I'll be honest, I hate having dreams that make no sense.   Let me explain:

This morning, just before my son woke me, i was having this dream that felt so real.  Tim & I had bought this new bed for ourselves, and I was trying to put it together.  I needed help and for some reason Tim refused to help me.  For some reason, Zack showed up at our house, and for a reason only known to God, Tim asked him to help me put the bed together, even though i was extremly against it.  So Zack agreed and followed me upstairs to assist me in putting my new bed together.  After a few moments of silence, because I was giving him the silent treatment, he decided that he would try to start the conversation with me, which is actually very rare for him.   I still refused to reply to his desperate attempt to make a conversation, and finally he asked the question, "are you pissed at me for something?"  DUH!!!  And with that i replied , "you do remember your ex-girlfriend Breann right?"  "Yea, from back in highschool, but you knew we dated, so why are you pissed at me for that?"  "i'm not mad at you for dating her, i'm furious with you because you raped her!! "  And with that i saw his face go from curious to furious and and hurt at the same time.  I was trying to understand why he had the look of a sad puppy when he finally responded, "i never raped her, and i'm extremely sorry that you actually believe that."   He went on to explain his side of the story by saying that she slept with 3 of his best friends and that's why they broke up, but he never raped her, she's just some ex-girlfried out for revenge.  (Now while i do know girls who hate their exes enough to tell stories that are not exactly true,  I don't believe that Breann is that kind of girl, however we're not the best of friends, and i don't know her all that well, but she is a person who i consider a friend, and i honestly don't think she's the type of girl who would do that.  Plus the fact that with Zack i know that the majority of the words that come out of his mouth are nothing but lies.)  Zack then said something (i don't remember exactly what it was) but to which i responded, "you're incapable of love" and with that he replied, "that's not true, i loved a girl once, but she chose another man instead of me.  And i think we both no who that girl is."  "Zack i'm not playing stupid games with you again, it's ridiculous, it's all mind games with you." i said as i screwed the last bolt into the bed, "It's not a mind game Elizabeth, i loved you i really did, and in fact i still do" he said as we put the mattress onto the bed.  I felt my legs give out as i heard these words and i fell onto the bed, he came and sat beside me, and was about to kiss me when Tim walked into the room (i suppose to check on us) and that's when my son woke up.

Now see this dream makes no sense to me... I'm not sure if there is suppossed to be a meaning or not, but i do see parrallels between this and my real life.   Tim & i are infact planning on getting ourselves a new bed this week, but he's going to be the one to help me put it together, and i KNOW for a fact that he would NEVER allow Zack into our house, let alone, upstairs in our bedroom with me.. (it has nothing to do with trusting me, because he does, he just doesn't trust Zack, and of course he HATES Zack with a seething passion).....  Another thing is that i am curently writing a new book, based on this past month and me finally learning what Zack did to Breann (it's my way of moving past it), and last night i was trying to do my characterization of Damien (who is based around Zack) and when i got to the question about Heart/Love, and i remembered that Zack had said he truly loved a girl once, and claimed that it was me.   And of course, Zack has always maintained his innocence where Breann is concerened.... 

Anyways, my point is, that this dream makes no sense to me, maybe it's not suppossed to, maybe it's just so many things that i've had on my mind finally coming together in my subconcious state.  Recardless, i fiigured that i needed to write about it, to see what others thought, maybe it was suppossed to mean something, and i just haven't figured out what that is yet....

MY SWEET REVENGE

I'm the ghost in your dreams

I'll haunt you in your sleep

I'm the one your nightmares are about

I'm the one that will get you down.

I'll be the shiver down you're spine

I'll be the reason every invitation you decline.

I'll be the one to make your life a living hell

I'll be the secret you'll never be able to tell.

When you feel someone standing behind you

It'll be me haunting your ever move.

The breath you feel on your skin

Will be the spirit of me deep within.

You'll feel my breath, feel my touch

You'll be missing me way to much!

I'll never be there when you turn around

You'll feel something crazy going down.

I'm there and then I'm gone

I'll disappear just before the light of dawn

You're life will be a living hell thanks to me

In you're mind I'll always be.

