MIND VS. HEART

Pain and heartache

Blood gushing out

Mascara stained cheeks

Going through it all again.

Your cell rang

Decided not to answer me.

Needing you

Pretending I don't.

Hating you

Missing you.

Fuck you for abandoning me

VStill loving you.

Damning you to hell

Wishing you were here

Ping-pong ball bouncing in my mind

Praying it will get better in due time.

LOVE HIM NEVER AGAIN

Dreaming

Hurting

Missing you

Lying

Betrayal

No one to know the truth.

Your painful words and actions

Fight feelings and distractions

Wishing you were a different you.

Resisting temptations

My ridiculously low expectations

Friendship that was never really true.

You lie

You scheme

I try to believe.

Pretend

You don't matter

I'm lying to me.

You hurt me

I'd hurt him.

If I gave in

A friend

I may love

Never a gain.

This is a poem, that i have wanted to write for SO long, but i've never had the courage to write it all out, and while it is unedited, and probably not written in the best form, i've got my words down on paper...I'm posting this now before any revisions are done, because i fear that if i don't, i'll lose my courage and i'll never post it...So as you read this poem, understand that it was extremely hard for me to write these words and pray that i have the courage to edit it and publish it with the rest of my poetry in my book...Thank you!!

REAL PAIN & BAD DESICIONS

I'm writing to deal with my past

So please bare with me as you read this

For the paper will probably be tear stained red

As the memories come flooding back into my head.

My boyfriend for just a few hours

He touched me

When I didn't wanna be

For God's sake, I was only 15.

Held me in that corner of the gym

Wouldn't let me move

His lips on my neck

As he forced his hands down my pants

Me begging him to stop

Hot tears scorching my cheeks

Him insisting that I'll like it.

Screams stuck in my throat

No sound escapes my voice

Shock takes over

As I stand there motionless

Becoming numb.

Finally he stops,

Kisses my forehead

And walks away

Leaving my crying on the floor in the corner of the gym.

I thought that was worst pain I would ever feel

That was until I made yet another relationship mistake.

Fist against my face

Screaming, wishing I was some other place

Long, hard, wide, snow white walls

Hundreds of students in the halls.

Everyone watching in awe

No one believing what they saw.

My head hits the wall again

How can he call his-self my friend?

Millions of tears burn my checks

This isn't who I was supposed to meet.

The anger in his eyes

It's a storm raging in the skies

Finding it hard to breath

Does no one see?

My arms, stomach, ribs, & face are bruised

It's no use.

Make-up is no longer a disguise

Everyone sees the pain in my eyes

Man number 3

Was a perfect gentleman to me.

Years after we broke up

He promised he wanted to be my friend

Trusting him

My life I let him back in.

Only to have him play mind games and use me

Treating my like I'm some little whore

That he can come running to when he wants to score.

I care so much for him

So I find it hard to walk away

I didn't ask for him to treat me this way

To cause the pain I feel inside

To make me want to drink my problems away at night.

He uses me over and over

Ripping my heart to shreds

Rain falling from the skies

Like the tears I cry at night

He's just hoping to succeed with his plan

I'm left wanting to slit my wrists again.

The last of the men in my life

Was the one man, who made me his wife.

God , were so happy for over three years

One day, he made me shed so many tears.

Anger arose in an argument gone wrong

There I was left crying to another sad song.

He swore I could always trust him

So why did he turn out just like all of them.

Why did he leave me battered and bruised

Why do I just feel so used.

Mistake after mistake

Feeling ashamed

And yet still I let them back in

I trust in love yet again.

Knowing all I'll ever receive

Is pain and tragedy

Ignore me

Deny me

Lie to me

Blind me.

Manipulations

My ridiculous expectations.

Childish games

Who's to blame.

Keep me around

To throw me down

You're only use for me

The bedroom, maybe?

Cut me down

Throw my heart around

Slit my wrists

Your words like closed fists.

Try to walk away

Yet still here I stay

Connected to you

Still feeling blue.

