Okay, so most of you know that i am the proud mother of two children, a little boy, who turned 3 years old today, and a 19month old girl.  Well, today was also my son's first day of preschool.....For those of you who don't know, my son has had some trouble with his speech, he talks really fast and it's hard for anyone to understand him, except for me & my hubby.  He's been in speech therapy for the past year, and that's helped a LOT, but his speech therapist thought it would be a good idea for him to start school when he turned 3 (today) to be around other kids his age, he'll also recieve speech therapy at school.  So all last week, and the past two days of this week i've been going to meetings at the school with school officials, and taking him to get his physical, ect.  Yesterday we went to his placement meeting, and they told us he could start school, so he did. 

My husband and I took him to school this morning at 15 till 9:00, (preschool starts at 9:00), Ty was all excited to go to school, that's all he's been able to talk about for over a month now.  So when we got to school, he started playing with the other kids right away.  When hubby & I were ready to leave we called Ty over to give him a hug & kiss.  We told him goodbye, he walked back over to the table and sat down with the teacher and began to draw a picture for us.  We walked out the door, and two seconds later the tears began to flow.  It wasn't Ty crying, infact, when I picked him up from school this afternoon, the teacher said he never cried at all.  It was my tears that began to flow.  My little boy, was now growing up on me. 

When i was about 26 weeks pregnant with Ty i began having complications and no one could figure out why i was going into early labor. They sent me to a hospital 2 hours away where they were able to stop my labor, but i was hospitalized for about a week and a half.  Then about a month later i was hospitalized again for another week, but this time i was able to stay in my hometown.  The day after i was sent home i began to have contractions, and this time all the drugs in the world couldn't stop the labor.  Ty was born 8 weeks premature, and the doctors never could figure out was caused my early labor. He was hospitalized for 2 weeks after he was born, and those were the hardest two weeks of my life.  It ripped my heart out to leave him crying everynight when i would go home to my bed and he had to stay in that cold hospital.  He was very healthy for a preemie, his only problem was that he was jaunice, no other complications, thank God.  But when i was able to bring him home, i clung to him.  I wouldn't let him out of my sight.  He slept in my room, in a crib next to my bed, for the first three months.  And he's been with me everyday since, the only time i let him stay with someone, i missed him after only 2 hours and my hubby and i cut our date short, (this was before Bella was born).  So today, was another hard day for me.

I knew this day would come, I knew i had to let him go, I just didn't expect the emotions that I would feel.  I felt as if i had just lost my little boy, it was as if he didn't need me anymore.  I know he still needs me, but for the first time in his life, I wasn't the one that he was going to spend his days with. 

My heart ripped to shreds, and i balled my eyes out.  I love that little boy, I got better as the day went on.  I thought about him all day, wondering if he was okay.  So when i picked him up this afternoon all i wanted to do was hold him.  He told me, "mom i'm a big kid, i love school"  His teacher said he had so much fun.  I really am glad he had fun at school,  but it just doesn't seem right at the house without him.  I guess it's just something all parents have to go through, but it's painful to know that he's growing up and will one day he would no longer need me.

Hi everyone,

I know that i haven't been writing in a while, but i have been very busily working on my novel, which i want to add is coming along very nicely. Thank you all for all of your comments about the excerpt that i posted, it was very helpful.  i hope to finish writing soon, althouh it may take me longer than i hope.  i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted a comment.

okay, so i have been working on my novel.  Here's an excerpt from my book and i would really like everyone's advice on it.  I hope you lke it, please comment me with any thoughts you have.  Oh and bye the way i am searching for a publisher for my poetry book, if anyone knows any good publishers that would be greatly appreciated.

Over the next few weeks Elita and Zane chated online pretty frequently.  Than one day, Elita received an email from Zane that she never expected to receive.

To: elitalivingston@bellsouth.net

Fr: zdm234@netzero.net

Elita,

Hi, how are you.  I know I haven't messaged you in a few days, but I've been doing some thinking.   We make great friends, but I don't think we can be friends anymore. Truth is, I don't think we could ever be just friends.  I care about you, and I know you care about me too.  Only you love someone else, and I love you.  Elita, I do love you, and I think part of you love me too.  But you are married and you would never let yourself admit it.  I know that you love your husband, but like I said, I think part of you still has feelings for me too.  I still want to keep in touch with you, just not the way we have been.  Things are just to hurtful for me, so I'm going to pull back some.  I'm sorry to tell you like this, but this is the only way I know how to tell you.  I will always love you.