Do you really want to fuck with me? Cause I have all the ammunition I need to blow your pretty little life right out of the water. Think about it, cause when the dirty laundry is aired and the shit hits the fan who's going to be standing beside you. You already pushed me away, and now I know the truth about you, the truth you wanted no one to know. I know exactly what kind of monster you really are, do you really think that people are going to stand beside you when the truth is revealed. You're insane if you do.

Are you willing to risk losing everyone you love and care about for a battle with me? Oh wait, you don't love anyone, except for yourself and your precious truck. When you told me that you loved me, I bet you were imagining I was your truck or that you were starring in a mirror, cause you're are incapable of loving someone. You use everyone you claim to love (especially the women) only to get what you want. You're manipulative, but mind games will no longer work on me, you sex obsessed pig.  The games you play of trying to steal my friends, in hopes of now going after them cause you're done using me, and having your friends call me to check up on me, all so you can stay in my life, it's done and over. I'm tired of it and I'm through playing nice. I've now got the ammunition and I know damn well how to pull the trigger.

Think this through before you make the decision to go to war with me. Cause this is one war, where you will never win. Cause I have the ammunition and the power that is needed to when the war. I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut and taking your stupid shit for fear of pissing you off, never knowing what you may do. But I'm not afraid of you or what you "may" do anymore. Bring it on. I know how to defend myself against you and anything else you throw my way. I'm not sitting here in the dark like a scared little girl, instead I'm waiting for the battle to begin. Cause when it does, carnage is all that will be left of you when I'm done. So let's go, give me your best shot, you know where to find me.

You really wanna fuck with me, fine, game on.

You really want to go to war with me

Cause honey losing is all you'll ever see.

You'll never get into my mind

Cause I'll beat you every time.

You may get under my skin

Every now and again

But you ain't gonna beat me

This is war where a winner you will never be.

Better think twice about this

Cause I'll never let you see a moment of bliss

Just as you wish for me, I can make you're life a living hell

When the truth I will tell.

So pack you're A game and all your guns

It's time to head out on the run.

I'm ready and waiting to do battle with you

Cause this time I've got the ammunition to finish you.

I pull the trigger

There goes the bullet

To late to take back and run

The war's already begun.

So i know i've been gone for a while, but i've been trying to work through things, trying to forget things, as i'm sure many of you can relate..   So anyways, I'm doing good, better, i can't forget, at least not yet (hopefully someday though), but I'm moving forward...  I'm still wondering whether or not i should post my last few poems on my myspace page (cause if i do, then chances are he's going to read it, which doesn't really bother me, infact i kinda want him to, so that he knows that i and everyone else know exactly what kind of monster he is and what he done to those girls) but at the same time, i'm not sure if it would be a smart decision. 

In other news, but kinda related, i've dyed my hair again!  My natural color is DARK brown, i've had it red, and most recently it was blond, but now it's black w/ red highlights (which sometimes looks purple if the sunlight hits it just right LOL)...  I like it, and my husband loves it.. He says it's the next best color besides my natural color (he really didn't like the blond)...  I dyed as part of my "forgetting the pain & past" phase, or whatever you want to call it. I just want to move on and forget that Zack ever existed, and if by some chance he finds this page and reads these words (if i don't post my poems on my myspace page) then i hope he knows that this time i mean it....  I haven't had any contact with him since i learned the truth (except for telling him to leave me the hell alone), and i want to keep it that way....

 So i'm finally getting back to writing, today i wrote my first poem in almost a month....  It's kinda a tribute to my hubby Tim, and how he's always saving me (mostly from myself, and my own inner demons, but from the outside fears as well.)...  We've had a lot of squabbles lately, mostly over stupid stuff, and mostly my fault, but we're doing good, compromise is key to any marraige....  So anyways, here's the poem i wrote, hope you enjoy!

COME SAVE ME!!

Come save me

I'm drowning in sorrow

Wishing the pain would end today

Rather than tomorrow.

Come save me

Before the last breath is gone

I gasp and gasp

As I do my best to hold on.

Come save me

Like all the other times before

My saving grace

Help me cry no more.