The truth

To you

I'm just a game

Only myself to blame

ok, so this is a poem I just wrote for my book i mentioned earlier, only i'm not sure of the tittle yet... Right now i'm working with the tittle "OVER TIME", but i'm not sure if that really fits the poem, so if you all could please give me some ideas for a tittle for this poem, that would be GREAT!!  And i'd also like u'r feedback on this poem...THANKS!!!

Time has passed

Things have changed,

We both look different

But our insides are still the same.

Grown up & apart over the years

We've went our separate ways

We moved on

As the times have changed.

Friendship still there

No matter how we many times we've tried to walk away

Can't say goodbye forever

We know we'll be friends again someday.

Love that was once there

Still remains deep inside

Kissing our partners

Feelings we tried to hide.

Knowing we were once friends

Now he thinks I hate you

Yet here we are,

If the truth he only knew

You're mean and cruel one minute

Loving and caring the next

Still I ‘m here

But forgetting you would be best.

Try to walk away

Keep getting drawn back to you

Wish I could just forget you exist

But then again I know that's not the truth.

Time has passed

Things have changed

We both look different

But our insides are still the same.

So i met someone this afternoon, who has 2 friends that work for a big publishing company in NJ...This guy offered to get his friends to take a look at my poetry book that i've been working on.  I'm extatic!  But when i told my husband about it, his automatic first thought was that this guy was going to want something from me in return.  Now while i am aware that some people only do for others when they think that they are going to get something in return, i have to believe, that there are still people in htis world who have a good natured heart, and who are willing to help others out of the kindness of their heart.

Anyways, if this goes through, this could be my big break into getting my large poetry collection published, and i really want that.  Writing is what i do, it's who i am...It's the one thing that I KNOW i'm really good at.  So please everyone, keep your fingers crossed that everything works out!!

We'll see how it all plays out!!

THROUGH YOUR ROSE COLORED GLASSES!

I wish I was perfect

I wish I was what you see me as

But I'm not.

You see me as this beautiful sexy woman

All I see is a woman who needs improving.

You see me as strong, and intelligent

All I see is a week stupid girl.

I wanna believe

That I am all those things you believe

But I'm just not to me.

I don't see the strength and courage

That you see in me

Instead all I see are my flaws.

You say I'm perfect just the way I am

God knows I wish I could see myself

The way you see me

I'd like to see myself

Through your rose colored glasses.

IMPENDING DOOM

I see our love slipping away

I see our marriage nearing it's impending doom.

And yet I'm still the only one

Sitting here in our not so empty room.

You've checked out

Like our marriage is some sort of hotel

Left me to pick up the pieces

Of this unfortunate hell.

You don't see the problems that we have

Or maybe you just stopped caring about what happens to us

Either way

Try to save us, I feel I must.

When was the last time

You wiped away my tears

Can you remember the last time

You really cared about my fears.

I don't.

I don't remember the last time you held me while I cried

I don't remember

The last time you honestly tried.

Every time we fight

You sit there quite and expect it all to be okay

I'm left crying alone in our room

Hoping today will be the day

When you'll actually show me that you care

But you never even dare.

This will probably make you mad

And I'll end up

Staying as always, sad.

But I feel as if our marriage

Is standing on it's last leg

You don't seem to care

Do I really need to beg.

I'm crying in our room

Our marriage meeting the impending doom.

MY FURIOUS RANT! (explicit language)

Who do you really think I am?

It's become obvious, you really don't give a damn.

How dare you to have the audacity

I am furious beyond my normal capacity.

You really think I'm going to let you see me bare

Don't you even dare

Try to blame me for the words I may have said

All because you want in my bed.

It's not my fault you're a sex-obsessed jackass

I see you perfectly clear through this window glass.

I'm not your stupid blond bimbo, my-space whore

I don't deserve this anymore.

I'm not like all of your other girls

I don't care what you think of me

Just know that me naked you will never see.

You try to cut me down

Make me feel like I'm nothing but a dirty ho

Oh, but boy don't you know

That I'm so much better than you

Maybe you're just too blind to see the truth.

Every time you try to talk to me

It's always about the same old thing.

