FORBIDDEN LOVE

I sit here alone

Thinking of you.

So I pull out the picture of you

That I keep hidden between the mattresses.

I'm sitting here looking at your eyes and lips

So sweet, how I remember your kisses

They tasted so sweet.

But that was years ago

So many things have changed.

We've taken different roads

And thought we had moved on.

But now we realize

That those feelings still exist.

As I'm sitting here looking at your photograph

I wish I could change the past

But I can't

And while I know what I feel for you is wrong

I can't change the way I feel.

We can't go back

And there's no use giving in to temptation now.

It breaks my heart

To feel this way for you

Knowing I will never have you.

I have to finally let you go

I just hope you know

That I love you to so many depths

And there's a good chance

That I always will.

To: elanalivingston@bellsouth.net

Fr: zdm234@netzero.net

• 1.) If I trusted you would you ever betray me? Nah
• 2.) If I needed you, would you be at my side? Sure
• 3.) When everyone in this world is against me, would you stand beside me? I'll kick their asses for you
• 4.) Can I completely trust you? Sure
• 5.) Would you protect me from harm? Yea
• 6.) Will you ever hurt me? Nah
• 7.) Can I confide in you anything, including my darkest secrets w/out judgment? Sure
• 8.) Do you value my friendship? Sure
• 9.) Are we good friends? Sure

10.) Will you always be my friend? Try too

             After reading this Elana began to realize just how much she needed Zane.  She knew that he was being truthful with her.  She didn't know how she knew, it was just a gut feeling she was having, but she knew Zane was in her heart that Zane would always be there for her.  It was really hard to understand but Abigail felt that now that Zane has once again come into her life, if she had to live without him, she would be lost.

            It was around five o'clock when Travis came home that evening.  Elana had dinner already on the table when he walked in the door.  She had spent the last hour and a half preparing steaks, mashed potatoes, homemade bread, and a fresh salad.  Travis loved steaks.  Her kids would eat everything she had prepared except for the steaks, but that's okay, because they are kids.  They all sat down at the table to eat dinner.  Elana looked around her table at the smiling faces of her children and then looked across from her at her husband.  She loved that man, no matter what.  They've been to hell and back in their relationship, but one thing has always remained the same, she's always loved him, and she knew in heart that she always would.

Over the next few months, Elana and Zane chatted online pretty frequently.  Than one day, Elana received an email from Zane that she never expected to receive.

[LM2] 

To: elanalivingston@bellsouth.net

Fr: zdm234@netzero.net

[LM3] Elana,

I really don't know what to say here. I at one time loved you and I may still, but somehow things are different. I don't feel right anymore. Everything feels wrong. I missed you but I am not sure I can be friends with you knowing you are with someone else. I feel jealous yet I am happy for you. But the problem is I want to be friends again, I really do. It's just the thought of you with another man makes me a little angry and I am not sure I can handle it. I guess I'll turn to MMA fighting to take my aggressions out on as I have done in the past. I am not a violent man but I don't know if I can or will be able to contain my self knowing that I want to be with you and I can't. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am just not totally OK with this. I so want to have you in my life again I just don't know if I can. I'm sorry, I am so sorry.  However, I do want you to know that if you ever need me, for anything I am here for you, and I always will be.  But I just don't think I can be in this close of a friendship with you and not have you.  I want you Elana, but I know that you are a married woman and would never betray your husband.  I know you cherish your vows, that is why I have to remove myself from this situation.  I am sorry if this upsets you, but it's something I must do. I do care for you Elana, I really do.   

I wish you the best,
Zane

            His ending seemed like he finally pulled the trump card on her, this is how it is going to end and she realized that somehow she had lost the game. Tears began to well up in her eyes, fear and dread began to fill her heart and sadness began to eat away at her very soul. She never wanted it to end like this, the pain was beginning to swell up and she was not sure if she could handle it.  But she knew what Zane was saying was true.  She too found it hard sometimes to talk to him and not be with him.  She missed him, but not in the way he meant. She did love him, but only as a friend but now it seemed like that had changed. The thought of losing him may have been the pin that popped the balloon.  Was she in love with Zane and just with Travis because she thought she was in love with him? How long had she been lying to herself she wondered, how long indeed.

