next victim

That's why you wanted the naked pictures of me

You weren't just joking around

You were planning your next attack.

I hate you

You were right

You're not just a sex-obsessed jackass,

You're also a rapist

You cold-hearted sick son of a bitch.

To believe I actually loved you

And I cared for you

Thought we shared a connection

Only for you to turn out to be a rapist.

What does that say about me.

I hate you!

Zack, I really hate you!

FACING THE TRUTH

Sitting on the ice cold floor

Burning a fire

In the middle of July

Throwing in another picture of him

Watching the ashes as they fly.

I tried to long to block out the truth

The sickening feeling in my stomach

I couldn't hide from anymore.

Pain I feel for the girls he raped

Pain and torture, he deserves even more.

Starring blankly into the photograph

Looking at his devious smile

The monster I once loved and cared for

Knowing he will never stand trial.

The truth came out

I was next on his list

He doesn't know when to stop

Even when she yells she doesn't want it.

Pain and fury burning inside me

Wanting him to pay for his crimes

Knowing he will never pay

More than just a couple of dimes.

The lies he told

The stupid manipulations and mind games he played

The real him

Now I see clear as day.

THE TRUTH CAME OUT

Where were you

When the truth came out?

Trying to figure out

How to spin your web of lies around.

Good luck with that

Cause there's no way around the truth

You raped her and another

One day it will come back to haunt you..

You raped her

Then had the audacity to blame her for your break up.

The truth is coming out

And I guess you're shit out of luck.

She was my friend

How could you do that her.

Everything I ever I felt for you

Is now a complete blur.

I once loved you

Only to find you're a rapist

I'm so furious with you

I want to forget you exist.

Now I know what you did to her

The truth I can never forget.

I told her about us

She's afraid I'm your next target

I'm not about be your next victim

And I refuse to be controlled by you.

I hate you for doing that to her

Now everyone will know what is true.

You will burn in hell

You sick son of bitch

It wouldn't take me much to destroy you

Just a flip of the ignition switch.

Only a coward could hurt a woman like that

And then pretend that what he did was okay

Because to you she wanted it

Or that's what you will say.

You say you really loved me

That's just another one of your lies

You're cold-hearted and incapable of love

The love I had for you now dies.

You did it

There's no way around that

You good for nothing jerk

What you did is nothing to laugh at.

For thinking you could do it me

This is me wishing pain upon you

For everything you did to her

Torture I wish for you.

You're not worth

The ink it takes to write these words

You sick son of a bitch

I hate you for doing what you did to her.

I hate him... I'm really going to be sick thinking about this....  A while back my brother told me that Zack raped a friend of ours when they were going out...  I tried to pretend my brother was lying because he just hated Zack... But it's really been bothering me, i've had this sickening feeling that something was so wrong about him.. so i contacted the girl (who now lives in South Carolina) and i told her that Zack and I were friends, and wanted to know if what my brother said was true....GOD, that sick son of bitch, he raped my friend, and then had the audacity to lie to me about when i asked him... She told me everything, including how a while after he raped her he tried to rape another friend of hers.  God, she should have never went through that, and to think I actually loved and cared for a rapist... I hate him, how could he do that to her...Why did i ever care for him.... She said she's over it now, and i think that's great for her, but i just realized that i trust the wrong people.... But then that does tell me a lot about his character and why he uses me...... He's a rapist, and he's gonna get what he wants one way or another.... I hate him for hurting my friend...  I hope you rott in hell you sick son of a bitch...

So i was writing this for my dream journal entry, and i thought i'd post it on here to see if you all have any opinions....

Ok, so maybe this doesn't techniclaly qualify as a dream, but it's defitintly got me thinking..

I was realxing in the recliner when i dozed off.  Ty (my son) woke me up, and and i closed my eyes again, i saw my myspace page.  I saw myself scrolling down to see that Zack was online, then i heard a voice in my head telling me to get online.  So i opened my eyes, a little freaked out, and logged onto the computer.  When i logged into my myspace page, not only did i find that Zack was indeed online, but that he had also left a message for me. 

This isn't the first time i've experienced something like this, but this is the strongest one i've ever had. I'm not even sure what it is.  I mean most of these visions or messages (or whatever it is they're called) have to do with something related to Zack so i've wondered if it's a connection i share with him (i mean i've always felt like there was a connection between us, is this just more proof?)....... But at the same time, not ALL of them are related to Zack... UGH!  It's sorta freaking me out because i really don't understand what's going on... Any one with any advice?

I first want to thank everyone for their support over the past couple of weeks, it's really been a hard time for me.  I finally realized that I never dealt with the trhings that happened to me, instead I just locked it up inside, and finally last week it exploded.  So I realized (thanks to the support i got here) that i need to seek some source of help and deal with things so that i can put it in the past and move on, and that's exactly what i've been doing.  I've been talking things through and keeping a dream journal, essentially when i have a dream i write down every detail i can remember then i talk about it the next day, to try and get a better understanding of things.  And it's not just about the nightmares, it's all my dreams, and it's really helping (considering it's only been 2days).  I'm learning a lot about myself from my dream journal that i didn't even realize i was hiding in my subconsious. 