You bring out your mind games and manipulations

Tearing down my already low expectations.

I want so bad to believe things will change

But you will always remain the same.

You want me to be your stupid little whore

But I'm not taking it anymore.

I've got some advice for you

I no longer care what you say or do,

So you can go fuck yourself

On your way down to hell.

FIGHTING THE URGE

I'm trying to fight

The urge to answer

Everytime you call.

Trying to fight

The urge to reach out for your hand

Before I break down and fall.

Because I know

You'll only pull me down

I know you'll only take advantage of me

Make me fall until I hit the ground.

I know you'll only use me

And hurt me again and again.

I resisting the urge

To say I forgive you all over again.

I‘m fighting the urge

Even though I'm scared

That I may want too.

I wanna talk to you

But I know exactly what you will do.

So I've gotta fight the urge

To answer when you call

I've got to continue to walk away

Never look back

Once and for all.

This is a song, that describes the way I'm feeling about an old friend...I'm done caring, so you can blame it all on me...

LACRYMOSA BY: EVANESCENCE

Out on your own
cold and alone again
can this be what you really wanted, baby?

Blame it on me
set your guilt free
nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
I feel like myself again
grieving the things I can't repair and willing ...

to let you blame it on me
and set your guilt free
I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
not this time, I wont lie to keep you near me
and in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up
my love wasn't enough

and you can blame it on me
just set your guilt free, honey
I don't want to hold you back now love

This is a wonderful song, with awesome lyrics!!

FORGIVE ME BY: EVANESCENCE

can you forgive me again?
i don't know what i said
but i didn't mean to hurt you

i heard the words come out
i thought that i would die
it hurts so much to hurt you
then you were mad at me
you're not shouting anymore
you're silently...broken
i'd give anything now
to kill those words for you
each time i say something i regret
i cry, i don't wanna lose you
but somehow i know that you will never
leave me...yeah

'cause you were made for me
somehow i'll make you see
how happy you make me...oh
i can't live this life
without you by my side
i need you to survive
so stay...with me
you look in my eyes
and i'm screaming inside
that i'm suffering

will you forgive me again?
you're my one true friend
and i never meant to hurt you

LOVE THIS SONG!! 

IT WASN'T ENOUGH BY: GOOD CHARLOTTE

It wasn't enough (3x)

I would try to believe in the things I cannot see,
But my faith is shaken now like it's never been before.
When I call, you don't come.
I don't knos what I should do.
Should I call; should I even count on you?

I've given all I can,
It wasn't enough
To keep you in my hands,
Should I give up?
Try to understand,
Was it ever enough?
I don't understand.

So here I am, once again with my back against the wall,
Afraid to show you, afraid to tell you that I don't know you like I did.
I've never been so alone
I've never felt so insecure
And now I don't know where I'm going
In my life I'm not so sure

I've given all I can,
It wasn't enough
To keep you in my hands,
Should I give up?
Try to understand,
Was it ever enough?
I don't understand.

Giving up tonight,
I wanna show, wanna show you.
Giving up tonight
I won't let go, won't let go of you.
Giving up tonight.
Am I giving up, giving up?

I've given all I can,
It wasn't enough
To keep you in my hands,
Should I give up?
Try to understand,
Was it ever enough?
I don't understand.

Everything you want from me,
I've fought so hard for everything.
Everything you want from me,
I've tried so hard, can never be
Anything you want from me (3x),
I've given up.

I CAN DO BETTER

BY: AVRIL LAVIGNE

Uh, yeah you can do it...
(laughs)

I couldn't give a damn what you say to me
I don't really care what you think of me
'Cause either way you're gonna think what you believe
There's nothing you could say that would hurt me
I'm better off without you anyway
I thought it would be hard but I'm okay
I don't need you if you're gonna be that way
'Cause with me, it's all or nothing

I'm sick of this shit
Don't deny
You're a waste of time
I'm sick of this shit
Don't ask why

I hate you now
So go away from me
You're gone
So long
I can do better
I can do better
Hey, hey you
I found myself again
That's why
Goodbye
I can do better
I can do better

