Oh, and the stress continues....  Took my kids to the doctor today..  My son was diagonosed with asthma a little over a month ago..  And started right away on asthma medicine...  We thought we were getting it under control when he went back 10 days later for his checkup.. At that time, we thought him & his sister were just getting head colds... Well my son's cold cleared up, but my daughter's did not, so she returned about 2 weeks ago and was put on a stronger cold medicine... At that time she had an ear infection as well, so the doctor & myself thought it was nothing more than a cold bug...  Still no help & her cold has only been getting worse & then Ty got sick again.. So today we returned to the doctor to find out that Ty (my son) is having an asthma flare up, my daughter has a throat infection, and has now been diagnosed with asthma as well...  Now both kids are on singulair (once a day at night) Pulmicort (an inhaled preventive medicine given in the morning and at night) and albuterol (an inhaled corticosteriod (rescue medicine) taken 3times a day for the next 10 days).... Hopefully when they return to the doctor in 11 days, we will have finally gotten both of their asthma under control... The doctor has now increased 2 of Ty's medicine's to higher doses, so hopefully this will work....  If this works then we just do the pulmicort & singulair... And if they are better, then they will be able to get the flu shot... WHich we desperatly need because my son is 3 & my daughter 2, and they've each had the flu shot every year, and every year still gotten the flu....  And my daughter, God bless her, has had the RSV virus four times... Now with both of them taking asthma, i can't afford to take any chances with the flu.... I would have gotten them the shots sooner, but the doctors just got them in today.... UGGGHH!!!  Anyways, i have to make sure i give them their medicines on time, every day, no missing a dose.... This is their life we're talking about, and I have to make sure i do it for them....

Tim's overtime finally came back today!! Hooray!  It's a wonderful thing... For the past month, he hasn't been allowed to work any overtime, (long story why) but it's really hurt us...  We've had to fall behind on our bills so that i could buy food & medicine's for our children...  I mean we only have to pay a $2 copay per prescription, but I have filled A LOT of  prescriptions in the past few weeks.. Today to get all the medicines and a little bit of food, i had to take the money that I was suppossed to pay my cell phone bill with..But hopefully with Tim's overtime being back I can still pay it by the 10th, cause i'm already behind half a month... And they've already shut my direct-tv off cause i was behind 2 months on that... But that's okay, i don't watch tv much anyways, it's mostly cartoons here..lol.. I do at least have my internet, it's in with my home phone, and i made sure that & half my cell got paid, cause i need my phones incase the school has to contact me about Ty, or something happens to him or Bella here & i need to contact someone... ... So i'm very THANKFUL that Tim's overtime is back... He said he's not sure how long it's going to last, but i pray that it lasts till we get caught back up on our bills...

And the last thing i'm stressing about is my marraige... Yesterday, I wrote about the fight we had... And i know he's sorry, but i also know that the comments i recieved about it are right..  He's got to change, or i've got leave...  It hurts me so bad to say it, because he's my soul mate, but i don't want to be scared of my husband...  I don't want to be scared of the man that sleeps beside me in the bed... I know he's extremely sorry, and I know how his dad gets, I've been there, and his dad is an extremely scarry man when he's angry, and i'm scared that Tim's headed that way... That terrifies me, I know that that is the last thing he wants to be, but i can't help but wonder if he's not headed that way....  He's sorry, but sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it......,

So all in all it's been a stressful day, money, my kid's health, my marraige.... Tomorrow Ty goes back to school (which makes him happy, he loves preschool :)! )... And it's trick or treat night here in Floyd County!!  Since Tim will be working late tomorrow night,  my mother in law said she's trying to work something out so that the kids & i can trick or treat with her, her 10 year-old daughter, & her grand-niece... She's worried about me & the kids being out after dark by ourselves.... It's very sweet of her.... We haven't always gotten along,  infact, it's only been this past year that we've really been getting along...  But she's going through a hard time right now... Both her mother-in-law & her mother have cancer...  Her mother-in-law lives in Texas (over 2,000 miles away) & is now doing chemo.. They say she's doing really well... But her mother, who lives in Michigan, on the other hand isn't doing as well...  She can't do any chemo, they've got her in the hospital right now, not sure when she'll be able to go home, and they've only given her 46 weeks to live.... So i've got her in my prayers.... God, all i know is that it must be hell, having you mother & mother-in-law both sick at the same time, and your to far away to do anything to help....  I pray i'm never in her shoes....

God, I pray tomorrow is a better day!

Okay, so I have decided to take the Dark Angel Poems & turn them into a book.... Developing the other characters in the book:Victor of Evil & Zombie Slayer....    Anyway, i just finished a poem about the dark angel finally forgiving the victor of evil.... But i 'm not sure if the tittle works, or if the ending works.. So PLEASE tell me what you think......

FORGIVENESS

10-24-07

Creeping in your window

I watch you sleep

I didn't come to disturb you

Instead I came seeking peace.

I forgive you

For the broken promises you made

The manipulations

And the games you played.

I forgive you

For the hurt and betraying me

Your cowardly actions

And for the lies you made me believe.

The dark angel and victor of evil

Were never meant to be

Being friends didn't work either

So what made us believe.