Come save me

From hurt, pain, and fear

Come find me lying helpless

Please dry away my tears.

Once again I need you

Come save me

You're always rescuing me

Come save me

When does the pain stop?

When will the anger fade away?

When will I be able to forgive?

When can I just forget?

When does the pain go away?

Will I ever move past what he did to those girls?

Will I ever forget the lies he told?

Will I ever stop feeling betrayed?

When does my heart stop aching?

When will the wounds heal?

When does the pain stop?

I HATE YOU

I hate you

You raped her

Tried to rape another

And of course denied it all to me.

She's right

You wanted me as your next victim

That's why you wanted the naked pictures of me

You weren't just joking around

You were planning your next attack.

I hate you

You were right

You're not just a sex-obsessed jackass,

You're also a rapist

You cold-hearted sick son of a bitch.

To believe I actually loved you

And I cared for you

Thought we shared a connection

Only for you to turn out to be a rapist.

What does that say about me.

I hate you!

Zack, I really hate you!

FACING THE TRUTH

Sitting on the ice cold floor

Burning a fire

In the middle of July

Throwing in another picture of him

Watching the ashes as they fly.

I tried to long to block out the truth

The sickening feeling in my stomach

I couldn't hide from anymore.

Pain I feel for the girls he raped

Pain and torture, he deserves even more.

Starring blankly into the photograph

Looking at his devious smile

The monster I once loved and cared for

Knowing he will never stand trial.

The truth came out

I was next on his list

He doesn't know when to stop

Even when she yells she doesn't want it.

Pain and fury burning inside me

Wanting him to pay for his crimes

Knowing he will never pay

More than just a couple of dimes.

The lies he told

The stupid manipulations and mind games he played

The real him

Now I see clear as day.

THE TRUTH CAME OUT

Where were you

When the truth came out?

Trying to figure out

How to spin your web of lies around.

Good luck with that

Cause there's no way around the truth

You raped her and another

One day it will come back to haunt you..

You raped her

Then had the audacity to blame her for your break up.

The truth is coming out

And I guess you're shit out of luck.

She was my friend

How could you do that her.

Everything I ever I felt for you

Is now a complete blur.

I once loved you

Only to find you're a rapist

I'm so furious with you

I want to forget you exist.

Now I know what you did to her

The truth I can never forget.

I told her about us

She's afraid I'm your next target

I'm not about be your next victim

And I refuse to be controlled by you.

I hate you for doing that to her

Now everyone will know what is true.

You will burn in hell

You sick son of bitch

It wouldn't take me much to destroy you

Just a flip of the ignition switch.

Only a coward could hurt a woman like that

And then pretend that what he did was okay

Because to you she wanted it

Or that's what you will say.

You say you really loved me

That's just another one of your lies

You're cold-hearted and incapable of love

The love I had for you now dies.

You did it

There's no way around that

You good for nothing jerk

What you did is nothing to laugh at.

For thinking you could do it me

This is me wishing pain upon you

For everything you did to her

Torture I wish for you.

You're not worth

The ink it takes to write these words

You sick son of a bitch

I hate you for doing what you did to her.

I hate him... I'm really going to be sick thinking about this....  A while back my brother told me that Zack raped a friend of ours when they were going out...  I tried to pretend my brother was lying because he just hated Zack... But it's really been bothering me, i've had this sickening feeling that something was so wrong about him.. so i contacted the girl (who now lives in South Carolina) and i told her that Zack and I were friends, and wanted to know if what my brother said was true....GOD, that sick son of bitch, he raped my friend, and then had the audacity to lie to me about when i asked him... She told me everything, including how a while after he raped her he tried to rape another friend of hers.  God, she should have never went through that, and to think I actually loved and cared for a rapist... I hate him, how could he do that to her...Why did i ever care for him.... She said she's over it now, and i think that's great for her, but i just realized that i trust the wrong people.... But then that does tell me a lot about his character and why he uses me...... He's a rapist, and he's gonna get what he wants one way or another.... I hate him for hurting my friend...  I hope you rott in hell you sick son of a bitch...