CHAPTER 5

To: zdm234@netzero.net

Fr: elanalivingston@bellsouth.net

Zane,

Hi,
Do you mind if I ask you a question?  I hope not. I know it's been almost three years since we last had a real conversation besides the occasional "hi, how are you" email. Nevertheless, I need to tell someone what happened, and I'm not sure who else to turn to...

I just want to know why men think that women belong to them and that they can treat them any way they want?

It's a long story, but he got physical with me tonight and he really hurt me..  He grabbed my arm so tight that he bruised it, and I think he must have hurt the already damaged nerve because I now have pain shooting down my entire arm and into my hand.  Zane the pain is so bad, and I just don't know what to do about him.  This all started over some stupid fight about money and escalated into this.  I'm scared, I need you.

 I'm sorry, I know I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I didn't know who else I could tell.  Everyone else I know likes him so much, even my own family, and I just don't think I could turn to any of them... I need someone I need you.

I just don't understand how any man could get physical with any woman, no mater what the reason. I'm sorry for emailing you about this, but I just want some help, and you're the only one I trust enough.
TTYL

Elana.

Elana wrote those words almost feeling ashamed to tell even Zane what had happened, but she knew that he would care for her, he would protect her.  She was confused, Travis hadn't meant to hurt her, or so he said, but he did.  He grabbed her so hard, and the look in his eyes scared her to tears.  She was frightened by the cold heartedness she saw in his eyes, the same eyes that used to show so much love. In all their years together she had never saw that man before.  She needed a friend to help her think this through, she needed a friend she could lean on, someone to hold her and tell her it would be okay.  Elana knew she needed Zane.

Elana waited three weeks for Zane to respond to her email, yet his response never came.  Elana wasn't sure why, she knew he had logged on several times, and she knew he would have read it at least once in the past three weeks.  Yet he chose not to respond to her.  Elana finally came to the realization that Zane had turned his back on her.  He swore to her, that he would never hurt her in a million years.  Zane made Elana believe that she could turn to him when she needed someone, and that he would protect her from anyone, or anything.  And yet this time she needed him more than she had ever needed anyone in her entire life, and yet he just ignored her cry for help.   

Elana came to realize that she was going to have to sort this mess out on her own, she had to decided if Travis deserved another chance by herself.  She was too ashamed to tell anyone else, even if they would believe her, which she began to doubt that anyone would.  And the one person she did tell, refused to help her.  So it was up to her to figure this situation out, and get through it on her own.  Her heart broke and tears fell onto her already tear stained cheeks as she began to comprehend the fact that her friendship with Zane was officially over.  He wasn't her friend, he didn't even care what happened to her.  She began to wonder if he ever did.

This is a song that i absolutley love, that says everything i've been thinking for days, even weeks and months.  i know i have to let Z go, but i find it so hard to do.  I feel that i need him in my life, and i try so hard to walk away from him forever, but everytime i try i keep getting pulled back to him.  But anyway, this is a song that puts it all into words.

What Might Have Been

By: Little Texas

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long long time
I've got a good life, I moved on
So when you cross my mind

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again, there's no use giving in
And there's no way to know what might have been

We could sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past

So try not to think about what might've been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know what might have been

The same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away

And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then and we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use giving in
And there's no way to know
No we'll never know, what might have been

I wish there was a patch that I could use

Or a rehab that I could go to

To finally be free of you.

You are my addiction

And have been for so long

But it's unhealthy for me

All you do is bring me down

Now it's my time to turn to this car around.

One day without you down

A million more to go now.

I hope it gets easier with every passing day

Because this isn't easy in any way.

But I'm learning to live without you in my life

I'm getting on and saying goodbye.

It's harder than it looks

For what I suffer from there are no self-help books.

I've lost what I thought was my best friend

But that was just you playing pretend.

So now I'm moving on

All final traces of you are gone.

One day down

A million more to go now....