We tried

And failed again

Now we're to the point

Were hate is all there is in the end.

I've finally forgiven you

And I'm moving on

Told you I was better than you

The pain and anger are now gone

But if our paths ever cross

Just let it be known

That I will do what I have to

Even if it means to kill you.

Cause you are evil

And I am the essence of good

Forgiveness doesn't mean a thing

In this world

When only one of us can survive.

THE DARK ANGEL FALLS IN LOVE

10-22-07

Her eyes

Normally dark and grey

Now sparkle

Expressing a lovely green display.

She marvels at his physique

Starring into his rich blue eyes

Is he the one to take away the pain

To wash away all the past lies?

He holds her in his arms

Assuring her she's warm and safe

Working hard he's already begun

Taking the past away.

Close her eyes

He's all she sees

As long as he's by her side

He's all she needs.

Her heart thunders and skips a beat

Eyes dancing in the dark

Somehow through all the pain

He found his way to her heart.

She thought it was impossible

Thought she could never love again

Now she's ready to live

Ready to let her life begin.

THE DARK ANGEL HURTS

10-22-07

She watches in horror

As he yells holding tightly to her arm

He slings her around the room

Wanting to cause her more harm.

His words come colder and louder

She begs him please

He can't hear her cry

He doesn't see her plead.

Crying as he slaps her backwards

She falls to the floor

Never again she swears

She wont put up with anymore.

She sits alone on the hard cold floor

Weeping in sorrow and pain

Now comes the thunder and lightning

Next will come the rain.

He swore he never would

Swore his love was true

While the bruise will heal

The pain he can't undo

So she turns to a man

She thought was her friend

Only to have him turn his back

Now the friendship has met it's end.

She walks away

Tortured by the pain

A bruise on her arm and face

A bigger one where only part of her heart remains.

Twice in one night

By two different men

Pain & bruises of different types

Neither of which will ever heal again.

No one to turn to

No where to call home

She walks out into the brisk night

Beginning her journey once again, all alone.

LEAVE THE DARK ANGEL THE HELL ALONE

10-22-07

What the hell do you want from me

Why is it

That I push out of my life

And then you haunt me in my sleep.

I want to rest, I want to dream

I just want you to leave me alone.

I'm the dark angel

Don't you know

It's not good to mess with me.

Don't you know that I'll bring your evil down.

Just get out, stay out

Leave me the hell alone.

I don't need you

Telling me in my sleep

How much you love me

How much you need me.

It's lies, all lies

Just part of your evil plan

To bring this dark angel down again.

I'm not gonna let you

I'm not going to watch you

Destroy the life I created for myself.

I forgot you

I put you in my past

And locked you away

Why can't you stay there.

You don't belong in my head

You don't deserve the blood on my wrist.

I'm better than you

I'll beat you again

It's a game you'll never win.

So get the hell out of my head

Get the hell out of my dreams

Go away

And leave this dark angel the hell alone.

Last night i had another dream....  It was really weird and made absolutly no since, things seemed out of sequence and didn't really seem like it could happen, yet the dream seemed so real, when i woke up i almost thought the events of the dream had happened in real life.  So from everything i hear, everyone says it's good to write your dreams down, especially if you want to be a good writer, so i'm writting this dream down for 2 reasons.... 1.) as a writting exercise for my creative writing class & 2.) for HOPEFULLY some feedback & insight into what the dream means, if anything....  Zack is out of my life, so why does he keep showing up in my dreams?  Any thoughts?  Comments greatly welcomed...

Tim leaves for work

Zack shows up, for some reason i let him into the apartment where he sit's on the sectional.  I sit in his lap and for a reason God only knows, I try to kiss him, but he stops me telling me that he can't kiss me because if he does then he'll fall back in love with me again, and he doesn't wanna do that yet.

I ask him if that would be such a bad thing and he says "no, except u'r married"

S we lay on the couch talking, him on one side of the sectional, me on the other with heads together,

Tim calls my cell phone, I try to answer it, but Zack grabs it instead. He says hello & I hear Tim ask who the hell he is.

I take the phone and try tell Tim that it's just a friend (like Justin Bently or someone) but he doesn't believe it.

Tim calls his dad, and then his dad shows up. His dad believes Zack & I are brother & sister until Tim calls him again Then he accusses me of having an affair.

After his dad leaves Zack leaves, as I'm walking back to the apartment I hear children crying for help, I run to find them trying to swim in the river, I try to save them but I can't, because i can't swim, so i start to drown too when Zack saves me, & then somehow later I save his life.

Tim comes home we have an argument about the whole thing, we both take our rings, our marriage looks like it's over. Just as I am about to call Zack to tell him I'm ready to be with him, Tim comes outside & decides to give us another chance. Before I can answer him the phone rings, it's the hospital Zack's been hurt.

We arrive at the hospital and I see Zack just before he dies

A few hours later I get sick. I see myself lying in the hospital and I hear the nurses say that she died just a hours after her "friend" did.

Then I wake up.........

THE DARK ANGEL'S PAIN

10-16-07

Half empty bottle of whisky sits before her

She pours herself another glass

Trying to mask the pain within

Trying to forget the past.

Her angel wings now hidden

Masked by her pain and despair

Fighting back the tears

She pulls back her long blond hair.