So i was writing this for my dream journal entry, and i thought i'd post it on here to see if you all have any opinions....

Ok, so maybe this doesn't techniclaly qualify as a dream, but it's defitintly got me thinking..

I was realxing in the recliner when i dozed off.  Ty (my son) woke me up, and and i closed my eyes again, i saw my myspace page.  I saw myself scrolling down to see that Zack was online, then i heard a voice in my head telling me to get online.  So i opened my eyes, a little freaked out, and logged onto the computer.  When i logged into my myspace page, not only did i find that Zack was indeed online, but that he had also left a message for me. 

This isn't the first time i've experienced something like this, but this is the strongest one i've ever had. I'm not even sure what it is.  I mean most of these visions or messages (or whatever it is they're called) have to do with something related to Zack so i've wondered if it's a connection i share with him (i mean i've always felt like there was a connection between us, is this just more proof?)....... But at the same time, not ALL of them are related to Zack... UGH!  It's sorta freaking me out because i really don't understand what's going on... Any one with any advice?

I first want to thank everyone for their support over the past couple of weeks, it's really been a hard time for me.  I finally realized that I never dealt with the trhings that happened to me, instead I just locked it up inside, and finally last week it exploded.  So I realized (thanks to the support i got here) that i need to seek some source of help and deal with things so that i can put it in the past and move on, and that's exactly what i've been doing.  I've been talking things through and keeping a dream journal, essentially when i have a dream i write down every detail i can remember then i talk about it the next day, to try and get a better understanding of things.  And it's not just about the nightmares, it's all my dreams, and it's really helping (considering it's only been 2days).  I'm learning a lot about myself from my dream journal that i didn't even realize i was hiding in my subconsious. 

First thing I've done is to realize that Tim really is extremely sorry for what he did to me a couple of months ago, and I have forgiven him for that, even though i haven't quite moved on from that yet.  I do realize that it's going to take a while to trust him again, it's not going to happen overnight, but I do know how sorry he is, and I'm working on it and he's helping me...

For the guys who molested me and beat me, i know they will never regret or be sorry for what they did, and there's no point in me seeking an apology from them.  I have to somehow find a way to just forget it, although i know that this may never happen, i hope to get to a point to where i'm not afraid to be at home alone at night and i'm not afraid to be out by myself at night.  I hope to get to a point to where it doesn't bother me as much as it has this past week.  I don't want to just lock it up again and pretend that it never happened, i want to deal with it and honestly moved forward.

As far as what Zack did to me, using me and abandoning me when i needed him more than ever, I have yet to ask him why.  My therapist seems to think that this would be a wise idea because she says it seems to appear that i am more upset with him, than with the others.  She said the others i seem to be angry with and afraid of, but with Zack i'm deeply hurt and upset, and she's right.  Zack promised that he was my friend, and that i could trust him.  So i did trust him, i believed in him, cared for him, and thought of him as my best friend only to have him use me and abandon me when i had NO ONE else on this earth to turn too.  That hurt me so much and i've never been able to forgive him for that, mostly because i've never confronted him about it.  And i'm still not sure yet that i have the courage to do so...

But nevertheless, i am doing better, i've come a LONG way over the past 2 days, yea i know 2 days isn't a lot of time, but i think (and hope) that i've made a lot of progress in the past 2 days.. Now i just have to find courage to face my demons and Zack.....

Happy Fourth of July to everyone!!!

So i started taking this online writing class yesterday in hopes of becoming a better writer and writing a better novel...  So this first lesson was about character building which i am still working on, but i need to finish before next weeks's class..  Since my character's are baised on real people (including myself) I am realizing more about myself and those around me, as i work on my character...

So anyways I hope this class does help me, in a way i think it already has.....

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY EVERYONE!!!

I want to be

Comfortably numb.

I want to forget

All the pain

The pain that I somehow brought upon myself.

I want to drink that bottle of whisky

And forget everything.

I want to forget

That I deserve

What happened to me

When I was only 15.

I want to forget

That it's somehow my fault

That a guy I only knew a few hours

Forced me to do something I didn't want to do.

But somehow I deserved it.