Everyone has their own demons

And sooner or later we have to face them

We keep them hid

Hoping that they will eventually fade away

But the truth is

Unless you face it, their not going anywhere.

Then, eventually one day we all have to face the truth

Face the fears we have forever kept hidden

And move on past these fears

My demons are internal

I'm afraid of failure.

Afraid of not being good enough

Afraid of losing

Afraid of proving them all right

Afraid of being so wrong.

All my demons are within myself

And I fight them everyday.

I try to keep them hid

Afraid that if I let them out

Then they will win

And I will lose.

I'm afraid of losing it all.

BROKEN

Author: Unknown

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal away your pain.

I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal away your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when your gone away

You've gone away you don't feel me anymore

The worst is over and we can breath again.

I wanna hold you high and steal away your pain

There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal away your pain

Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I'm strong enough

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I'm strong enough

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

Cause I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away

You don't feel me here anymore.

This is for my husband, the greatest man i know:

If there was one thing i could say to you
it would be to tell you how much i love you...
i would tell you that even on our worst days
you still find an amazing way
to make me smile
making all the pain i endure worthwhile.
i want to tell you how you make my heart skip a beat
When you whisper those words that are oh so sweet.
I love you in so many ways
Till my very dying day.
I love the way you hold me at night
With your arms around me so tight.
i love the way you wipe away my tears
And do your best to calm all my fear.
Sexy is how you make me feel
When you look at me with those eyes that can't conceal.
I love your baby blue eyes
They are such a sweet surprise.
I love the way you touch my skin
As the each new day begins.
i love waking in your arms
Knowing as long as i'm here i'm safe from harm.
Baby i could go on forver, but here's the truth
I really do love everything about you.

I thought I was moving on

After all signs of you were gone.

In truth I was bottling up the anger inside

But I have to finally move on tonight.

I wanted to believe so much that our friendship was real

But in truth to you it was no big deal.

I built up a fantasy friendship

That you tore all to shit.

My fantasy shattered

To you it never even mattered.

So I got angry at you

Because with me you were never being true

But I guess I was angry with myself

Because I believed we were more than just a dusty old book sitting on a shelf.

I was stupid to believe you would change

Now harsh words is all we will exchange.

I have to let all my anger and resentments go

Then the pain will leave too I hope.

I can't say I'm not mad at you for hurting me

But it's my fault because in you I believed.

Now I sit in the light of dawn

Finally free and ready to move on.

Resentments

Hatred, anger, and pain

All pent up inside my brain

Time to finally let it out tonight

Let out all that I've kept inside.

I hate you for lying to me

For making me believe.

I hate you for turning you back

My soul is beginning to feel dark and black.

You ignore me when I need you

And yet tell me that our friendship is true.

I hate you for using me for sex

Our relationship has become so complex.

I hate you for hurting me so many times

All this pain has built up in my mind.

I have all these resentments toward you

And yet now I'm learning more truth

Truth is, most of the anger is directed towards myself

Time to hang this pain on the shelf.

I hate myself for trusting you

I hate myself for believing you were true.

These resentments I have are toward both of us

Because neither of us is completely blameless.

You hurt me

Do me dirty

And turn your back on me

Now your day has come.

Today you get your due

While I'm going to sit and laugh at you.

I hope you get the pain you deserve

I wish for someone to do to you what you have done to me.

Watching you ball up

Sorta brings a smile to my face.

I want to take what's most important to you.

You want to win your big fight next week

So that you become the next champ,

But I hope you loose

I hope that guy kicks your ass.

I hope you feel as much pain as you have caused me.

Yeah I know it's wrong

But it's the way I feel

It may not be right of me

But after all you've done

I can't help but feel this way.

So when you feel the pain of loosing the one thing you want most

Look for me in the audience

And you'll see me smile

While I say to you

Payback's a bitch...

Cinderella dances at the ball

It's a grand affair that isn't small

With her prince charming by her side

Now she has become his bride.

Looking gorgeous in her beautiful gown

No way she would ever wear a frown.

So they go on to live happily ever after

It's all smiles and laughter.

