Dear Z

            This is a letter that you will probably never read, but that's okay.  I'm not writing this for you, I'm writing this for me, to bring myself some closure, so that I can move on, and put you so far behind me that when someone mentions your name I think Z who?  Oh yeah, I think I may have known him once.

It has become ever so apparent to me that we can no longer be friends.  Correction, I can no longer be your friend, because in order for US to be friends that would imply that you were actually a friend to me, and we both know that you have never been a friend to me. 

You promised me that I could turn to you, that you would be there for me when I needed you, and if ever anyone ever hurt me you would pick me up take care of me, and protect me from anymore pain.  But when I needed you, after being hurt, you hurt me even more by turning your back on me.  You didn't care when I got hurt, and to be truthful with you, you hurt me than the other person did.

Granted I have made some mistakes since we first met four years ago, but I thought we had moved past that and become friends again.  You, yourself, said that we had moved on.  So what I wonder is why you would hurt me.  Here's what I think:  I think you used me back then, just like you used me now.  You made me believe that you actually cared for me, and back then you made me believe that you loved me.  But now I know better.  Now I know that you never loved me, hell you never even cared about me did you?  Let's get real, all I ever was to you was a piece of ass that in your own words wanted to tap.  Well guess what, you are NOT going to get any where near tapping this ass.

I can't believe I was so stupid to believe you actually cared about me.  God, I knew better, everyone warned me against you, so why then did I make the same mistake again?   I don't know, but shame on you for fooling me.  Here's what I really don't understand, why you find it amusing to hurt me?  Why do you want to betray me?

 Oh by the way, I hope that you get everything you've got coming to you.  I've tried before to walk away from you, but I couldn't because I thought we had a friendship that was worth fighting for, but see, now I realize that this friendship was all in my head, because you were never really my friend. 

I needed you once, once in four years.  What did you do?  Nothing, because you simply don't care.  Thank God I wasn't dying, because you would probably just let me die.  Yes that may be a little harsh, but you know I'm right. 

Z I want to say that I hate you, but I don't.  I don't hate anyone, not even my worst enemy.  But right now, I honestly can't stand you. You did something that you swore you never would and that was hurt me when you couldn't show enough compassion to care for someone who needed you to lend a shoulder.  But that's okay, because I no longer what your shoulder to lean on, as a matter of fact I don't want anything from you.  I don't want to be your friend, I don't want you in my life.  Everyone who warned me against you was right.  You most definitely are a self-obsessed, sex-infatuated jackass.  So here's my final words to you, go find someone else to string along, and while your at it, f**k off.......

Goodbye A**hole...

I finally got the courage to say what's been on my mind to T.  He admitted that he was wrong and apologized for hurting me.  (I want to restate that he never hit me, he grabbed my arm so hard and held it so tight that he bruised it.  But I know from past experiences that this type of behavior only escalates to more violent behavior.)  Anyways, I told him that I wasn't willing to stick around to get beaten.  So he swore on our children's lives that it would never happen again, and he's going to get help.  I told him I'd give him another chance but if I see ANYTHING like that again I'm out.

I don't know the man that hurt me the other night.  I was looking into his eyes and all I could see was coldness & anger.  That's not the man I married or the man I see before me today.  In a way it's like I'm married to 2 different people.  I just pray that we can make this work.

Now for my second problem.....Letting go of someone who I've cared very deeply for, for so long & I thought he was my friend.  But I'm now learning he is just a liar and a user.  He uses people to get what he wants, and to him I was just someone he could use.  When I needed him more than I've ever needed anyone he couldn't be bothered to care.  And that hurt me more and the wound is so much deeper than any physical scars or bruises I've ever had.  I thought we were friends, and I thought I could trust him, I thought cared.  But I was stupid for believing in him.   Now I know he never really cared and it's time for me to say goodbye.  I just hope I can find the courage and the strength to tell him EVERYTHING I want to say.