As she downs another shot of whisky

Her black eye-liner begins to run

Damming him to hell

For all the pain he's done.

His evil takes a hold of her

Fighting to be free

She gasps for every breath

Asking, "what happened to me?"

She awakes the next morning

In a strange bed

With blurred vision

And an aching head.

She pulls out her knife

Stroking the sharp blade

How dare she be so careless

How dare she let his evil win the crusade.

She let the past come back to haunt her

Thought she had locked it away

Just goes to prove the dark angel

Can't forget her pain.

DARK ANGEL/GOTHIC PRINCESS

10-17-07

Such a soul

Dark and bleeding

A shattered heart

Eyes dark and misleading.

Whispers as she walks by

Such a sad lonely girl

All eyes starring

But they don't know her.

Some say

She tried to take her life

Wanted to end it

With the sharpest knife.

He referred to her as an angel

Then her wrecked her heart

Fueled by pain and alcohol

Now she plays it smart.

With a soul so dark

It's no wonder

They call her the gothic princess

But they don't know her.

She doesn't care

Ignores what they say

They don't know the truth

They don't feel her soul dark and grey.

So she'll be the gothic princess

Or even the angel of night

It doesn't matter to her

After all, she's the dark angel, right?

Zack appeared in my dream last night.  To be honest, it frightened me, i thought i had rid myself of his terror, and yet now here he is hauting me in my dreams.  It seems the more i try to keep him out of my life, the more haunts me.  These dreams, they make no sense, and yet at the same time they make all the sense in the world.  In this dream he didn't trust me when i warned him about something, it turns out i was right, but it was already to late.... That always was the problem with our "friendship" (and i use that  term loosly because it was completely one sided), but neither of us trusted the other one, we feared being hurt, and in the end i got hurt.  I began to trust him when i knew i shouldn't, and it could have destroyed me if i let it.  But it doesn't matter, that was the past, and that's where it needs to stay, i don't need him or his memory haunting me while i sleep.  I need peace in my life, and it doesn't involve him. 

Any way, here's another poem i wrote about the dark angel.  In this one she's being haunted by a memory of someone.  Yes inspired by my dream/life.... In fact, if you haven't noticed all my DARK ANGEL poems have been inspired by my life.  So read & enjoy, let me know what you think.

HAUNTING THE DARK ANGEL

10-19-07

Dark angel awakes from a profound slumber

Sweat saturating her spine

Relentlessly questioning herself

How did he get back into her mind.

Haunted by his memory

Haunted by her pain

His blue eyes stare

As he looks at her through the window pane.

She shrieks in terror

As he slyly smiles

Her heart thunders

Questioning her denial

Close her eyes

To wish him away

He's gone now

She should be safe.

It was only a nightmare

A haunting for truth

He's after her again

Now what to do?

Why is he coming back now

He's been gone for so long.

Why doesn't he believe her

When her plead is so strong.

Trust was always the problem

That which neither could do

Now he haunts her as she sleeps

And she searches for the truth.

The truth to stop her pain

And rid her life of him

The truth to stop his haunting

So he'll never come back again.

(DARK ANGEL) SAVE THE NIGHT

10-16-07

Wait to see her soar

Above the sky

The rain continues to pour

Late into the night.

Stop the evil

Stop the pain

Her only mission

As she steps out into the rain.

He called again

Wants to make a truce

She does not negotiate

With evil for any excuse.

She spreads her black wings

And begins to fly

Above she towers

Peacefully in the sky.

On her mission

To bring his evil down

Hoping to bring peace

To this destructed town.

Healing the world

Is all that remains

Her heart wont ever heal

Cause she'll never forget the pain.

So watch her soar

Up through the sky

The dark angel on a mission

To beat evil and save the night.

So i read my Dark Angel Series poems to my husband, and i was trying to explain to him the character behind the dark angel.  She's a woman who's been broken down time and time again.  And although she's told repeatedly how beautiful she is, she doesn't see it.  All she sees is a broken woman, who's scared to trust, afraid of being hurt.  So i wrote yet another DARK ANGEL poem, only this one describes her.  ENJOY!

THE DARK ANGEL

10-15-07

Lovely as an angel

She hears them say

Face of a beauty

With a life in disarray.

They don't see

As green eyes hide

The pain she feels

Tears welling inside.

They don't hear

As she cries in the night

They're not there

To watch her fight.

A beautiful angel on the outside

Is all they see

A sad broken girl

Is all she manages to be.

Afraid of being hurt

She keeps her heart locked away

Refuses to let others in

To their dismay.

Her cries in the night

Go unheard

Calling her an angel

She believes is absurd.

She's not their angel

Her soul dark & bleeding

Her sorrow sings

Pain she feels late this evening

She's the angel of the dark

The angel of night

She is the dark angel

Beginning tonight.

The Dark Angel has become my favorite character, by FAR that i have written about, (and believe me, i've wrote a LOT of stories (back in highschool) and poems about different characters.  She even beats the characters in my two novels that i'm working on & the Princess in my children's book. Maybe it's because I realate to her so much, maybe it's because subconsiously she is me.  Either way, I love the Dark Angel.  So I've decided to continue on in my Dark Angel poem series, but before I write another poem, i thought i'd repost the first two, so that anyone who missed the first two can catch up on the DARK ANGEL.  So here they are, the other two poems in my DARK ANGEL series:

DARK ANGEL FLY INTO THE NIGHT

10-14-07

Last time I wrote about you

I said I wanted Vengeance

The dark angel would get you

Watch you bleed to your slow eternal death.