I wish to God real life was this way

Then hurtful things no one would ever say.

But this is the real world

Where insults will be hurled.

Feelings will be hurt

And people will throw you in the dirt.

Hell, our relationship has had moments like that

Sometimes it feels like I'm stepping into combat.

But maybe every relationship is that way

I guess it varies from day to day.

Sometimes we're all happy and cheerful

Next I'm sad and tearful.

But you're my spouse

And together we share this house.

I love you in so many ways

Even on those sad and rainy days.

So even if this isn't Cinderella's life

In the morning, I'm still your wife.

It's time to cut you loose

Say goodbye and call a truce.

Time to let you go

Even though the truth I may never know.

I've tried too hard

But I've been dealt the final trump card.

It's clear this isn't going to work

So you can wipe off that smug smirk.

It's time for the final goodbye

And I'll probably be the only one to cry.

I know it's not bothering you anyway

To see me walk away.

So this is what it's time for me to do

Drifting apart

Breaking my heart.

Feeling alone

These feeling are my own.

Millions of thoughts running through head

As you sit next to me on this big comfy bed

Yet I feel as if I'm the only one.

Tears of pain have begun.

You don't say a word

Silence is the only thing heard.

You sit without an expression on your face.

While I'm longing for your sweet embrace.

You lie and say nothing's wrong

While the radio plays another sad song.

You can only push a girl away for so long

Until she walks out of you life on her own.

So be careful and make sure this is what you want

Because once she turns around

She isn't coming back....

What goes around

Comes around

And when it comes around

It's going to hit you fucken hard

So don't do the ones you love wrong

Cause karma's going to do your ass

Twice as wrong...

The steaming hot water

Poured down onto her naked skin.

Tears begin to stream down her face

As the truth about her reality sets in.

Pondering the thoughts

That plaque her blackened mind.

Wondering if only there were someway

That she could turn back the time.

He lied once again

She knew now she was wrong

She believed his lies

If only she could be so strong.

He pushes her away again and again

Then wants her to keep come running back to him.

This time he's pushed her to far

She can't go back to him again.

How stupid could she have been

To think this time he would be change

She is comforted by pain

A feeling that is no longer strange.

She sits in the shower

Water pouring down on her.

Wishing him gone

Her life becoming a blur.

Crying out in pain

Not knowing what to do now

Hoping and praying

If only somehow.

Wanting to destroy every memory

Trying to put him out of her mind

Trying to convincer her heart

All wounds will heal with time.

Screw

The hates,

The assholes,

The people out to get you.

The whiners

The people that cheat you.

The people who pretend to be your friend

The people who are purposly rude

Those who purposly hurt you.

The hypicritical

The greedy

The decieving

And the people who don't appreciate you....

Screw them all...

I wanna write this for Tim

To say a few things to him.

I want to take the time

To say to him all the thoughts in my mind.

I want to let him know

That I love him so..

He’s changed my world in so many ways

Honestly it gets a little better everyday.

We’ve had our ups and downs

We’ve even gained a few pounds.

God knows I’ve made so many mistakes

To bad it’s not the movies cause we don’t get second takes.

Worst mistake I made

Was letting Z into my life where sometimes he stayed.

But you forgave me

And a second chance we agreed.

Then you physically hurt me

I’m still trying to move past and be free

Of the fear I have of you hurting me once more

Never again would you hurt me you swore.

I wish we could do most of it over

This time I would take with me a lucky four-leaf clover.

But we can’t we have to live with our mistakes

And pray this time our hearts wont break.

I think we deserve another chance

A chance for love and romance.

 I just want to say you are the love of my life

I’m so happy to be your wife.

If he died today

There'd be things I never got to say.

So many things left unsaid

To late now, for he'd be dead.

I'd never get to tell him

That even after all these years part of me never stopped loving him.

I'd never have a chance to say

That I think about him nearly everyday.

It would go unsaid

That I'd miss if he were dead.

So many questions would remain

I'd wonder if he loved me the same.

We never worked our friendship out

All I'd be left with is doubt.