For a Friend, That Never Really Was!

You promised me that when I needed you would be there for me.

You swore to me that you would always have my back.

You lied and said that I could turn to you

When I needed you to lend a shoulder for me to cry.

Now in my moment of need

Where are you

No where to be found.

Finally I email you what happened to me

But when you read it,

You really didn't care.

Let's face it

I thought you were my friend

But you never had my back.

You were never there for me the way I have always been there for you.

You hurt me just as bad as he did

But in a different way.

He may have done the physical scarring

But you done the emotional ones.

You weren't there when I needed your help.

I'm so stupid for believing you

I knew better

And as tears stream down my face

I have this final realization

I have finally realized what deep down I have known all along

And that's that you were not really my friend after all.

Okay, here's what I want to say to you Z, and now I'm going to say it.

I used to love you, but I don't anymore

I used to think we could be friends

But today I realized one thing

And that is that being friends with you would be a one sided thing

Let's face it, you don't give a fuck about me

If you did, you would have been there for me when I needed you the most.

I care deeply for you

But you could care less for me

So today I'm moving on

I'm through with you

And I don't give a shit if we ever talk again

Here's too the past and that's were this friendship will remain.

As for you T

I love you deeply

But when you put your hands on me last night

You crossed a line

A line that you can never go back

This isn't the first time

And I'm beginning to doubt that it will be the last

So I'm making the choice that I'm through

I will not stand for this

I'm through with being man-handled and manipulated.

If you love me as much as you say you do

Then you will just let me go, and seek the help you need.

I guess what I'm trying to say

Is that as of today

I'm through with the both of you

I don't care what in the hell either of you do

Just stay away from me and leave me alone.

Pain is shooting down my arm from where he hurt me only two hours ago. 

At times the pain becomes almost unbearable.

He says he's sorry for the pain he caused me.

I might believe him, but this isn't the first time, nor is it just the second.

It seems like anymore when he gets mad

He has to get violent.

His strength is over powering.

He's not beating me,

But the way he grabs me hurts all the same.

Every time we fight it seems to get worse.

I'm not sure what to do.

I love him, I really do.

I've been down this road before with another guy

I wouldn't stand for it then,

So why am I now?

Maybe it's because I'm married,

Maybe it's because I really love him.

All I know is that I do love him

But when he says he's sorry for hurting me,

I believe he is, but I don't forgive him.

I know that chances are he'll do it again.

I know he loves me

But I'm scared of him becoming even more violent.

I honestly don't know what to do.

Tell me, what do I do?

Give me a chance to say these words

Never before have they been heard.

The pain you cause me

Rips my heart to shreds

LIke torn pieces of paper strewn across our bed.

I understand your side of things

I just wish you could understand mine.

I tried to explain it all to you

But you said you just didn't have the time.

So i'm left laying here on our bed

Tears burning my cheeks and pillows

As I think about the words that weren't said

Pieces of my heart crash on the floor.

Pain is all I'm left feeling

As I piece my heart back together

Give me a one chance to say these things

Let me release them from my mind

Maybe then we can move forward in time...

I should hate him

I should run

Get away from him as fast as I can

But I can't seem to move

From the seat where my butt seems to be glued...

I should reconsider being here with him

I know this situation just can't be right

It should feel so wrong

But at this moment in time

I just can't seem to change my mind.

If the truth came out

There would be so much pain

I realize that these feeling probably are not reciprocated

I know that he just wants what is here and now

But I can't help hoping for some how....

He and I just aren't right

But at the same time we're not completely wrong.

In some way we fit together

But at the same time, we're not a whole complete

This is one time, when my mind feels the defeat.

So here I sit wondering why I can't leave

I know that he's not good for me

But still I find myself drawn to him

I want to get up and walk away

But I'm afraid if I do, I'll never hear what I want him to say..