You're so full of shit
I can't stand the way you act
Like you just can't comprehend
I don't think that you can handle it
I'm way over, over it
I will drink as much Limoncello as I can
And I'll do it again and again
I don't really care what you have to say
'Cause you know, you know you're nothing

(I'm so sick)
I'm sick of your shit
Don't deny
You're a waste of time
I'm sick of your shit
Don't ask why

I hate you now
So go away from me
You're gone
So long
I can do better
I can do better
Hey, hey you
I found myself again
That's why
Goodbye
I can do better
I can do better

What'd you say?
I told you so
You know that 'cause I always know
Get outta of my face
Hey hey
You're not my taste
Hey Hey
I am so sick of you
You're on my nerves
I want to puke
Get outta my face
Hey Hey
You're not my taste
Hey hey, hey hey

(Chorus 2x)

I don't give a damn

By: Avril Lavigne

Every time you go away
It actually kinda makes my day
Every time you leave, you slam the door
You pick your words so carefully
You hate to think you're hurting me
You leave me laughing on the floor cause...

I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that
You know I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that
You know I'm not gonna cry
About some stupid guy
A guy who thinks he's all that

I thought we were just hanging out
So why'd you kiss me on the mouth
You thought the way you'd taste
Would get me high
You went to all your friends to brag
Guys are always such a drag
Don't you know the reason that I kissed you
Was to say goodbye

Cause I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that
You know I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that
You know I'm not gonna cry
About some stupid guy
A guy who thinks he's all that

Hanging, hanging out
I am simply hanging, hanging out
I am simply hanging
So why'd you kiss me on the mouth
Don't you know that I...

I don't give a damn about you
I won't give it up now for you
I don't give a damn about you
I won't give it up now for you
I'm not gonna cry about some stupid guy
A guy who thinks he's all that

I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that
You know I don't give it up
I don't give a damn
What you say about that...
(Repeat to fade)

Here you come again

Trying to get your foot back in the door

Hoping that I'm willing to put up with even more.

But I'm to tired to fight

It's become easier to just say goodbye.

I would love to believe this time

Nothing will be the same

Hoping this time it's not just a game.

But I know in my mind

That it's just like last time

And if I let you in

You'll only hurt me again.

I would love to keep you in my life

But all you do

Is continue to bring me misery & strife.

So take your lies

Take your fake ass apologies

I'm not taking your shit anymore.

So walk back out the door

Just like all the times before,

You got pretty damn good at that!

The directions to your destination read as follows:

Go straight to hell.

Do not pass go

Do not collect on her

So get back in your truck

Hit the road

Follow on with your path

Of going to hell.

I'm so tired

And I'm not just talking sleepy tired,

Although I am that too..

I'm tired of stupid, ridiculous people

Who want to play stupid, childish games.

I'm tired of the mind games

And the stupid manipulations.

I'm tired of my own expectations

For people to change.

I'm tired of you!

It's the same old thing over and over with you

So why in hell

Do you think you deserve another change.

Why do you think

I should consider you my friend?

I'm tired of you.

I'm tired of the way you act

The way you use me

To achieve your own agendas.

I'm tired of your stupid games

I'm tired of you abandoning me.

I'm so tired of you.

My eyes are becoming increasingly heavy

As the pain and furry

Take it's toll on my tired and worn body.

The only thing I have left to say to you

Is just to tell you

How sick and tired

I truly am of you!

My little man on his graduation day!!!

This is my princess....Isn't she georgous.....everyone says she looks just like me, but i think she looks better!!!!!

So I finally got my new camera!!! :) Yeah!  So I thought I would post a pic of my new look!!! 

This is with my heart straight!!!

This is with my heart scrunched!!!!

>Author unknown

You can only have one Mother,
>Patient, kind and true;
>No other friend in all the world,
>Will be the same to you.
>
>When other friends forsake you,
>To Mother you will turn,
>For all her loving kindness'
>She asks nothing in return.
>
>As we look upon her picture,
>Sweet memories we recall,
>Of a face so full of sunshine,
>And a smile for one and all.
>
>Sweet Jesus, take this message,
>To our dear Mother up above;
>Tell her how we miss her,
>And give her all our "Love".