Anger now surpassed

Pain washed away.

This dark angel didn't forget what you did

I'm just no longer holding on to it.

I'm over you

I'm over everything you did

It's not worth dragging me down

For piece of shit like you.

You ask about the memories

Maybe there was some good ones

But you ruined them

With all your evil.

The devil lives inside you

Waiting to come out.

You tried to make me your prey

But capturing this dark angel you will not.

It's over

It's done

I found peace

This dark angel will no longer run.

Then vengeance I once sought for

Maybe I didn't find

But peace I did

Into the night

This dark angel now will fly.

THE DARK ANGEL SINGS

10-15-07

The dark angel opens her eyes

Looking around

She sees the pain in the night.

The dark angel spreads her wings

Wanting to help

With the power she sings.

Her words of sorrow

Speak to those

Looking for love in the pane glass window.

The dark angels eyes

Full of pain

Sees the others cry.

Wanting to assist those in pain

Her words come out louder

Trying to sing over the pounding rain.

The dark angel's eyes well with tears

From the pain she's felt

For the past four years.

Feel her mounting pain

See it in her eyes

Her blood left it's stain.

Once again she spreads her wings

Mounting with sorrow

The dark angel sings.

So i read my Dark Angel Series poems to my husband, and i was trying to explain to him the character behind the dark angel.  She's a woman who's been broken down time and time again.  And although she's told repeatedly how beautiful she is, she doesn't see it.  All she sees is a broken woman, who's scared to trust, afraid of being hurt.  So i wrote yet another DARK ANGEL poem, only this one describes her.  ENJOY!

THE DARK ANGEL

10-15-07

Lovely as an angel

She hears them say

Face of a beauty

With a life in disarray.

They don't see

As green eyes hide

The pain she feels

Tears welling inside.

They don't hear

As she cries in the night

They're not there

To watch her fight.

A beautiful angel on the outside

Is all they see

A sad broken girl

Is all she manages to be.

Afraid of being hurt

She keeps her heart locked away

Refuses to let others in

To their dismay.

Her cries in the night

Go unheard

Calling her an angel

She believes is absurd.

She's not their angel

Her soul dark & bleeding

Her sorrow sings

Pain she feels late this evening

She's the angel of the dark

The angel of night

She is the dark angel

Beginning tonight.

I just wrote another poem, & I really love it......  It may not be the best written poem, but it gets a point across, it makes you feel her pain... Or at least i do, but then again, maybe i am the dark angel......  Oh, well, i love it, i think it may be a favorite of mine.... Maybe i should continue on with the DARK ANGEL series, do a few more poems about the DARK ANGEL character....  Oh well, here it is, hope you enjoy it as much as i do...

THE DARK ANGEL SINGS

10-15-07

The dark angel opens her eyes

Looking around

She sees the pain in the night.

The dark angel spreads her wings

Wanting to help

With the power she sings.

Her words of sorrow

Speak to those

Looking for love in the pane glass window.

The dark angels eyes

Full of pain

Sees the others cry.

Wanting to assist those in pain

Her words come out louder

Trying to sing over the pounding rain.

The dark angel's eyes well with tears

From the pain she's felt

For the past four years.

Feel her mounting pain

See it in her eyes

Her blood left it's stain.

Once again she spreads her wings

Mounting with sorrow

The dark angel sings.

SAY GOOBYE TO THE REMINDERS OF YOU

10-15-07

Say goodbye

To the well written words

As they go up in flames

Just a reminder of you.

Say goodbye

To the baggage that been sitting in my heart

Waiting to be put away

Another reminder of you.

Say goodbye

To the perfume you liked

I pour it down the drain

Just a reminds me of you.

Say goodbye

To the sweater bought me

All torn to shreds

It reminded me of you.

Say goodbye

To the songs I loved

Each one played a melody to my heart

Only to remind me of you.

Finally, say goodbye

To your face in the pictures

As I toss them in the trash

My last reminder of you.

I wrote this poem for my husband as a joke.... He's a really HUGE fan of zombie movies, and i figured with Halloween aproaching that this would be a nice poem for him...  So i figured i'd share with you all...

ZOMBIES ATTACK

10-15-07

Their drooling

You're screaming

"Help me" goes your cries

As they bite into you tonight.

Full moon above

The world is changing

Their attacking you

By tomorrow you'll be one too.

One bites into your arm

Another to your leg.

Finally getting away

Trying to remember what happened earlier today.

Somehow the world erupted

It's a war versus another species

Blood trickles down your arm and leg

Now you choose, become one or shoot yourself in the head.

Realizing you wont go on to be the man you wanted

You must bid farewell to those you love

End this here and now with your gun

Or by morning you'll be one.

I think this may be my favorite poem that I've written... It's the best well written poem, but it emphasises everything that i want to say, that i fell... 