First thing I've done is to realize that Tim really is extremely sorry for what he did to me a couple of months ago, and I have forgiven him for that, even though i haven't quite moved on from that yet.  I do realize that it's going to take a while to trust him again, it's not going to happen overnight, but I do know how sorry he is, and I'm working on it and he's helping me...

For the guys who molested me and beat me, i know they will never regret or be sorry for what they did, and there's no point in me seeking an apology from them.  I have to somehow find a way to just forget it, although i know that this may never happen, i hope to get to a point to where i'm not afraid to be at home alone at night and i'm not afraid to be out by myself at night.  I hope to get to a point to where it doesn't bother me as much as it has this past week.  I don't want to just lock it up again and pretend that it never happened, i want to deal with it and honestly moved forward.

As far as what Zack did to me, using me and abandoning me when i needed him more than ever, I have yet to ask him why.  My therapist seems to think that this would be a wise idea because she says it seems to appear that i am more upset with him, than with the others.  She said the others i seem to be angry with and afraid of, but with Zack i'm deeply hurt and upset, and she's right.  Zack promised that he was my friend, and that i could trust him.  So i did trust him, i believed in him, cared for him, and thought of him as my best friend only to have him use me and abandon me when i had NO ONE else on this earth to turn too.  That hurt me so much and i've never been able to forgive him for that, mostly because i've never confronted him about it.  And i'm still not sure yet that i have the courage to do so...

But nevertheless, i am doing better, i've come a LONG way over the past 2 days, yea i know 2 days isn't a lot of time, but i think (and hope) that i've made a lot of progress in the past 2 days.. Now i just have to find courage to face my demons and Zack.....

Happy Fourth of July to everyone!!!

So i started taking this online writing class yesterday in hopes of becoming a better writer and writing a better novel...  So this first lesson was about character building which i am still working on, but i need to finish before next weeks's class..  Since my character's are baised on real people (including myself) I am realizing more about myself and those around me, as i work on my character...

So anyways I hope this class does help me, in a way i think it already has.....

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!

I want to be

Comfortably numb.

I want to forget

All the pain

The pain that I somehow brought upon myself.

I want to drink that bottle of whisky

And forget everything.

I want to forget

That I deserve

What happened to me

When I was only 15.

I want to forget

That it's somehow my fault

That a guy I only knew a few hours

Forced me to do something I didn't want to do.

But somehow I deserved it.

I want to forget

That day that another

Slung me into the wall

And beat the shit out me

But I deserved it

Because I was trying to protect my best friend

From the wrath of his evil hand.

I told you I deserved it.

I want to forget

How Z lied to me

How he promised he was my best friend

But he abandoned me when i needed him most

Because he was only using me

So that he could hopefully seduce me into his bed.

I deserve to be treated like a cheap whore

Because I believed all his foolish lies.

I want to forget

How the man who promised to always love and cherish me

And to forever protect me

Left bruises on me.

But that too was my fault

Because I started the argument that went horribly wrong

I deserved that too.

The blade on this knife

Isn't sharp enough to end the pain

But the bottle of Jim

Seems to scream out my name.

I want to be comfortably numb

I want to forget all the pain

That I obviously deserve

Because, somehow, I put myself into these situations

I have no one to blame

Except for myself

I deserve it.......

Okay, so hubby and i got into a fight this morning before he left for work about something stupid, and really unimportant...Basically I over-reacted, yet again...And while we managed to mostly work things out before he left, he said something to me, that I am still pondering on....He asked me if I was paranoid, and the truth is, he's right, i am....I am paranoid that sooner or later he's going to hurt me, it's just a matter of time...We've been together over 7 years, married for 4 of those tomorrow.  He's hurt me physically once out of those 7 years, he apologized profusly and I forgave him, yet I'm still waiting for him to hurt me again, maybe not physically, but i think he will in someway... See in the back of my mind, every man is out to hurt me one way or another, look at my track record and you'll see why i think this way....  And to be honest, i can't move past it... I'm just waiting for my hubby to hit me or use me, or something else to really hurt me.  I think I'm self-destructing my own relationship by this paranoia, but i just don't know how to move past it....  The things that have happened in the past still haunt me, even when i pretend like they don't...  I don't want to be like this, but i'm not sure how to get over this, i'm not sure how to put this behind me....  Maybe it's because i never dealt with anything, i just locked it up inside, and chose not to tell anyone or talk about it, and over time it only affected me worse.... 

I mean i really am paranoid, and it's not just with him...Mary Mary posted a song yesterday by Amy Grant and i'm the girl after she's grown up.... My husband works till after midnight, so it's about 1 or 2 in the morning before he gets home...  I can't sleep until he's home, i check my doors a million times to make sure it's locked, and everytime i hear a car door close (we live in a complex with about apaprtment 10 buildings) i'm looking out the windows to make sure that it's not someone outside my door....When i do manage to lay down to try to sleep, i'm leaving the lights on, and i sleep with a baseball bat (we don't a gun, because i'm afraid to with 2 kids in the house) and the phone (incase i need to dial 911) beside my bed....  I'm extremely paranoid...  My mother things i'm a little crazy, but it's because i've never told her ANYTHING that has happened to me, and my mother and i are extremely close (like best friends) but it's because i'm too ashamed...My mother is a devout Southern Baptist, and i just feel to ashamed to tell her what happened, i feel like everything that happened is somehow my fault, and somehow i deserve what happened to me, i mean 4 guys(including my husband and my so-called friend Zack, who claims to have loved me) have either abused me or used me in some way, so doesn't have to be my fault...