I'm a Bitch  By: Meredith Brooks

I hate the world today
You're so into me, I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe,
I'm an angel underneath, innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relived to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything, all rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothin' in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am, this may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assure that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm goin' to extremes, tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you got me figured out
The seasons already changin'
I think it's cool, you do what you do
and don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease , I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer,
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived, can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I'm sitting here

In this big house of ours

Surrounded by our children

Yet all alone.

I miss you,

I miss my husband

My best friend

The one I count on day and night

To hold my hand.

Even though you're not that far away

It seems like a thousand miles seperate us.

All this work

And no play

Is making it all

A little to strange.

I need you come home to me

I need you to sleep one night

Beside me in our bed.

I miss you

I want you.

I love you.

So today I'm home!!!  I finished my client's home yesterday, so today I am trying to give my house the much needed spring/summer cleaning that it deserves!!  But I was just checking out some different websites, and I happened along this article about mothers....Now is it me, or does society expect so much of us mothers these days...It seems like nothing we ever do is ever going to be good enough...If we are a stay at home mom, there's a part of society that looks at us as if we should be doing something more...But if we are working mothers, there is another part of society that says we should be at home with our children....

For the most part, I am a stay at home mom, except for about the 6 weeks a year that I chose to work, when a really good job offer comes along.  But some moms choose to work all the time, or they have to work full time to support their children...Society shouldn't critisize them for this, just like they shouldn't look down upon stay at home moms...We're mom's what we do is important, whether we're stay at home moms, or working moms, we are still moms, and for the most part, most of us are damn good moms....

For the past few months, I feel as if I am a single parent, even though I'm not...But since my husband has been leaving the house at 9:00 in the morning and not getting home till 1:00 in the morning, 6 to 7 days a week, because of his job, I feel like I am raising our two children on our own...And I practically am...I have become both mom and dad, the diciplinarian & the friend...I am doing it all, and I think it's starting to take it's toll...Honestly, I have the highest respect for single parents, I really don't see how you do it, day in and day out without your partner by your side...  I'm just doing the best I can, and hoping that's good enough....

What bothers me the most, is people who look at stay at home mothers, as if what we do isn't enough, they act as if it's nothing to stay home all day...Nothing!  Let me tell you something, stay at home mothers have a tougher job than some men I know...We spend our days, taking care of your children, running all day to soccer practices & dance recitals, paying the bills, cleaning your hourse, fixing your dinner, and then you say we do nothing all day long....I challenge any man who thinks his wife does nothing all day to walk one day in her shoes....  I asked my husband one day, if he would want to trade places with me, for just one day...He immediately declined...Luckily for me, he knows what I do all day, but some men don't realize just how much their lives would fall apart without the wives...  After all, we are the presidents of your households, we're there 24 hours a day 7 days a week making sure things are running on schedule....

My point is, we're all mothers and wives...We're not super-moms like you expect us to be, but we're trying pretty damn hard...So just give us credit where credit is do, and every now and then, ask us how OUR day was, and maybe ask us if we need some time off...Afterall, we don't get breaks & vacations like you do, our job is never-ending...Think about that before you say we do nothing...

Bu-bye Zack

You screwed up

A few too many times

Proving once and for all

That you are only a fair weather friend

Or better yet,

Not even a friend at all.

I do deserve better than you

And all the lies that you made me believe

But it's over

And now as your heart is crumbling into pieces

I'm skipping happily right on out of your life

You'll remember what it feels like

To have me by your side

Having me to talk to late at night

I wont remember anything about you

Cause it will all be erased from my mind

Zack who?

So you go on missing me

Wishing you were the one next to me

And I'll be laughing & smiling

Knowing this time I'm not the one in pain

And I'm no longer playing your stupid games.

Look at me,

I'll be watching your heart break.

I'll watch you eat your heart out

And choke on it!

Bu-bye Zack!!