             We'll be in touch again.

Zane.

His ending seemed almost final.  She was saddened by this news.  But she knew what Zane was saying was true.  She too found it hard sometimes to talk to him and not be with him.  She missed him, but not in the way he meant.  She did love him, but only as a friend, she was in love with Travis.  Or could he be right, was she lying to everyone, including herself?
                                                Chapter 5

            She arrived at the gymnasium just in time.  It was ten minutes till the recital started.  She walked in spotted Hailey and walked over to her daughter. 

"Mom, you made it. I was afraid you wouldn't." The four year old little beauty said.

"Are you kidding, I wouldn't miss your first ballet recital for anything. Where's your Aunt Kira?" Elita asked as she helped fix her daughter's hair.

"She's sitting over there.  Is dad going to make it?"

"Of course he is honey.  He had to pick up Robbie from little league football practice, but when I spoke with him he said he was on his way."

"Okay, well I'm going to go to the back with the other girls."

"Okay, I'll find a seat and wait for your big debut."  Elita said as she hugged her daughter and then watched her run off with the other girls.  At this moment Elita was so happy, her daughter was about to perform, and she was so proud.  Just then someone tapped her on her shoulder, she turned around and saw her friend Kira standing there.

"Hey girl, where have you been. I've been looking for you, I saw your little girl she looks so cute." Elita asked her friend.

"I was over there talking to Jasper and his friend.  I don't think you've ever met his friend, he's really nice.  Travis and him would probably get along real well. You guys should meet him."

"Oh, well what's his name?" She asked Kira, just as Jasper and his friend walked over to the ladies.  Only Jasper's friend wasn't just anyone, it was someone Elita had known for years.  Someone Elita had once loved.  Jasper and Kira's friend was none other than Zane.

"Hi." Zane said to Elita without blinking.

"Hi." Elita responded, barely able to take her eyes off of him.  It had been almost seven years since she had seen him.  She only talked to him online every once a month or so, but she hadn't seen him for almost seven years.  But she recognized him none the less. And he recognized her.

"I didn't realize the two of you knew each other." Kira said as she smiled turning to Jasper as she realized the look on Elita's and Zane's faces.

"Oh, yeah, they met back senior year of college. And they probably have a lot to catch up on." Jasper said to his wife, trying to pull her away.

"You mean, he's her mystery, and she's his lost one?" She asked as they walked away.

Please comment me about this, i want to know what you all think.

~DAMAGED PIECES~

There's nothing but damaged pieces

My favorite picture frame has paid the price.

My friend played a joke on him

His reaction wasn't nice.

He grabbed her by her hair

And hit her in her face

I couldn't let him do this to her

So I took her place

I got between them as I know she would have done for me

I had to protect her

Friends wouldn't let something like this be.

I knew what he was capable of

He was a mass destruction waiting to happen

When he did no one was laughing.

I screamed & fought

I felt my impending doom

He didn't seem to care who saw

Now I'm crying in my room.

I cringe & listen to his hurtful words in numb despair

While his curses fill my ears

He has my throat

My eyes bulge up with tears.

"If only she wasn't your stupid friend"

I know that's what he'll say

I'd run & hide

But he wouldn't let me get away

He's sitting across the room, the fury has deceased

He's pretending that nothing ever transpired

I stand to face him, my picture frame in hand

I've never been so terrified, my body feels expired.

He looks at the picture frame

So delicate & complete

I threw it as hard as I could

Glass dismembered at his feet.

He stared at me in confusion

I finally took a stand

"Each broken piece of this frame is me

Why can't you understand?"

Some of the pieces can heal back together with time

But others are way too deep.

This frame will never be the same

And I'll forever be afraid to sleep.

"Each time you hit my face

Each time you grab my arm

My mind & heart are damaged

And no one can undo the harm".

He told me to quit being a baby

And clean up that junk

My mind, body, heart, & soul

Were ripped apart in big hunks.