I'd never how good of friends we could have been

Now there's no chance to try again.

He'd never know the way I truly feel

If only one more moment I could steal.

 I'd never know if he felt the same

A permanent end to our friendship would have came.

So while he is still alive

To tell him the truth I must strive

I don't want to live with regrets

Even if things change and no one forgets.

I'm not sure if it'll make a difference to him

Sometimes our relationship is dark and grim.

He may never care about me or how I feel

But the truth I have to tell for it is real.

We may not be best friends anymore

But I have to say before he takes the last step out the door.

I can't live with things left unsaid

Questions unanswered and tucked neatly under the bed.

I don't want to think about what I'd never get to say

If God forbid he was to die today.

He lies on his death bed

Writing to her the final thoughts in his head..

He's known and loved her for such a long time

Now this is his last chance to say what's on his mind.

Loved her for more than fifty years

But afraid telling her would cause her more tears.

She's been there for him when no one else was

Understood him when no one else does.

The only problem was she spent the last five decades

Married to another man, the truth he evades.

While she remained faithful to her spouse

He's wished she'd come live with him in his house.

So he loved her from afar

While he wished on every single star

That one day she would be his

But now it is what it is.

He writes to her of his love

And the life he always dreamed of.

He prays there is an after life

One where she can become his wife

And that they meet there on some sweet day

This he wishes as he feels his life slip away.

It's time to let her go

But it's hard when he began loving her so long ago.

She walks in to find she's too late

She cries over the death of her soul mate.

She sits there by his bed holding his lifeless hand

The pain is almost too much to stand.

She reads the letter he wrote for her

Knowing the pain that would occur.

As she reads his final words

The nurses said something she over heard

They said he stopped loving her today

But the truth she can't begin to convey

She knows they shared a love

That in another life they will be worthy of.

A love not even death can divide

Their loves goes on even after he died.

I'm wiping the dirt off of your skinned knees

You two begin to cry as you see it starts to bleed.

I dry the tears from your baby blue eyes

Saying, "hush my babies please don't cy."

I kiss it to make the pain go away

Then your sweet smiles brighten my day.

A kiss and hug

And you're on your way out the door without even a shrug.

When you're sick I do my best to make you feel well

My darling kids Ty and Belle.

You play till dinner time

Then you can't make up your mind

Not sure if you want to eat today

Or if all you're going to do is play.

I love the way you dance to the beat

Watching the two of you smile is my sweet retreat.

Nighttime comes and it's time for bed

I tuck in as you lay down your sleepy heads.

I read you a story and sing a song

You know the words and like to sing along.

Now I watch the two of you sleep

For we're done counting sheep.

Everything i do

i do for the two of you

I'm grateful for my pride and joy

My little girl and my little boy.

It was a sunny day when they met

They sit today with only one regret.

He was attracted to her right away

But she was to be married in May.

They became instant friends

Life-long is what she intends.

Weeks past and feelings began to arise

Much to both of their surprise,

They feel in love

But unfortunately it wasn't enough.

She married the other man

Sticking to her plan.

But three and a half years after she broke it off with Zane

He came back into her life scrambling the thoughts in her brain.

They tried to be friends

Hoping to make amends

But he made her heart bleed

In her worst moment of need.

She walked away

Hoping that someday

He'd come back to her

Being friends she would prefer.

Months had past

But still the dream did last.

She ran into him one day

He apologized and swore to never again betray.

The tried to be friends once again

Hoping this time it wouldn't end.

Years and years past

While their friendship did last.

His marriage came and failed

Babies came and yelled.

Their friendship managed to stay strong

But he still felt something was wrong.

He was still in love with her

But wasn't sure what could occur.

She was in love with him too

But just didn't know what to do.

Married to her husband for 33 years

How she's cried so many tears.

All the while she's loved Zane

Her heart aches in pain.

She's always remained faithful to her consort

Even the time when his physical abuse cut her short.

But Zane always had a side of her heart

A side that only death could part.

No matter how many times

They tried to walk away

They were always brought back together someday.

They did share a love that no one knew

Kept it hid, but to them it was true.