So i'm paranoid, and i have an extremely hard time trusting men.... I'm self-destructing my own marraige, by waiting for my husband to find some way to hurt me.....  God, i need help!

ME LOVING YOU

Your beautiful blue eyes

Your big strong arms around me

That dark brown hair of yours

The way you hold me tight.

Caressing your arm

The ring I placed on your finger.

Loving you

Couldn't get any easier.

You've stood by me

Through so many bad times

You support me through my dreams

And love me regardless of what maybe.

Missing you

When we spend so much time away

My heart aches

Not having you by me everyday.

I'm sorry for everything I've done in the past

But I know you love me even as time comes to pass.

When we're old, withered, and gray

I'll still be loving you, till my dying day.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU

Battered

Bruised

Molested

And used.

Feeling dirty and low

Happened so long ago.

Hurt me so bad

Still raging mad.

Lost in crowded woods

I'm damaged goods.

Feel like a cheap whore

You deserve so much more.

MIND VS. HEART

Pain and heartache

Blood gushing out

Mascara stained cheeks

Going through it all again.

Your cell rang

Decided not to answer me.

Needing you

Pretending I don't.

Hating you

Missing you.

Fuck you for abandoning me

VStill loving you.

Damning you to hell

Wishing you were here

Ping-pong ball bouncing in my mind

Praying it will get better in due time.

LOVE HIM NEVER AGAIN

Dreaming

Hurting

Missing you

Lying

Betrayal

No one to know the truth.

Your painful words and actions

Fight feelings and distractions

Wishing you were a different you.

Resisting temptations

My ridiculously low expectations

Friendship that was never really true.

You lie

You scheme

I try to believe.

Pretend

You don't matter

I'm lying to me.

You hurt me

I'd hurt him.

If I gave in

A friend

I may love

Never a gain.

This is a poem, that i have wanted to write for SO long, but i've never had the courage to write it all out, and while it is unedited, and probably not written in the best form, i've got my words down on paper...I'm posting this now before any revisions are done, because i fear that if i don't, i'll lose my courage and i'll never post it...So as you read this poem, understand that it was extremely hard for me to write these words and pray that i have the courage to edit it and publish it with the rest of my poetry in my book...Thank you!!

REAL PAIN & BAD DESICIONS

I'm writing to deal with my past

So please bare with me as you read this

For the paper will probably be tear stained red

As the memories come flooding back into my head.

My boyfriend for just a few hours

He touched me

When I didn't wanna be

For God's sake, I was only 15.

Held me in that corner of the gym

Wouldn't let me move

His lips on my neck

As he forced his hands down my pants

Me begging him to stop

Hot tears scorching my cheeks

Him insisting that I'll like it.

Screams stuck in my throat

No sound escapes my voice

Shock takes over

As I stand there motionless

Becoming numb.

Finally he stops,

Kisses my forehead

And walks away

Leaving my crying on the floor in the corner of the gym.

I thought that was worst pain I would ever feel

That was until I made yet another relationship mistake.

Fist against my face

Screaming, wishing I was some other place

Long, hard, wide, snow white walls

Hundreds of students in the halls.

Everyone watching in awe

No one believing what they saw.

My head hits the wall again

How can he call his-self my friend?

Millions of tears burn my checks

This isn't who I was supposed to meet.

The anger in his eyes

It's a storm raging in the skies

Finding it hard to breath

Does no one see?

My arms, stomach, ribs, & face are bruised

It's no use.

Make-up is no longer a disguise

Everyone sees the pain in my eyes

Man number 3

Was a perfect gentleman to me.

Years after we broke up

He promised he wanted to be my friend

Trusting him

My life I let him back in.

Only to have him play mind games and use me

Treating my like I'm some little whore

That he can come running to when he wants to score.

I care so much for him

So I find it hard to walk away

I didn't ask for him to treat me this way

To cause the pain I feel inside

To make me want to drink my problems away at night.

He uses me over and over

Ripping my heart to shreds

Rain falling from the skies

Like the tears I cry at night

He's just hoping to succeed with his plan

I'm left wanting to slit my wrists again.

The last of the men in my life

Was the one man, who made me his wife.

God , were so happy for over three years

One day, he made me shed so many tears.

Anger arose in an argument gone wrong

There I was left crying to another sad song.

He swore I could always trust him

So why did he turn out just like all of them.

Why did he leave me battered and bruised

Why do I just feel so used.

Mistake after mistake

Feeling ashamed

And yet still I let them back in

I trust in love yet again.

Knowing all I'll ever receive

Is pain and tragedy