I finally left him one day

He never wanted me to leave

A broken picture frame is my memento

Of a life that was taken from me.

The pain is still so real for me

I see him everyday at school

I try to ignore him

But he always finds his rule.

If I had my way

I wouldn't have him around

He finds more ways to hurt me

And throw me to the ground.

My life is damaged pieces

But I hope & pray

That one day, I'll be able to fix my frame

And he will get his day.

I'm putting a book of poetry together to basically say that I'm me, take it or leave it.  You'll find a lot of my feelings throughout my poetry, and read a lot of the things I've been through.  But I just feel like I need to say that this is me and these are my feelings, and I've tried to change for certain people, but I can't, I'm simply me.

This is a set of poems that I've been writing since I was a freshman in high school.  These poems are all very personal and most of them mean a lot to me.  I have put these poems in chronological order by date they were written.  As I said before, some of these poems date back to my freshman year in high school.  These poems deal with everything from love, drugs, abuse, broken hearts, friendship, and so many other things.  

            I've had a lot of cards dealt to me, and I've managed to get back up on my feet after each of them.  I've managed to deal with things mostly because of my writing.  I put my thoughts to paper and work things out that way.  Some things may seem childish or silly once on paper, others seem bigger than I had originally thought.  Never the less, I'm able to deal with whatever the situation may be I can handle it with my writing.  Some people have art or music, me, I have poetry.  Some of my poems sound a little like a song but that's just the way I write sometimes, I guess it just depends on my mood.  

 I hope by publishing them I can help someone else sort out they're feelings the way that writing them has helped me sort out mine.  So here's my first page from my book, please read it and send me your thoughts.  Thanks alot. 

~THAT'S WHAT YOUR DRUGS DID TO ME~

How could you

That's what I need to know

Why would you

Just let something like that go

How could you let him

Beat the shit out of me

Why would you let something like that happen

And still not see

I've got to let this out

I've never had my chance before

So I'm doing this now

Before my bravery walks out the door.

You let him beat me

you didn't care

As long as he wasn't messing with your drugs

You didn't even dare.

You were my boyfriend

Why weren't you there

He was my ex

Why didn't you care

You were a drug-addicted alcoholic

That didn't care about anything but getting high

I was your girlfriend

But you didn't care that he made me cry.

You hadn't shaved in weeks

Your baby blue eyes were always blood shot

I cried every night

Because we always fought.

Then there was what he did to me

I still can't get the question out of my mind

How could you

Maybe we should go back in time.

December 2000, my head hit the wall

He pounded his fist against my face

I screamed until I could no longer scream at all.

I tried to overpower him, it was no use

Everyone looked on in awe, they saw this horrible abuse.

He over powered me, everyone stood around

No one noticed as my tears hit the ground

Fear swept over my body

I could see the anger in his eyes

Lightning struck & thunder rolled

As his anger turned into a mad storm raging in the skies

You found out, and all you said was "Oh well"

"what can I do?" Damn you to hell.

So he beat me everyday, I screamed & fought

I was bruised & tortured, yet he still didn't get caught.

Where were you when he hit me everyday

What did care as long as he kept me out of your way.

I know you were always getting high

What did you care if your girlfriend died.

But that was you

You didn't care then

But what about now,

Are you still caught up in that sin?

I broke every picture frame

That held your precious face

I didn't want to look at you

I had to get you out of my place

I cursed & screamed I even yelled

You weren't around when I needed your help.

You were always like that

It didn't even matter what happened to me

That's the way you were, just to blind to see.

Your friends got you started and I tried to blame them all

It was easy for a while

But you let Adam throw me against the wall

It wasn't entirely you friend's fault

I asked you to quit

But you just wanted to get high, and take another hit.

Was the joint you smoked everyday good

I really hope it was

You really hurt me

And the drugs are the reason because.

If you could only understand the way you hurt me all those times

All because you spent everyday blowing away your mind

But I guess you've learned

You seem different today

I know this all happened years ago

But I had to do it this way

I never got the chance before.

I just want you  to know

I really do love you

But you've go to understand

What I had to go through

Not many know

The transition you made

The man you are today

Versus the man I hate

But realize one thing

No matter how different today you may be

Nothing will ever change the fact

That, that's what your drugs did to me.