FLY INTO THE NIGHT

10-14-07

Last time I wrote about you

I said I wanted Vengeance

The dark angel would get you

Watch you bleed to your slow eternal death.

Anger now surpassed

Pain washed away.

This dark angel didn't forget what you did

I'm just no longer holding on to it.

I'm over you

I'm over everything you did

It's not worth dragging me down

For piece of shit like you.

You ask about the memories

Maybe there was some good ones

But you ruined them

With all your evil.

The devil lives inside you

Waiting to come out.

You tried to make me your prey

But capturing this dark angel you will not.

It's over

It's done

I found peace

This dark angel will no longer run.

Then vengeance I once sought for

Maybe I didn't find

But peace I did

Into the night

This dark angel now will fly.

Hi Everyone!

So tonight I'm working on a few minor details to my book (mostly just feeling in any blanks that i may have left out... Don't want any readers asking how she got from point A to point B), and then i have to go back and do my proofreading fixing any misspellings & grammer errors that i may have made.  But i do have on problem that i can not solve alone, and that's where you all come in...  I need a tittle for my book.... Now some of you have read excerpts from this book, but others of you may have not... So I'll try to sum it up...  A girl, Elena meets this guy & falls in love with him (Travis).  They become engaged, and 3 months before her wedding she meets Zane who she takes an immediate liking too, and begins to fall for.  But in the end she chooses to marry Travis...  Now she manages to walk away from Zane and stays away from for 4 years until they somehow manage to find their way back into eachothers lives.  They try to walk away from eachother a few more times, but somehow they manage to get drawn back into eachothers lives... This book follows them through 50 years of their lives....... I need help with a tittle, I had one in mind, but I'm not really sure if it works, so I'm looking for ideas.... Please help with this one, I need a good tittle that just screams : READ ME, YOU KNOW WANT TO!

Questions Answered

10-14-07

I asked a question

To be answered by you

Your lack of an answer

Was an answer in itself.

For the first time

In over four years

You chose not to lie to me

I at least thank you for that.

I wanted to know the truth

The truth you could not answer

Your lack of response

Became my questions answered.

I'm not a preppy girl

I'm not a girl that meets your preppy standards.

I'm just me.

I'm not the girl he fell in love with

I'm not the girl you wanted me to be

I'm just me.

I'm not a girl who plays childish games

I'm not a girl who will sleep with you just ‘cause you want me too

I'm just me.

I don't believe tricks and games

I don't believe in playing with people's hearts

I'm just me.

I was never in the popular crowd

More of an out cast

Cause I'm just me.

I'm a little punk

I'm a little rock

I'm just me.

I love my family

I love my friends

I'm just me.

I'm a girl who trusts to easily

I'm a girl who falls in love

Cause thats me.

I love with my whole heart

And when I say I love you, I really do

Because that's me.

I am who I am, I wont be any other way

Like me or not, I don't care

I'm just me.

So today i have many reasons to celebrate!  For starters it's my 23rd birthday.  But i'm so tired and exhausted that i'm not really sure i feel like celbrating.  But i am extatic because yesterday i achieved one of my goals, and that was getting a book published.  I did it!  My collection of poetry is now published and ready for anyone to buy so YEA for me!  I'm so proud of myself, i don't care if a single person never reads my book, i just want to be able to say when i'm old that i did this!  And now i can!  But now i have to finish my other book that i'm working on, which will hopefully be soon.  

I'm 23 today, and i already have a family that i've always dreamed of having (the husband & two kids), now we just have to buy that house that we've always wanted...lol.... I'm very thankful for the life i have.  So on this my 23rd birthday i have much to celebrate, my book, my health, my family, my life!  Thank you God for blessing me to be where i am today!  Life isn't always perfect, but I'm here, I'm realitivly healthy, I have my family, and for that I am eternally grateful!   And I want to say thank you to everyone here who has supported me through the hard times that I've had this year, I'm doing so much better now that I removed myself from a certain *friendship*.  I am REALLY happy!

So tonight to celebrate my hubby & I are ordering pizza & watching "THE HOLIDAY" on Starzz!  A nice quite evening in, sounds like music to my ears!  I wish you ALL a wonderful weekend!

Okay, so I've been doing some soul searching over the past few months. And I've turned over a new leaf, I've realized who I am on the inside, and I'm not the woman that some of you may think I am. I'm stronger than what you think, and I'm smarter too. I now know what I'm capable of, and today I'm showing my strength by letting go. Letting go of anger and resentments, forgiving him for what he did to me, and forgiving myself for trusting him. I'm letting go once and for all of the pain he caused, all the pain I allowed myself to feel. I've been carrying this baggage around for too long, and it's finally became to heavy for me to carry any farther, so I'm leaving it hear today. I'm letting go. I'll try to walk away with the good things I remember about him, because there was some good things. But sometimes the bad out ways the good. But I'm letting the bad things go, and if it means I have to leave the good memories behind too, then so be it. You can lock away the pain, but you can't forget the memories, and eventually it all comes flooding back. So, I've decided to unlock the door where the pain had been hidden and let it out, say goodbye to and never look back. And if the memories go with it, then maybe I'm better off not having those memories. It's time for something new, no more resentments, no more anger, no more pain. Just happiness!!