I want to forget

That day that another

Slung me into the wall

And beat the shit out me

But I deserved it

Because I was trying to protect my best friend

From the wrath of his evil hand.

I told you I deserved it.

I want to forget

How Z lied to me

How he promised he was my best friend

But he abandoned me when i needed him most

Because he was only using me

So that he could hopefully seduce me into his bed.

I deserve to be treated like a cheap whore

Because I believed all his foolish lies.

I want to forget

How the man who promised to always love and cherish me

And to forever protect me

Left bruises on me.

But that too was my fault

Because I started the argument that went horribly wrong

I deserved that too.

The blade on this knife

Isn't sharp enough to end the pain

But the bottle of Jim

Seems to scream out my name.

I want to be comfortably numb

I want to forget all the pain

That I obviously deserve

Because, somehow, I put myself into these situations

I have no one to blame

Except for myself

I deserve it.......

Okay, so hubby and i got into a fight this morning before he left for work about something stupid, and really unimportant...Basically I over-reacted, yet again...And while we managed to mostly work things out before he left, he said something to me, that I am still pondering on....He asked me if I was paranoid, and the truth is, he's right, i am....I am paranoid that sooner or later he's going to hurt me, it's just a matter of time...We've been together over 7 years, married for 4 of those tomorrow.  He's hurt me physically once out of those 7 years, he apologized profusly and I forgave him, yet I'm still waiting for him to hurt me again, maybe not physically, but i think he will in someway... See in the back of my mind, every man is out to hurt me one way or another, look at my track record and you'll see why i think this way....  And to be honest, i can't move past it... I'm just waiting for my hubby to hit me or use me, or something else to really hurt me.  I think I'm self-destructing my own relationship by this paranoia, but i just don't know how to move past it....  The things that have happened in the past still haunt me, even when i pretend like they don't...  I don't want to be like this, but i'm not sure how to get over this, i'm not sure how to put this behind me....  Maybe it's because i never dealt with anything, i just locked it up inside, and chose not to tell anyone or talk about it, and over time it only affected me worse.... 

I mean i really am paranoid, and it's not just with him...Mary Mary posted a song yesterday by Amy Grant and i'm the girl after she's grown up.... My husband works till after midnight, so it's about 1 or 2 in the morning before he gets home...  I can't sleep until he's home, i check my doors a million times to make sure it's locked, and everytime i hear a car door close (we live in a complex with about apaprtment 10 buildings) i'm looking out the windows to make sure that it's not someone outside my door....When i do manage to lay down to try to sleep, i'm leaving the lights on, and i sleep with a baseball bat (we don't a gun, because i'm afraid to with 2 kids in the house) and the phone (incase i need to dial 911) beside my bed....  I'm extremely paranoid...  My mother things i'm a little crazy, but it's because i've never told her ANYTHING that has happened to me, and my mother and i are extremely close (like best friends) but it's because i'm too ashamed...My mother is a devout Southern Baptist, and i just feel to ashamed to tell her what happened, i feel like everything that happened is somehow my fault, and somehow i deserve what happened to me, i mean 4 guys(including my husband and my so-called friend Zack, who claims to have loved me) have either abused me or used me in some way, so doesn't have to be my fault...

So i'm paranoid, and i have an extremely hard time trusting men.... I'm self-destructing my own marraige, by waiting for my husband to find some way to hurt me.....  God, i need help!

ME LOVING YOU

Your beautiful blue eyes

Your big strong arms around me

That dark brown hair of yours

The way you hold me tight.

Caressing your arm

The ring I placed on your finger.

Loving you

Couldn't get any easier.

You've stood by me

Through so many bad times

You support me through my dreams

And love me regardless of what maybe.

Missing you

When we spend so much time away

My heart aches

Not having you by me everyday.

I'm sorry for everything I've done in the past

But I know you love me even as time comes to pass.

When we're old, withered, and gray

I'll still be loving you, till my dying day.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU

Battered

Bruised

Molested

And used.

Feeling dirty and low

Happened so long ago.

Hurt me so bad

Still raging mad.

Lost in crowded woods

I'm damaged goods.

Feel like a cheap whore

You deserve so much more.