~REMEMBER ME~

Remember me as a child

When I would come and visit you for a while

Remember me for I always cared

I was the one who was always there.

Remember me for our friendship

That we shared on that long trip

Remember me, hanging out at the mall

It was like our study hall

Remember me for those lyrics I wrote

You always said that they hit the perfect note

Remember when I sang to you that perfect song

Remember me for the love we shared

Was always so strong

Remember me as we walked along

The grassy are by the pond.

Remember me always thinking about my future

Hoping my dreams would come true

Remember me always thinking about my dreams

Always planning for you and me.

~MY BREATH OF DEATH~

falling down into a pond of doubts

I was struggling for breath

The breath I needed was a poison

But yet I thought my life depended on it

As if I were a desert

And water was my only chance of surviving

The breath I was struggling for

Was a risk of everything I owned

My future, my dignity, and my virginity

The breath so vital

That I may live

And no one knows that the breath

That I struggled for was you

My last breath

The breath I had waited for

For so long, that I had struggled for

The final taste of that breath

That would be my last of you.

So many things have happened in my life, and I’ve been through so many things. I’ve made mistakes & people around me have made mistakes. So I think it’s finally time for me to start putting my thoughts to paper. I’ve started writing this book to help me deal with all my problems, I hope people can use my insight to deal with their own problems. This is just a rough draft of my first chapter so i'd really lke your input on what you think.  Thank you!

“Chelle’s talking to Adam again, she’s laughing. Oh no, he’s getting mad, why is he grabbing her hair. He’s slapping her in the face, I have to do something to stop this. I put myself in between them. He’s got me pinned against the wall with one arm and he’s hitting me in the face, chest, and arms with his other fist. Everyone’s just standing around watching, they’re all cowards, I guess it’s okay for a guy to hit on a girl. Finally he lets me free, I fall to the ground for I can’t stand. Chelle helps me up and I find my cell to call Tim, I finally reach him but he’s stoned again. The only thing he can manage to say when I tell him what just happened is: “what do u want me to do?” I want to scream, “What do I want you to do, I want you to protect me!!! I thought you loved me!”

Thank God it was just a dream again. They’re starting to happen more frequently again. I thought I got rid of them, but here they come again. I roll over in the bed to see my husband lying next to me. He’s not the man he was back then. He’s not the man who let me get hit, he quit using the drugs and he really loves me now. I don’t blame him for what happened to me, I mean it wasn’t his fault, but I can’t help but wish that one day that dream will change and he’ll be there to stop Adam from hitting me. I want him to be there to protect me, I want Adam to stop. I can’t tell him about my dream, he blames himself for what happened. He says he should have been there, he should’ve done something to Adam for what he did to me. I don’t know what to tell him about that, we can’t change the past, but I know that he would NEVER let that happen to me now.

I was 15 when I met Adam, I was a freshman in high school. He was cute and I liked him. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a while, but he cheated on me with my now ex-best-friend. About a month after Adam and I broke up I started going out with Tim. He was the greatest guy I ever met. Tim was a 17 year old junior, and really good looking. He was tall, dark haired with baby blue eyes, and just handsome. He took me to his junior prom where we fell in love. I was really in love with him.

But summer came and we didn’t spend much time together. Over the summer he started hanging out with the wrong crowd and began using drugs. I guess they messed him up pretty bad, because I never spoke to him once that summer. I figured our relationship was over, and I was truly heart broken. When school started back in the fall I was excited to see Tim. He said he thought about me all summer, but never got around to calling me. So we decided to pick things up where they left off. Immediately I could tell things were different with him, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Months went by before I finally learned from Brandon that Tim had started using drugs over the summer. I was devastated, I wasn’t sure why he started, but I thought for sure that there was no way I could handle it. But I decided that I loved him, and I was going to try to stick by him. So I did.