Sitting here, I'm waiting

For him to tell me the truth

Just answer the questions that I need for closure

So then maybe I can move on and let him go

But at the same time, I'm not sure I want to know.

I'm afraid of the pain

Afraid of the heartache that I may feel

I want to know the truth

But at the same time I'm scared as hell

Now I hear the ringing of my cell.

I can't move to answer the phone

So still I sit beside him

Looking into his eyes

Not knowing what he'll say

I'm just hoping everything will be okay.

Okay, it's time to be strong

Find the courage to say what I feel

Time to ask the questions so that he can answer them

Then I've got to get up off my ass and walk away

No matter what he has to say.....

She sits on her couch, starring into the sunlight shinning in through the windows.

She can't help but think of him,

She tries hard not to, but every song that plays on the radio reminds her of him.

She wished she could just walk away and never look back

But she knows the truth

She knows that deep down, she will never be able to,

Mostly because she doesn't want to.

She wants him in her life forever

But she knows that's not possible

She knows that eventually it will end

Just like it did before

Maybe they'll find themselves back to one another

They have in the past.

Or maybe they wont. 

Who really knows.

She needs to put him in the past where he belongs

She shouldn't have these thoughts for him

But these thoughts are so ever present in her mind.

She's torn in two..

Her mind is yelling for her to do the right thing

Push him so far away that they could never undo the pain that she would cause.

But her heart is begging her to do what she knows is wrong.

It's begging her to hang in there with him,

To see where this forbidden friendship could go..

She's tried so hard to push him out of her heart and her head

But he's got a hold on her and he refuses to let go..

How does he feel?

Who knows?

The only thing she knows is how she feels.

These torn feelings she's having are about to kill her..

Maybe she should commit herself because right now she feels crazy..

Two men, and she's stuck in the middle..

One her husband she loves

The other her friend, that she can't let go.

They're just friends, friends alone,

But they were once more

That's why it's so wrong

She knows what being friends with him leads to.

But h]onestly, she knows she'll never be able to let him go.....

If you knew

The things i thought for you

If you could find me in this dark cold world

would you come and find this broken hearted girl?

Sometimes i sit and think

when i really don't want to

but try as i may, these thoughts in my head

Always keep drifting back to you.

i don't want to have these thoughts

I don't want to feel these things

The pain in my heart ain't right

Sometimes i just want the blood from my wrist to sing.

If you knew

The things i thought for you

If you could find me in this dark cold world

would you come and find this broken hearted girl?

The way you make me feel

Pain in my heart is just to real

No i don't wanna hear what you have to say

So i try to walk away

But i keep getting pulled back to you

To myself i can't be true

i need to say goodbye

But everytime i do, i begin to cry.

If you knew

The things i thought for you

If you could find me in this dark cold world

would you come and find this broken hearted girl?

If you knew

The things i thought for you

If you could find me in this dark cold world

would you come and find this broken hearted girl?

Please come find this broken hearted girl.........

Okay i can't take it anymore.....I have something that needs to be said, so i'm just going to say it............  I'm tired of feeling manipulated and lied to, so this is what i want to say to someone i care about, although i'm not sure if i have the courage to say it to him........

I care so deeply about you and i have for the last four years, but i'm starting to learn that you don't have those same feelings for me.  I'm honestly starting to believe that you don't care about me the same way that i care about you.....  I miss my best friend, i miss the man that i could once turn to, but you're not him anymore, you are now someone else....Maybe you have always been this person, maybe i just didn't want to believe it.  Maybe you have always been this good for nothing sex obsessed jerk.....  Maybe all you have ever wanted from me has been sex....I don't know anymore....I don't know who you are, I don't even know who i am....I want to turn to you, but i don't know if i can trust you, i don't know if you're being honest with me..........

 I guess what i'm trying to say is that no matter how much i care for you, i need you to be completley honest with me, or we can never be friends.................

I don't want these thoughts

It's crazy the way i fell

I hate feeling this way

The pain i just to real.