*~*Liz*~*

Here's the new chapter for my book.  As i already said, it wasn't originally planned to be in the book, but i think it's a good addition.  I think he shows the lengths that Zane will go to, to prove his love to Elena.  So please read, and tell me whether or not you think it should be added to the book.

He parked his truck in the driveway behind her SUV. As he steeped out of his vehicle, knots began to form in his stomach as his nerves began to get the better of him. He knew what he wanted to say; he only hoped that he could find the words to say those things. He walked up the steps that led to her front door.

When he reached the door he found that it was already partially opened about a foot. Zane placed his hand on the door and it opened about another foot, he peered inside and called out to her. "Ellie, Ellie, are you home?" When no one answered he decided to enter. Zane got the feeling that something was wrong, and then as he entered her dark living room he knew something was terribly wrong. There wasn't a single light on in the brightly colored living room, which Zane found unusual, considering it was 11:00 at night, and he knew she had to be home, after all, her car was out front in the drive. He reached over to the closest wall and found the light switch, which he immediately turned on.

When the lights came on he saw her, sitting in a corner by the television armoire, balled up like a baby in the fetal position crying. Zane ran over to her and pulled her into him. As he wiped the hair away from her face he saw that her black mascara and eyeliner had ran down her angelic face. Even under the streaked makeup he was able to see the black & blue bruise on her left check and her torn blouse, the same blouse she had been wearing when they had lunch earlier that day.

He sat there on the floor, holding her in his arms. "Ellie, who did this to you?", he asked compassionately and yet getting angry at the same time. He was angry that someone could hurt the most beautiful woman in the world, the woman he loved and cherished. Someone had hurt her, he wanted to kill them, but all he could do know was hold her.

With tears steaming down her face, she looked up at Zane, finally realizing that she was safe, and held on to him as tight as she could. "Zane I'm so scared. Jason, what if he comes back. He said he'd kill me. I wouldn‘t give him any money so he could pay his drug dealer."

"Did he....." He hesitated for a moment, afraid that he already knew the answer.

The large lump in throat made it impossible to speak any words, so she nodded her head in accordance to Zane's question. She couldn't bring herself to speak the words. Rape. That's horrible word, and unspeakable act, something she always feared, but never believed it could happen to her. Zane pulled her against him as he pulled his cell phone out of his pants pocket, and then dialed 911. "Yes, I need an ambulance for my friend, she's been assaulted." As he spoke those words, the anger began to take over his body. The only thoughts he could think of was finding the sick son of bitch and killing him.

After hanging up the phone with the 911 operator Zane realized that Elena's kids may be in the house. "Ellie, where are the kids?", he asked fearing something may have happened to them.

Wiping away more tears with the back of her hand, she looked up at Zane who was now standing looking up at the staircase that would lead to the hallway to the children's rooms. "They're at my mom's, they wanted to have a sleepover with grandma & grandpa. Thank God for that right?", she said as more tears began to pour down her cheeks. Zane rushed back to her, scooped her up and into his arms. At that moment he heard the sirens, so he carried her out the door to the EMT's, he knew he needed to get her out of that house. Out of the place where the callous bastard hurt her.

As the EMT's put Elena onto the stretcher Zane showed the police where he had found her. When Elena was put into the ambulance Zane told her, "I'm going to follow the ambulance down to the hospital. I'll be right behind you. I'm not going to leave you alone." As the ambulance drove off Zane took one last look around at the house his father had designed for Elena. She loved this house, in this perfect, safe neighborhood. The flashing lights were all around, and you could see the neighbors coming out of their house wanting to know what had happened, why in their gated community an innocent woman would be attacked. Police going in and out of the house gathering evidence, and there was nothing he could do. As he climbed into his truck he realized there was one thing he could do. He reached into his back pocket of his pants and pulled out his cell. "Hey, meet me at the hospital, it's Elena, she's been hurt." Then Zane proceeded to drive the mile and half to the hospital to be by her side.

As Elena was wheeled into the ER the doctors told Zane that he was going to have to wait out in the waiting room while she was examined. Zane walked outside the double doors that led to the 8 story hospital. Zane desperately needed a cigarette, to bad he quit smoking two months ago, he needed one now more than ever. Just as Zane was about to go back into the building he noticed the tall figure walking towards him.

"Is she in with the doctors?" Travis asked Zane, worried about his wife.

"Yeah, they're examining her now, and then of course the police are going to have some questions.", Zane said becoming uncomfortable talking to the husband of the husband of the woman he was in love with.

"Did she say who he was?"

"No." Zane said lying, Elena had told him who it was, and soon the police and Travis would both know. But they were going to have to wait, because Zane had made it his mission to kill him first.

"Look for the record I don't like you, and I'm not exactly sure why you had to see MY wife at 11:00 at night, but I'm glad you found her. Thanks for getting her here, and thanks for calling me. You didn't have too." Travis said sincerely. He knew that Zane didn't have to call him, he could have chosen to let Travis stay out with his friends while he got to be the knight in shinning armor. But he didn't, and for that he had to respect him.

"I didn't do it for you, I did it for her, I knew she'd want you. She's scared, I thought she could use you, after all, she is YOUR wife." Zane said looking at Travis, knowing that Travis could see right through him, and could see the that he was in love with Elena. After a moment of starring each other down, Travis turned and walked into the building, while Zane turned and walked towards his truck. Now it was his mission to find the bastard that raped Elena.