 One day we were sitting in the lunchroom at school when a “friend” of his walked up to him and they began talking. He started asking here if she would like to take hot steamy showers with him. Now I’m not one who gets easily jealous, but I don’t think any girl wants to hear their boyfriend talking about taking showers with another girl. I was pissed to say the least, Brandon told me to relax, it wasn’t the real Tim, it was the drugs talking. I believed it, so I forgave Tim. Then a few days later he was asking Brian about his ex-girlfriend Patricia. He said something like, “Now she was a good girlfriend, I wonder how she’s doing, I’ll have to give her a call sometime.” Uh, HELLO, I’m sitting right here, and I can hear you. I was so humiliated, how could a guy say he loves me but talk about his ex-girlfriend in front of me like that. But foolish me, I forgave him once again. Months went by and Tim continued to do stupid things, (like slapping other girls behinds and hitting on them in front of me) and I continued to forgive him. Yes, I know I was naïve.

Then one day, everything changed. He was home one day and I was having some really bad stress migranes. I had been getting them for months, ever since our relationship troubles started. Any way, I was already feeling sick when I saw my best friend Chelle talking to my ex Adam. She seemed to be laughing, but he didn’t look so happy. Then he grabbed her by her hair and slapped her in the face. I knew him, and I knew what he was capable of doing to her. So I put myself in between them. Adam grabbed my arm and threw me against the wall, he put his forearm across my chest and held me there. I felt the pressure against my chest and began to have trouble breathing. Then he started punching me in my face, chest, and arms. I cried and begged him to let me go, I could see Chelle standing behind him yelling at him to let me go. There where other people around, but no one would help. Finally he let me go, I fell to the floor. Chelle helped me up and we walked away. When I got a chance I called Tim and told him what had happened. He told me not to worry, he’d take care of Adam. The next day he showed up stoned again, not a surprise, and he talked to Adam alright, but it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I could see the two of them laughing. What was he doing congratulating Adam for beating on me.

That was it, I’d had enough. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and I told Tim that I was giving him one last second chance. He had one shot to quit using drugs or I was leaving him, and this time I meant for good. I couldn’t handle anymore of him flirting with other girls or playing nice with a guy who had just beat on me. I was done with all the drugs, if that’s what he wanted, then he was more than welcome to have it, but I wanted out. Valentine’s day he comes to me with a teddy bear & a box of chocolates and an apology. He apologized for being such a jerk, and swore to me that he was gonna get clean. He said he wanted me & not the drugs.

From that day on, Tim has kept his promise he made to me. He never went back to using the drugs, and I’m glad I gave him that second chance. We’re married now, and he’s been clean for the past 6 years. He still blames himself for being on drugs. He says if he hadn’t been on drugs then what Adam did to me never would have happened. He also says he should have done something for it. But like I’ve already said, there’s nothing we can do now. To much time has passed and now we have to just move on and learn from our mistakes.

I had a dream last night about my past.  I'm refferring to the abuse that I indurred about 6 years ago.  I was back there again, in that hallway in school.  A. and ex of mine, was there.  My best friend Chelle was joking with him.  I can see him getting mad at her, he grabs her by her hair and begins to slap her in the face.  I put myself between them.  He throws me against the wall, everyone is standing around just watching as he continuously punches me in the face, arms, and chest.  He's got me pinned down with his other arm and I can't move.  Finally he lets me go and i can barely move.  Chelle helps me away as I search for my cell to call Tim.  I finally reach him but he's stoned again, the only thing he says is: "what do u want me to do?".  What do i want you to do, i want you to protect me i want to scream.

 Then I woke up.  I rolled over and saw the man lying next to me.  He's not the man that didn't care about me back then.  He's changed, he quit using drugs, he loves me.  I can't tell him about my dream, it upsets him that he wasn't there for me & that he never did anything about what happened to me.  It's not his fault, I don't blame him.  I do wish i could forget.  I've pretty much put it behind me, but every once in a while a dream likes this sneaks up on me.  It scares me, I feel like i'm back there again, but then i wake up and i relaize that this is now, and now I have someone who would NEVER let that happen to me again.

You can say what you desire

But we both know

That you are a liar

You never really loved me

Now more than ever

The truth I really see

It makes me sick to think about

The way you used me to get what you wanted

From the depths of my heart I want to shout

The pain I am now relieving

The joy I once had with you is now replaced with anger

In you I stopped believing.