I cna't move on without knowing the truth

My heart is breaking all over again

why does it even matter

why can't this be the end.

I need to let you go

but i can't turn away

i don't want to feel like this

it makes me so afraid.

iI know these feelings are not recipricated

my heart breaks thinking you never truly loved me

i wonder if it's true

the pain i have you will never see.

i loved you once

we tried to be friends

But feelings arose

i just can't do this again.

The pain is to real

i cna't go on wondering if you ever loved me

i have to say good-bye once and for all

then deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Please don't pass judge me for the things I may write, because I know the way i feel is wrong.  I 'm just looking for advice.....  Here's my problem.......

I'm married to a good man, who I love....Before we married I met another man, who i became instant friends with, we were like best friends...Weeks passed and i fell in love with this man....I was honest with my husband and i told him about my feelings, we took a break so i could sort things through.  But my husband didn't trust me to choose him, instead he lied to me about the other guy knowing that i would be furious with the other man.  He was right, and in the end i chose my husband and pushed the other man as far out of my life as i possibly could.....I married my husband, and years passed before i learned the truth.......I was mad at him for causing me to loose a very good friend.  Well about 3 months ago i found my lost friend on my space, and we've been reconnecting ever since, just as friends......Here's were my problem comes in: I'm starting to think about him way too much, i don't want to, i don't want to feel things for him, but i sorta do.....I want to move past these feelings while still remaining friends with him.....but i don't feel that i can move on without knowing how he truly felt about me in the past...I have so many unanswered questions, and i just can't help thinking about him....I know i'm wrong for having these feelings, but i'm not sure how to move on without answers..... Any advice would be welcomed....

hey everyone, i just wanted to let you all know that the reason i haven't been writing over the past week or so is that i have been moving into a new house.  But i'm finally moved in and i've almost finished unpacking everthing (thankfully), so i should be back to writing soon, so be sure to look for my next blog entry from my book.....

"Yeah, who's this?" She wasn't sure if it was the fact that she was tired or if the voice on the other end sounded vaguely familiar.
"This is Zane.  I just thought I'd call so we could talk."
"Oh, hey" She said trying to sound happy instead of tired.
"So have you got time to talk, or are you busy with your fiancé?"
"No, I can talk, he dropped me off a little while ago."
Abigail and Zane talked on the phone for about two hours that night, just getting to know one another.  They didn't really talk about anything specific, but about many things in general.  Abigail found Zane easy to talk too.  She was able to tell him things that she found hard to talk to anyone else about.  Abigail had only known Zane a few hours, and yet her gut instinct told her that he was someone that she could trust.In the weeks that passed, Abigail and Zane continued to talk to each other in class and on the phone at night.  Abigail started finding herself drawn to Zane.  It was a connection that she couldn't describe, every time she thought of Zane, she got butterflies in the pit of her stomach, it reminded her of the feelings she felt when she first met Travis. But theses feelings she was having for Zane were stronger than she'd ever felt before, she felt comfortable with Zane, more comfortable than she had with anyone else, including Travis, it was hard for her to explain even to herself.  Here she was engaged to a wonderful man, and yet another man was drawing her attention.  She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she just couldn't help herself.  Soon she found herself falling for Zane.  At this time she knew she had to tell Travis.

"If you can't get someone out of your head, then maybe they're supposed to be there"

That's a saying that I've heard many times and I even have that posted in the top right hand corner of my myspace web page.  There's another saying on my page that says

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have n ever loved at all, for love is the best thing, even if it's the love of a very good friend."  

I believe both of these phrases are true, and at the same time, for some people they tie together.  Maybe you loved and lost, and now that love is your best friend, and that's the one person you can't get out of your head. 

This is what I've based my novel on, truth be told, the first few chapters of the novel are also based on my life.  It's a wonderful story about a woman who finally finds love, she's planning her wedding only to meet a man who breaks all the rules.  She instantly shares a bond with this man, and they become very good friends who fall in love.  She chooses to marry her fiancé, and looses touch with this other man.