Travis walked into the waiting room next to the ER and saw two police detectives waiting outside the doors that led to the ER. A tall female doctor walked out of the ER and immediately spotted Travis. "Are you with Elena Livingston?", the doctor asked him as he approached her.

"Yes, she's my wife. Is she going to be alright?", he asked extremely concerned by the look on the doctors face.

"Yes she will be fine. She was sexually assaulted, there was traces of sperm, and she had some of his skin under her nails, which I have bagged as evidence along with her clothing for you.", she said turning to face the cops.

"May I go in with her?"

"Yes that would be fine."

"Um, we have some questions for her as well.", spoke up the tall muscular detective.

"Fine, why don't you all follow me, and I will take you to her.", she said turning around to lead the way back through the ER to the cubical where Elena sat on a bed. Travis immediately rushed to his wife's side, while the two detectives stood at the foot of the bed watching the couple ruinite.

"Travis, how did you know?", Elena asked expecting to see Zane instead of Travis.

"Zane called me. I rushed over here as soon as he did."

"I'm glad you're here.", she said holding on to her husbands arm, trying to find a safety net. It had been 3 hours since the attack, and here she sat in a hospital bed surrounded by her husband and two police detectives, and yet she still couldn't find the safety net that she was desperately seeking.

"Mrs. Livingston, we have some questions for you.", said the female detective. She was skinny, stood about 5'8", and her hair was cut quite short.

"Yes, of course. I'll try to tell you everything I remember."

"Okay, do you think you can come down to the station tonight and give a formal statement?", asked her partner.

"Now wait a minute, it's 1:00 in the morning, and my wife has been through enough tonight, I don't think she needs to relive this all over again tonight.", Travis interrupted trying to do what he thought was best for his wife.

"Travis, it's okay, I want to do it tonight. I want to get this over with, so I can just forget it ever happened. I want them to catch the guy who did this to me.", Elena said to her husband, trying to find her courage.

"That's the other thing Mrs. Livingston. Do you know the man that did this to you?" The female detective asked compassionately.

"Yes, Zane didn't tell you? I thought I told him it Jason." Elena said confused. Why had Zane not told the police that Jason had attacked her?u

"Zane? If you are referring to Mr. McClean, he never said a word to us except to show us where he found you, in fact, we are going to have to track him down so we can get his statement. Now this Jason, do you know his last name, where he lives?" The officer asked as he got out his little notebook.

"His name is Jason Grey. He used to do the lawn service for some of the neighbors until the neighbors found out he was a junkie. Then they all fired him."

"I take it he worked for you as well?", the detective asked.

"Yes, briefly. He'd only been working for us for about 3 months when it was revealed that he was using drugs. No one in the community wanted a junkie in our neighborhood, we all have small children, so everyone came to an agreement, and we all fired him. I liked him, he was a good person, but I didn‘t want a junkie anywhere near my children. Even if he was just my lawn boy."

"Okay, we can finish this down at the station when you are released, in the mean time we will get an arrest warrant for Mr. Jason Grey, and pick him up."

"Thank you officers" Travis said to the two detectives as they left the room. Moments later the doctor came back into the room with the discharge papers, and Travis escorted Elena out to the car. All he wanted now was for this horrible night to be over. He wished to God that he had been there at the house, then this horrific crime never would have happen. But he wasn't, instead he was out with his friends. He knew she must resent him, he hated himself for not being there to protect her. But he was here now, and he wasn't going to leave her side, not even for a moment. He was going to make sure he held her hand while she had to relive this terrible night all over again for the police.

Zane knew it would be long before the police came looking for Jason, but he was going to find him first. And when he did he was going to make damn sure there wasn't much left for the police to lock away. As Zane walked up to Jason's apartment he saw the door opening, and out walked the blond haired 5'11" bastard that raped Elena. As soon as Zane saw him rage fuled his body and he ran at Jason. He grabbed Jason by the throat and slung him into a wall, then he began punching him as he would a punching back. "What you thought you could rape her and get away with it, you asshole.", he yelled at hm.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jason yelled back as he tried to fight back.

"Elena, you know the one you attacked tonight because she wouldn't give you any money so you could pay your dealer.", Zane responded as he threw yet another punch into Jason's face. Zane kept punching Jason until he fell to the floor unresponsive, then he began kicking him repeatedly. Just as Zane was about to give Jason one last swift kick he heard a voice from behind him. "Stop right there and put your hands in the air." Zane didn't need to turn around to know that the cops already had the guns drawn, so he did exactly as they said. One cop walked up behind him and cuffed him, while another walked over to check on his victim.

"This is our rape suspect.", said one of the officers to the other as Jason was coming too.

"And let me guess, you would be Zane, the victims friend who called the police."

"I'm not talking without my lawyer." Zane said starring at Jason. He knew he could face going to jail, after all this was his third offense. But it was worth it. The guy had raped Elena, and he deserved to be killed, only Zane was interrupted by the police before he could finish the job.