Never again will I believe what you say

My pain and tears over you

End here today.

I did love you once, but that was so long ago

The truth about you has come out

The pain I've felt, I hope you will someday know.

What do you think I am, a slut or a whore?

I'm sorry, but that's not me

So you can just keep looking some more.

If you're mad at me because I'm flying like a dove

Then you have a lot of things to figure out

I hope you get everything you are worthy of.

You can be a jackass, and many other things

As much as I try fight it

Sometimes I hope misery is what you're life brings.

I don't want to be with you

You're not what I seek

But I hope someday you feel blue too.

I'm finally washing my hands of you

But in my heart I know you never really loved me

But we both know that my love for you was true.

I don't hope life brings you what you wish

I'll probably never see you again, and that's okay

This is goodbye, without the kiss.

You should know

I've always spoke the truth

 With you I've never lied.

You should know

I've always spoke the truth

With you I've never lied.

You know I truly loved you

   You should know

 I've tried to hard to put my feelings aside

I loved you once

But things can't be, it's time to say goodbye.  

 I should know

That friends we could never be.

We tried, but failed

So please walk away from me.  

 I should know

 You never really loved me.

I wanted to believe your lies

But now the truth I see.

   We should know

That what we had couldn't last

Love should'nt be this hard

So we're just part of the past.

  We should know

 Our relationship wasn't meant to grow

I can't speak for you

But now I know. 

I realize that everyone that has been commenting about my blog is right.  I really need to distance myself from Z.  I've done some thinking, and I'm ready to close the chapter on Z.  I know it's for the best for Tim & me.  Our relationship matters more to me than anything I've EVER had with Z.  He's a good friend to me, but not a friend that I need to have as a constant in my life.  I need Tim as my best friend, and I want him to remain that way.  I'm ready to say goodbye to Z. 

Thank you everyone for the advice!!

His fist hitting my face,

Scraming, no one to help.

"Let me go"

Flashbacks again,

He keeps looking at me, why?

Hundreds of people milling around,

His face gets redder & the anger in his eyes is more apparent.

His left hand is pressing against my chest, keeping me pinned against the wall.

He's hitting me in my arms, face, & stomach

No one here's my screams.

It seems to last forever, but it's only a few moments.

I'm covered in bruises, confused, & wearey.

It's been over six years ago,

Why come back now?

Tears streaming down my face,

Why am I crying?

Why now?

Why?

Okay, I have only one question today:  if the one person you loved had a very important decision to make that would affect the both of you, wuold you lie & manipulate the situation so that it would work out in your favor, or would you trust you significant other to make the best decision for you?

I'm only asking because I was put in a position to make an important decsion and instead of trusting me, Tim manipulated the situation so that I made the choice he wanted me to.  I'm just wondering what everyone else thinks, and what you would do if it was you in the situation. 

Once very long ago,

I knew you & you knew me.

But years have past

And I wonder now what is there to be?

We fell in love then

But things just weren't meant to work out

So we went our separate ways

Without any doubt.

Now we've became friends again

I'm learning to trust you

I've started feeling that way again

I just don't know what I should do.

My heart says it's okay I can tell you anything

But I'm skeptical about the truth

I don't know how you feel or think

For I'm just reconnecting with you.

I ‘m not even sure how I feel,

So I can't expect you to explain your feelings to me.

I know I care for you,

Your friend I'll always be.

As our friendship begins to grow

I'll always be here if you should ever need me

I'm beginning to realize too

That you'll be there for me whenever I need you to be.

Our friendship is just beginning

But I know something that's not a lie

You're my friend that lends his shoulder

When I need to cry.

You've already been there for me when I needed someone to talk to

You make me laugh and smile, feeling so true

I'm one very lucky girl

To have a friend like you..

Z and I are friends.  That's it.  I love him, but only as a friend.  We had a good talk today, I got the answers to questions I was seeking.  We straightened out some misunderstandings, and I think that maybe, just maybe, we're gonna be okay.  i guess things got so conused before, for the both of us, and neither of us knew what to do or where to go.  He swore to me that he never meant to hurt me before, and I believe him.  He sounded truly genuine.  I'm not stupid, I know that he could be playing me, but I can't help but forgive him.  He's my friend, and I feel like I need him in my life.  He's there to give me advice when I need it, and he's there to listen to me complain & b---h about things when i need him too.  I'm not sure I completely trust him, I'm still working on that, but I do know that I have forgiven him, I mean we both made mistakes in the past, after all, everyone makes mistakes sooner or later.  And sometimes, some people are worth being forgiven.