Years later, they find each other and try once again to become friends.  Through the years they share many experiences together.  But she never can quite get him out of her head, she loves him, and she knows she always has, but she insists on honoring her marriage vows.  She loves her husband as well, but she misses her friend. 

After many failed relationships, he finally realizes that she's his soul mate, she is the one he will always love. But he knows that he can't have her because she would never admit that she loves him.  He knows that she would always choose her husband first, and he wouldn't ask her to leave her husband, he respects her too much to put her in that situation so he keeps his feelings to himself.

Friends they will always remain leaving both always wondering if they ever could have been more.

Being a southern Baptist preacher's daughter I was expected to dress and act like a lady. As already mentioned, I wore a dress/skirt everyday, I kept my dark brown hair very long, and was taught to never curse or talk back to my elders, and I was expected to go to church every Sunday, unless I was ill..  The beliefs and values instilled in me were of good nature.  I was taught to believe in God and with Him all things are possible. But it wasn't always easy when I was being teased everyday for my parents beliefs.

 My parents tried their best with me, and personally I think I turned out okay.  My faith in God is strong, and I've managed to keep most of my parents values and beliefs.  I don't wear dresses or skirts everyday, but I do believe in God, and the Bible. 

My life wasn't always easy, and not just because I was a preacher's daughter.  I could have been anyone, and some of these things still would have happened to me.  In my freshman year of high school my life really began to take a downward spiral.

I met Kevin my first week of high school. He was a sophomore, and I kind of had a crush on him.  He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes.  I didn't really know him, but I should have.  My friends knew him and they warned me against him, but I wouldn't listen.  I had only been his girlfriend for a few hours when he grabbed my hand and led me to the hallway just behind the back of the gym.  That's the spot where everyone went to make-out.  That's what we started doing, but things quickly progressed.  As we were standing there kissing he put his hand against my chest, and began to put his other hand down my pants.  I tried to pull away and tell him to stop, but he told me to just stand still.  I tried again to pull away, but he had a strong grip on me.  When he finally let me go I ran to my next class.  I tried to avoid him the rest of the day, but he found me just before last period.  I told him that I didn't want to be around him, but he wouldn't listen.  He grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the same hallway again.  I was afraid to scream, so I basically just stood there helpless. When he let me go, I just stood there.  He kissed my head and walked away.  I fell to the floor crying and stayed there until after the bell rang. 

I went home that day, not sure what to do.  All I knew was that I no longer wanted to be his girlfriend.  So when I went back to school the next day I avoided him at all costs.  I did this for about two weeks.  Finally one day he came up to me and asked me why I had been avoiding him.  The only words I could manage to get out, was that I just didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore.  I was to cowardily to say the things i wanted to say, i wanted to yell at him for touching me after i said stop, but at the same time i felt embarrassed.

I realized that day, that if this is what guys wanted then i wasn't ready, I wasn't ready for anything like that. Kevin molested me, and I was terrified. I was 15 years old and had never been violated so much before.  I felt embarrassed to tell anyone, and terrified at the same time. 

After Kevin I stayed away from guys all together for a while.  But then I met Adam, yet another relationship mistake.

I wont go into my realtionship with Adam, for i've already wrote blogs about him, he's the ex that physically abused me after we had broken up.  But after him I feared guys, until a friend of mine introduced me to Tim, my wonderful husband.  Now we're married and have the most wonderful kids together.  I'm happy with our life, but I feel the need to write about my pain so maybe it will help someone else.  God knows i wish i would have listened when people told me to stay away from Kevin and Adam.  But i was naive, i didn't listen.  Through the years I've learned to listen to what others say.   I've also learned that it's good to talk about your pain, that's the only way you'll ever be able to truly heal, so I'm hoping now I can heal.