Elena was preparing to leave the police station and go home when she saw Jason and Zane both being brought into the police station in handcuffs. She had wondered where Zane had gone and now she knew. As one of the officers dragged Jason down to the booking station another took Zane into a holding room. She looked at Travis, who nodded at her. She knew he understood why she had to see Zane. So she walked up to the officer who had taken Zane into the holding room.

"Do you mind if I see him for a minute.", she asked.

"I don't suppose it will be a problem.", the officer said as he let her into the room.

"Zane." She said as she ran to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do what I wanted to."

"Zane, why did you go after him?"

"Ellie, he hurt you. You had to know I couldn't let him get away with that.", he said looking into her beautiful green eyes.

"Zane, this is your third offense. They could send you to jail. You should have just let the police handle it."

"It wouldn't have been enough. He needed to suffer. I'm just sorry that the police arrived before I could finish him off."

"Zane don't say that. If they hear you they'll get you for attempted murder."

"Ellie, don't you know by now that when it comes to you I don't care. I love you, and I will do anything and everything to protect you. I don't care what happens to me as long as that jackass never hurts you again.", Zane said starring at her. He wanted to hold her, but he was still in handcuffs. Just as he was about to kiss her, an officer entered the room.

"Well, Mrs. Livingston I thought you would have left by now. I know your husband wanted to get you home.", the officer said as he looked at the two, knowing that he had interrupted something.

"I was on my way home when I saw that you were bringing Zane in in handcuffs."

"Well it appears that Mr. McClean got into a bit of a scuffle with the suspect earlier tonight.", the officer spoke as he approached Zane with the key to the handcuffs in his hand.

"It was a misunderstanding." Zane added quickly.

"Yea, it appears that Mr. Grey has said the same thing, he's not pressing charges. Which would be a good thing for you seeing you already have two priors.", the cop added looking at Zane, then he added, "Look, off the record, if someone had hurt the woman I loved I probably would have done the same thing. But you should have trusted us to get the guy."

"She's my friend, I'd do anything for her."

"Just your friend? It looks like more to me, and if I can see it, how oblivious do you think her husband is?", the officer asked as he opened the door and let them out of the room.

Elena had somehow convinced Travis to give Zane a ride back to his truck that was parked outside of Jason's apartment building. As he got out of Travis and Elena's SUV he thanked Travis for the ride, and looked at Elena and she looked at him. Travis saw the look between the two, and he knew then that his wife didn't resent him for not being there with her tonight. She didn't resent him because she was in love with Zane, and it was Zane who she wished had been there to protect her, it was Zane who had nearly beat the guy to death.  Because Zane was in love with his wife, so where did that leave him?

So i'm sitting here at my desk working on a very important chapter for my book. And of course i am listening to music. (I can't do anything without music, it's a very essential part of my life.)  So as most of you know, i am a huge FALL OUT BOY fan.  But i listen to almost any alternative rock music.  (Alternative is my favorite, i relate to it so much)  So any ways, last week i started listening to Plain White T's, and i just want to say that they are awesome.  I've downloaded quite a bit of their music, and now i have become a fan of theirs.  Their music is really great.  So now i'm sitting here working on my book and listening to Plain White T's. Now here's one of my favorite songs of theirs:

I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind, no

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up
I don't wanna spend them alone
Memories of Christmas time with you
Will just kill me if I'm on my own, oh

And I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do
We just can't seem to get it right
But what I woundn't give to have one more chance tonight
One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar
But with all my inspiration gone
It's not gettin' me very far
I look around my room and eveything I see reminds of you
Oh, please, baby, won't you take my hand?
We've got nothing left to prove

Well, I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close
And share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then
When we were just kids
And I didn't mean to give you chills
The way that I kiss
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did
Don't say you didn't love me back
Cause you know you did
No, you didn't mean to love me back
But you did

A great song!

So, if i can finish this chapter today, then i will post it tonight, because it's a new edition to my book.  It wasn't originally planned to be in the book, but i had a dream about it one night and i thought it would be a great way to show just what Zane will do to prove to Elena just how much he loves her, no matter what it costs him, including his freedom.

Today, has been a painful day for me.  As some of you know I am working on a book in which the first 4 chapters come striaght from my life.  Now i wrote those chapters about 6 months ago, but today i was going back through, reading them, editing, and adding any details that i may have left out.  And while doing so, it felt as if i was re-living the memories all over again. The pain I have dealt with from having Zack in my life all came back, and so did all the feelings that i once felt.  Yes he is out of my life, and i am better off for it, BUT, that doesn't make the pain any easier, and it doesn't make me forget.  My heart still breaks when i think about how stupid i must have been to care for someone who was only using me.  To think i loved him and considered him a best friend only to have him in the end turn out to be the kind of guy he is. 

I can't talk to my husband about this, because frankly he hates Zack enough, and he's finally put it out of his life.  And i have too, but it's in my book, so i have to deal with.  I have to face the truth. And i'm glad that i'm starring the truth in the face, because i'm realizing that i never dealt with it (as usual).  I just bottled emotions up inside because i didn't want to face the truth.  My point is, that even when it's  been months or years since someone hurt or betrayed you, it doesn't mean you ever forget, even though maybe you should.  You just try to move on, and be preparred for the days when old memories come flooding back, because eventually they will.