 As far as Tim goes, I love him more than any-one (except my kids) and that's never going to change.  He is my best friend as well as my husband.  I've forgiven him for lying to me about Z.  I understand why he did it, I'm not happy about it, but I do understand it.  We've got a lot to work out, but I think we will.  I know we will.  He accepts Z in my life, he's not jealous, and he has no reason to be.  I love Tim & only Tim.  No one is EVER going to change that.  I married him, and I plan on honorring my marraige vows.

So, what I'm saying is that I've forgiven both men in my life, and I think everything is going to be okay.  I'll be able to have my two best friends in my life, and that's all I'm asking.  There is so much going on with sickness in my family & ect. that I need them both.  Sometimes it's good to have friends that will stand by you no matter what, and I believe that both of my friends will.

I love to watch my kids play, they are such a delight.  I could sit and watch them all day, they definitly know how to brighten my day.  Ty, he's turning 3 at the end of the month, & Bella, she's 18 months, are so much fun and full of life.  I love them with all my heart, God they are my reason for everything I do. 

 Bella acts like she's a princess, she goes around playing with these little princess dolls we got her for Christmas and calling them her "pretty's".  It's so sweet.  When she looks in the mirror she says "momma, i pretty".  My God, she is so beautiful, Tim & everyone else I know says she looks just like me, but I think she's so much more beautiful than i am. 

Ty, God he's a handful, he got early admittance into preschool, so now he starts the week after he turns 3, and he's so looking forward to it.  Everyday he asks me, "mom, can i go to school today?" and everyday i tell him that he can go after his birthday.  He's really big into cars & wrestling.  Tm got him a bunch of little wrestling figures for Christmas and he loves them.  Tim plays with him, they could spend all day just the two of them playing. 

My kids are the light of my life, I would do anything for them, no matter what the cost.  I love them so much, and no matter what I will always have faith in them.

I don't understand why I care about Z. anymore.  I've moved on, or I thought I had.  I mean I'm married to a good man whom I love more than anyone in this world, and we have two completely wonderful kids. So then why on God's green earth do I care about Z.  Why do I care whether or not he lied to me before.  I mean it matters to me, I don't know why, but it does.  If he lied to me before then I can never trust him again and there's no way we can ever truly friends. I love him like he's my best friend, I mean we have history, but I'm finding it increasingly hard to trust what he tells me.  Back then he told me one thing and now he says something different.  Which am I suppossed to believe?  What exactly am I suppossed to do.  Tim, my husband, suggessted that I just shut Z out of my life completely, but I'm not sure I can do that.  Not yet, not without knowing the truth about everything.  I need to know the truth because I think that's the only way I will ever truly be ever to move on.  Z touches a part of me that no one else can touch, he makes me smile even in my darkest times, and he's the one I turn to when Tim doesn't understand me or hurts me.  But I'm not sure if Z lied to me, if he did then I'm not sure how I can ever move past that. 

But then again I guess I could say the same about Tim, I mean he lied to me too, he lied to me about Z 4 years ago to get me to put him out of my life, then he waited 2 & 1/2 years before telling me the truth.  We were already married by the time I learned the truth, and I forgave him, because at the time I didn't see no point in worrying about it.  But now that Z and I are friends again I can't help but wondering how many other times Tim has lied to me, and how many times Z has lied to me.  I mean the two people in my life that I trust the most have both lied to me in the past and I'm just wondering if I can truly trust either of them ever again.  Yes I'm married to Tim, but I just can't help but wonder what he will do this time to get Z out of my life.  He says that he's past Z and realizes that we're just friends and that he doesn't mind us being friends, but I can't help but doubt him.

I've been lied to way too many times that I'm starting to doubt anyone.  God, if anyone has any suggestions I would grately appreciate them.  Please comment me with your suggestions because I'm starting to doubt everyone around me.