I first want to thank everyone for their support over the past couple of weeks, it's really been a hard time for me.  I finally realized that I never dealt with the trhings that happened to me, instead I just locked it up inside, and finally last week it exploded.  So I realized (thanks to the support i got here) that i need to seek some source of help and deal with things so that i can put it in the past and move on, and that's exactly what i've been doing.  I've been talking things through and keeping a dream journal, essentially when i have a dream i write down every detail i can remember then i talk about it the next day, to try and get a better understanding of things.  And it's not just about the nightmares, it's all my dreams, and it's really helping (considering it's only been 2days).  I'm learning a lot about myself from my dream journal that i didn't even realize i was hiding in my subconsious. 

First thing I've done is to realize that Tim really is extremely sorry for what he did to me a couple of months ago, and I have forgiven him for that, even though i haven't quite moved on from that yet.  I do realize that it's going to take a while to trust him again, it's not going to happen overnight, but I do know how sorry he is, and I'm working on it and he's helping me...

For the guys who molested me and beat me, i know they will never regret or be sorry for what they did, and there's no point in me seeking an apology from them.  I have to somehow find a way to just forget it, although i know that this may never happen, i hope to get to a point to where i'm not afraid to be at home alone at night and i'm not afraid to be out by myself at night.  I hope to get to a point to where it doesn't bother me as much as it has this past week.  I don't want to just lock it up again and pretend that it never happened, i want to deal with it and honestly moved forward.

As far as what Zack did to me, using me and abandoning me when i needed him more than ever, I have yet to ask him why.  My therapist seems to think that this would be a wise idea because she says it seems to appear that i am more upset with him, than with the others.  She said the others i seem to be angry with and afraid of, but with Zack i'm deeply hurt and upset, and she's right.  Zack promised that he was my friend, and that i could trust him.  So i did trust him, i believed in him, cared for him, and thought of him as my best friend only to have him use me and abandon me when i had NO ONE else on this earth to turn too.  That hurt me so much and i've never been able to forgive him for that, mostly because i've never confronted him about it.  And i'm still not sure yet that i have the courage to do so...

But nevertheless, i am doing better, i've come a LONG way over the past 2 days, yea i know 2 days isn't a lot of time, but i think (and hope) that i've made a lot of progress in the past 2 days.. Now i just have to find courage to face my demons and Zack.....